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    Posted on Jul 25, 2017

    Literally Just 31 Funny Tweets – Nothing More, Nothing Less

    Tweets heah! Getcha tweets!

    1. In the Ari-ZONE-a:

    150rts and I'll dress like this for my first day of college

    2. Life is pain:

    God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.

    3. Daddy:

    4. Same:

    5. The Beautiful and Damned:

    I can't believe this is what F. Scott Fitzgerald's hair looked like. No one ever talks about it.

    6. Sound ON for this one:

    A guy was filming this lion... you won't believe what happens next...

    7. Does that come with fries:

    wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well

    8. The only reason I go to the dentist:

    When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.

    9. Blessed:

    when i drop a joke in the gc and they all respond with a DJCKDKDKSKDKDKD

    10. Ahhhh that's better:

    When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger

    11. John Hughes would approve:

    a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads

    12. Visionary:

    13. Priorities:

    CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape? ME: sure WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge? ME: get fucked

    14. So smooth:

    Give me your heart, make it real, or else

    15. Dragon dog:

    My dog looks like she was drawn by a Medieval monk who had never seen a dog before

    16. And he's a CPA:

    Trent Reznor's name backwards is Ron Zertnert.

    17. No-fly list:

    Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.

    18. It never fails:

    19. 🤔🤔🤔

    honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since

    20. Bad influence:

    21. At least he's honest:

    teacher: we need to talk about ur son me: why teacher: he announced to the entire first grade he was "back on his bullshit" me: well is he

    22. Summer:

    Translation: "At worst."

    23. ArOOOOOGula:

    I like arugula because it's good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

    24. A lesson in petty:

    Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I'd gotten sick

    25. Beverly:

    26. THAT'S not supposed to be there:

    Hand to God, there is a heard of bison on the loose in the Laconia, NH area... WHO IS PLAYING JUMANJI IN NEW HAMPS… https://t.co/jRXClUmdAL

    27. Take it down a notch, 'Bee's:

    Applebee's marketing has shifted gears

    28. Wow:

    Star Wars, but all of the light saber sounds are Owen Wilson saying "wow"

    29. Clippy:

    Sometimes when I don't know what to do I'll get this out my pocket & pretend it knows the answer.

    30. Missed opportunity:

    Biggest upset of 2016 was "now you see me 2" not being called "now you don't"

    31. Not fair:

    Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

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