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50 Hilarious Christine Sydelko Tweets That Made 2017 Suck A Little Less

"I glew down." — C. Sydelko, 2017

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1. On self-preservation:

I refuse to drive behind school buses because I'm afraid the cool kids sitting in the back are gonna taunt me

2. On body image:

the only reason I want to lose weight is so I can rap shoop by salt n pepa at karaoke bars without getting out of breath

3. On happily ever afters:

sometimes if you look hard enough, you'll find your happy ever after💕

4. On wellness:

ask your doctor if being a hollaback girl is right for you


6. On making informed decisions:

7. On surprises:

turn your brightness up for a secret message


8. On loyalty:

wow Joe Jonas is really gonna get engaged to another girl the day after he liked my instagram???

10. On legacy:

I want my tombstone to say cha cha real smooth

11. On nutrition:

my idea of eating balanced breakfast is having a lunchable instead of a sleeve of ritz crackers so I hit more of the food groups


12. On religion:

4 years ago today I was interviewed for the news about Pope Francis but the graphic made it look like I was the new…

13. On history:

I'm a slut for the industrial revolution

14. On permanency:

15. On treating yourself:

bouncer: ma'am this area of the club is VIP only me: it's ok I'm a member


16. On speaking your truth:

17. On missed opportunities:

one time in college I took US History 1800-1900 to learn about my favorite president Teddy Roosevelt but he didn't take office until 1901

18. On habits:

how do people have "nightly routines" I just shove the laundry off my bed and go to sleep I'm lucky if I even remember to brush my teeth

19. On human relations:

when 2 straight guys accidentally brush hands while walking


20. On integrity:

I don't need this bullshit I have a lunchable at home

21. On relishing opportunities:

22. On self reflection:

I still think all cats are girls and all dogs are boys is that unwoke

23. On personal brand:

why do I look like a toddler and old man at the same time


24. On convenience:

I wish drive in movies were still a thing not because I'm nostalgic but because I want to literally live in my car

25. On identity:

26. On pop culture:

27. On current events:

happy birthday Abraham Lincoln I can't believe it's been 30 years since you died in hurricane sandy much respect


28. On asking the tough questions:

how are we as a society not sure exactly how old Mariah Carey is??what does that say about us?

29. On fear:

one time I burped and it sounded like "babadook" and I couldn't sleep for 3 days because I was convinced he was coming to get me

30. On morality:

I'm ashamed that I own paul blart mall cop on dvd but I'm even more ashamed that I stole it from my grandma's retirement home

31. On wild nights:


32. On personal taste:

if I had to choose between being murdered and watching an entire episode of the big bang theory I would choose murder

33. On the tough questions:

ok but which one of the hamburger helper glove's fingers is his dick?

34. On music festivals:

35. On making mistakes:

I got high and thought it would be funny to order $50 worth of cereal but now I just realized I have no bowls and also it's not even funny


36. On calling out the bullshit:

movie studio: we are gonna produce a movie set in ancient Egypt casting director: here's a white guy wearing eyeliner

37. On ~lewks~:

good morning I look like the villain from the incredibles

38. On expectations:

just like my pre school t ball game, I didn't come here to play

39. On state of mind:

I'm so high I just tried to Shazam a song that was playing in my sims game


40. On art:

41. On celebrity:

I'm flying first class drinking ginger ale and a girl just came up and asked me for my autograph I feel like Scotty Pippen

42. On economics:

I don't even eat avocado toast and I'm still poor

43. On milestones:


44. On evolution:

45. On appearance:

I may DRESS like a retired football coach but I ALSO have the body of a retired football coach

46. On devotion:

when ur allergic to cats but u love them

47. On ideating:


48. On safety:

one time a creepy old man on the bus asked me what my favorite food was so I said "appetizers" and got off even though it wasn't my stop

49. On cinema:

50. And finally, on what's most important in life:

I honestly, deeply, truly, wholeheartedly, genuinely, really do not give a fuck