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    24 Of The Funniest Tweets By Women This Week

    "If Susan Collins had my back in a knife fight, I’d save time and stab myself in the front."


    twitter trolls don’t faze me bc i was once brutally dragged in a houseplant forum for overwatering my fiddle leaf fig tree and i haven’t felt anything since


    You know it’s time to go to bed when you reach this account in Explore


    Just watched a woman angrily scream, “YOU BETTER DO THE RIGHT THING, COLLINS!” into her phone before walking into the noon showing of A STAR IS BORN and now I know what God looks like


    the art historians have got it all wrong, THIS was the biggest art movement of our century


    OHHHHHHHHH I wanna dance with somebody heat I wanna feel the with somebody


    Taylor Swift after revealing her political views as soon as she finished her US leg of her tour and took all the MAGA supporter money


    I know Scarlett Johansson is PISSED!



    While we’re taking about 13 year-old girls, @GovMikeHuckabee endorsed Roy Moore...


    went to class today really thinking i had grabbed my computer off the kitchen counter


    this is the love story our generation deserves



    Damn girl, I'm sorry. I let you down. I let myself down.



    I took 11 shots of tequila in about 4 hours once. I woke up on the front lawn of my parents’ house the next day. I lived 150 miles away. Apparently a cab driver asked for my address and I gave him theirs. My dad paid the $400 fare and left me in the yard.



    friend texts me: If Susan Collins had my back in a knife fight, I’d save time and stab myself in the front



    once i hate your boyfriend for you there’s no going back. i don’t care that he apologized. i did this for you


    I learned how to do CPR today so now I know how to save your life but more importantly I found out New York Presbyterian Hospital maintains a Spotify playlist of songs that are the right beat to time CPR compressions to and it is on point


    me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate* cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we? me: cashier: me: cashier: me: what?



    My cat sleeps all day every day and she’s “cute” and “precious” but I sleep all day every day and suddenly I’m “clinically depressed”


    People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

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