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Literally Just 31 Funny Tweets – Nothing More, Nothing Less

Tweets heah! Getcha tweets!

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1. In the Ari-ZONE-a:

150rts and I'll dress like this for my first day of college

2. Life is pain:

God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.

3. Daddy:

4. Same:

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5. The Beautiful and Damned:

I can't believe this is what F. Scott Fitzgerald's hair looked like. No one ever talks about it.

6. Sound ON for this one:

A guy was filming this lion... you won't believe what happens next...

7. Does that come with fries:

wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well

8. The only reason I go to the dentist:

When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.

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9. Blessed:

when i drop a joke in the gc and they all respond with a DJCKDKDKSKDKDKD

10. Ahhhh that's better:

When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger

11. John Hughes would approve:

a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads

12. Visionary:

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13. Priorities:

CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape? ME: sure WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge? ME: get fucked

14. So smooth:

Give me your heart, make it real, or else

15. Dragon dog:

My dog looks like she was drawn by a Medieval monk who had never seen a dog before

16. And he's a CPA:

Trent Reznor's name backwards is Ron Zertnert.

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17. No-fly list:

Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.

18. It never fails:

19. 🤔🤔🤔

honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since

20. Bad influence:

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21. At least he's honest:

teacher: we need to talk about ur son me: why teacher: he announced to the entire first grade he was "back on his bullshit" me: well is he

22. Summer:

Translation: "At worst."

23. ArOOOOOGula:

I like arugula because it's good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

24. A lesson in petty:

Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I'd gotten sick

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25. Beverly:

26. THAT'S not supposed to be there:

Hand to God, there is a heard of bison on the loose in the Laconia, NH area... WHO IS PLAYING JUMANJI IN NEW HAMPS… https://t.co/jRXClUmdAL

27. Take it down a notch, 'Bee's:

Applebee's marketing has shifted gears

28. Wow:

Star Wars, but all of the light saber sounds are Owen Wilson saying "wow"

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29. Clippy:

Sometimes when I don't know what to do I'll get this out my pocket & pretend it knows the answer.

30. Missed opportunity:

Biggest upset of 2016 was "now you see me 2" not being called "now you don't"

31. Not fair:

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming