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34 Tweets That I Think Are Funny And Maybe You Will Too

"The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters."

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1.

(Me trying to explain the internet to a time traveler from the past) ummmmmm it's an invisible store where you can call the president a cunt

2.

If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

3.

When you die they hand you a list of all the people who had crushes on you

4.

Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he's gettin… https://t.co/4oVUoHgYxd

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5.

before Instagram there was no way to see your old drug dealer’s kid really shine in their school play

6.

me, a virgin, adding songs to my sex playlist

7.

I got wasted at Dave & Busters once and this is how security threw me out

8.

someone: you don’t have to apologize for everything, you’re good me: oh ok......ˢᵒʳʳʸ

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10.

My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys... I knew it.”

11.

"no, officer, I haven't seen my husband in weeks. yes, I'm terribly worried"

12.

types of vacations I need - a week to deep clean everything I own, twice - a week to just sleep, then sleep some mo… https://t.co/6WtHMXyMyV

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13.

How are we doing on breadsticks over here

14.

"SLOW DOWN, YOU OLD BITCH," I scream at the YouTube knitting tutorial lady.

15.

Men who aren't ur bf: what kind of a fool doesn't massage & oil their girlfriend three hours a day Men who are: he… https://t.co/1VNQCMlwvm

16.

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17.

romance is bein kind. it's bein patient. it's making croutons for them. it's seeing an uglie dog and saying "haha that's you. that dog is u"

18.

me: *explains to a man how and why his behavior was manipulative* man: if that happened im sorry.....if those were… https://t.co/x2MpNGBzD0

19.

huge missed opportunity on Kim and Kanye’s part not to name that baby Fievel Goes

20.

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

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21.

dudes who are saying “it’s scary to hook up with women now, it’s like I don’t know what’s ok and what isn’t” uhh.… https://t.co/G67ORinl3D

22.

You: tide pods Me, an intellectual:

23.

timothée realizing THE tonya harding is sitting right next to him is a mood

24.

Lana del Rey is a ghost and she wants us to solve the mystery of who killed her. The music is clues. I’ve been sayi… https://t.co/HLrEr5LQBD

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male poets be like: she had cigarettes in her vagina she smelled like cigarettes and cyanide it’s a metaphor becau… https://t.co/REFAFrwAzD

27.

How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with.

28.

Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.

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29.

I'm religious but NOT spiritual I just love rules and being afraid of sex

30.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

31.

when I was 6 I pretended to be a tiger for a solid month and my parents wouldn't take me out to eat for like a year… https://t.co/IETetCHJAR

32.

Is your child texting about Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”? ygafc = you’ve got a fast car igaptguooh = I’ve got a plan… https://t.co/jl624iejNy

33.

my boyfriend and i colour-coordinated our outfits today 💙