1. Pangolin
You are an artichoke and everyone knows it. Roll back to the vegetable aisle, you leathery feather with a face.
2. Fossa
Why do you remind me of Mark Wahlberg, you strange, muscly cat-bear? I want to snuggle you but your body looks like it would feel like thick rope wrapped in velvet.
3. Lilac-Breasted Roller
Are you made of cotton candy or old Lisa Frank notebooks? Either way I will eat you right up, you pastel lunatic.
4. Glaucus Atlanticus
You look like a first-generation Pokémon with a harder-to-pronounce name. I hate your adorable blue finger-fins.
5. Bush Viper
If you don't sound like an English grandpa who only communicates in mind-bending riddles, I want my money back. Also I want to roll you back and forth under my feet because I think it would feel good.
6. Jerboa
Hahaha, where'd you get them sparrow legs, mouse boy? You are a gerbil on stilts! Go join the circus, please!
7. Dumbo Octopus
OK, if you think I'm not going to put you in my mouth and roll you around in there, you've got another thing coming. Your ear-arms are cute enough to cause an accident and I don't want any part of it.
8. Goblin Shark
You are a salty nightmare and you remind me of Richard Nixon for reasons I can't fully articulate. I would consider it a pleasure to have my life ended by your retractable spike-pit.
9. Indian Purple Frog
Ugh, it's hard knowing when I sleep at night you are pursing your fleshy lips together in some mud slick somewhere. Please grow some bones.
10. Hummingbird Hawk-Moth
You look like the insect equivalent of suicide doors on a mini van. I weep for the flowers you've crushed with your furry bullet body.
11. Desert Rain Frog
That's funny. I don't remember dropping my chicken nugget in a sandbox. You look like your diet consists of a single glass marble.
12. Maned Wolf
Fancy thigh-highs, foxy lady. Remus Lupin made a more convincing wolf than you.
13. Mantis Shrimp
We get it. You were a prop in an off-Broadway production of Disney's The Little Mermaid. Eyes up here, you soggy mood ring.
14. Okapi
You know when you see a car with a different-color bumper than the rest of the body and you're like, "Oh shit, I guess that car's been in an accident"? I guess this pig has been in an accident.
15. Patagonian Mara
Someone told you you could be anything and you chose to be the rabbit version of a Yorkshire terrier. Reach for the stars, I guess!
16. Gerenuk
I want to toss hoops around your neck and watch Titanic in the time it takes them to slide down to your shoulders. You are part deer, part giraffe, and all ridiculous.
17. Pink Fairy Armadillo
Oh no, how did a discarded French-manicure press-on nail get stuck to your back? Quick, bury yourself in the sand so someone mistakes you for a Bugle.
18. Red-Lipped Batfish
You're literally The Gromble from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters. That's all I have to say.
19. Saiga Antelope
You look soft like a golden retriever and I want to bury my face in your stinking fur. Why do I feel like if someone put you on a T-shirt, Kanye West would wear it?
20. Shoebill
Hahahaha, how did you escape from the Pixar universe? Stop looking at me like that, I'm going to pee myself to death.
21. Tufted Deer
Furry walrus deer! Go jump in the ocean!
22. Sunda Flying Lemur
How did the floor mat from my car apply for a job as a full-time bat? No one believes you, you stretched-out squirrel.
23. Chevrotain
I hate you!!! I hate you!!! Stop chewing in my direction, you loaf of bread on toothpicks!!!