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Tea Is Better Than Coffee

It's a non-negotiable statement of fact, but let's talk about it anyway.

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What's that? You need caffeine to function like a human? Well, guess what? Tea has caffeine, too.

But unlike coffee, the caffeine in tea comes in manageable increments so you can drink more of it without turning into a total jitterbug.


Coffee stains teeth; most teas do not.

Basically, if you drink a lot of coffee, people will be like, "You've got some corn stuck in your teeth." And then you'll be like, "Those are my teeth." And who wants to have THAT conversation?

Certain teas have antioxidants that are believed to slow down the aging process.

On the left is Sir Patrick Stewart, an avid tea drinker. He's 72 years old and has the complexion of a prepubescent dolphin. On the right is Sally.* She drank coffee once when she was nineteen and now she looks like this.

*Name changed to protect identity.

You can make tea out of a number of things. Coffee only comes from beans.

Which means there's a substantial range in taste when it comes to different teas. If you think you don't like the taste of tea, you just haven't found the right one! And anyway, coffee beans look like deer poop.