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    24 Of The Funniest Tweets By Women This Week

    "If Susan Collins had my back in a knife fight, I’d save time and stab myself in the front."

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    twitter trolls don’t faze me bc i was once brutally dragged in a houseplant forum for overwatering my fiddle leaf fig tree and i haven’t felt anything since

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    You know it’s time to go to bed when you reach this account in Explore

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    Just watched a woman angrily scream, “YOU BETTER DO THE RIGHT THING, COLLINS!” into her phone before walking into the noon showing of A STAR IS BORN and now I know what God looks like

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    the art historians have got it all wrong, THIS was the biggest art movement of our century

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    OHHHHHHHHH I wanna dance with somebody heat I wanna feel the with somebody

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    Taylor Swift after revealing her political views as soon as she finished her US leg of her tour and took all the MAGA supporter money https://t.co/iP9jtQ2FOd

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    I know Scarlett Johansson is PISSED! https://t.co/1zlKmKl9vC

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    While we’re taking about 13 year-old girls, @GovMikeHuckabee endorsed Roy Moore... https://t.co/JNiaz2i6V3

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    went to class today really thinking i had grabbed my computer off the kitchen counter

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    this is the love story our generation deserves https://t.co/38Ye8M5Rhs

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    Damn girl, I'm sorry. I let you down. I let myself down. https://t.co/rz8Ilv1wnx

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    I took 11 shots of tequila in about 4 hours once. I woke up on the front lawn of my parents’ house the next day. I lived 150 miles away. Apparently a cab driver asked for my address and I gave him theirs. My dad paid the $400 fare and left me in the yard. https://t.co/YVBkaR5soJ

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    friend texts me: If Susan Collins had my back in a knife fight, I’d save time and stab myself in the front

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    once i hate your boyfriend for you there’s no going back. i don’t care that he apologized. i did this for you

    20.

    I learned how to do CPR today so now I know how to save your life but more importantly I found out New York Presbyterian Hospital maintains a Spotify playlist of songs that are the right beat to time CPR compressions to and it is on point https://t.co/C05BFPawBc

    21.

    me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate* cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we? me: cashier: me: cashier: me: what?

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    My cat sleeps all day every day and she’s “cute” and “precious” but I sleep all day every day and suddenly I’m “clinically depressed”

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    People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

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