Ranking Every Hat Frank Rossitano Wears On “30 Rock”

Seven seasons, 198 hats, one Frank Rossitano.

198. Thick

All images via NBC

(Episode 6-9)—No.

197. Wet To Activate

(Episode 4-3)—Frank, no.

196. Ho Ho Horny

(Episode 2-9)—NO, Frank. BAD.

195. Horny

(Episode 3-1)—*Weeps softly* Why, Frank?

194. Horny

(Episode 3-1)—Frank…

193. Rods

(Episode 1-9)—Maybe he has a lot of friends named Rodrick.

192. Feet

(Episode 6-6)—Absolutely not.

191. Feet

(Episode 6-7)—I said no.

190. Squeeze It

(Episode 1-15)—I’ll assume he means ketchup bottles.

189. Lips

(Episode 2-5)—Mine are frowning at this hat.

188. Shower Scene

(Episode 2-9)—As off-putting as the word “moist.”

187. Balls

(Episode 2-4)—*Sighs.*

186. High Score

(Episode 1-12)—The video game reference may be consistent with the essence of the character, but I crave more.

185. Arcade Champ

(Episode 1-4)—I don’t doubt it.

184. 1,000,000 Points

(Episode 1-14)—Pointy!

183. Acoustic Demo

(Episode 5-4)—This feels very unFrank. Very unFrank indeed.

182. Wide and Tight

(Episode 4-11)—What how.

181. VHS

(Episode 3-16)—I’ll be honest. I can’t read that hat. I think it says VHS, but some internet sources say it reads VWD, which is a hereditary bleeding disorder. Both are upsetting, so let’s move on.

180. Seemiller Grip

(Episode 4-3)—Ping-Pong players know all the moves.

179. Rescue Team

(Episode 2-13)—Yes, I am sure that trucker hats are standard-issue uniform for most emergency workers.

178. E.S.P. Tutor

(Episode 1-8)—If Frank’s oversized spectacles weren’t enough to indicate his extra-sensory intelligence, now he has a hat to prove it.

177. Kill Screen

(Episode 2-1)—Brb, renaming my punk band.

176. Coool As Ice

(Episode 1-16)—The third O! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

175. Mystery Solver

(Episode 1-19)—Because the word “detective” is so overdone.

174. Alabama Legsweep

(Episode 1-20)—Let me guess, this is a sex move?

173. Tandem Alert

(Episode 5-18)—I’m just going to be real and admit that I don’t know what this is.

172. Olé

(Episode 2-7)—How…cultural?

171. Scanner

(Episode 4-5)—I like this hat as much as I like actual scanners.

170. Coin-Operated

(Episode 2-1)—Perhaps a great way to get free money from unsuspecting strangers, but who knows where they’ll insert it.

169. Ready

(Episode 2-2)—That’s the spirit.

168. Beef

(Episode 2-7)—Does he have a problem with someone or does he enjoy cow products? Does he have a problem with cow products?

167. Right Boot

(Episode 2-7)—If he doesn’t have a hat that says “Left Boot” I just don’t know what to do with myself.

166. Defcon 50

(Episode 4-17)—Sounds serious.

165. Phase 3

(Episode 3-9)—Much better than phases 1 and 2.

164. Tornadic

(Episode 6-5)—He is pretty twisted.

163. Ammnesia

(Episode 7-3)—Perhaps he forgot how to spell?

162. Dot Matrix

(Episode 5-17)—Too techy for my liking.

161. Code Breaker

(Episode 5-16)—Not something you’d want to advertise on a hat, I would think?

160. Cryptid

(Episode 6-10)—Frank very well could be a cryptid.

159. Long and Twisted

(Episode 5-1)—iPhone ear buds! Volleyball nets in storage! A python with a sick mind!

158. Reverse Pendulum

(Episode 3-14)—Don’t get excited. It’s not physics, it’s a Ping-Pong serve.

157. Speed Glue

(Episode 5-8)—Man, this guy loves Ping-Pong.

156. Two Fare Zone

(Episode 3-13)—He clearly has expensive taste.

155. [Jumbled letters]

(Episode 3-11)—Jkgkljw vkja aklj awkjg ak aolnva aoweotu?

154. First Class

(Episode 4-6)—Somehow I’m not convinced.

153. Foley Artist

(Episode 3-6)—He specializes in human digestion sounds, I bet.

152. Bronx Golf Club

(Episode 3-6)—Ironic only because there’s no way Frank plays golf, not because the Bronx doesn’t have a golf course.

151. Kayfabe

(Episode 2-8)—Mystifying wrestling jargon has no better place than on hats.

150. Long Pips

(Episode 4-1)—Long pips refer to the style of Ping-Pong paddle some players use to get more topspin, but doesn’t it sound like a venereal disease?

149. Last Shot First

(Episode 4-17)—Film school mumbo jumbo, I’m assuming.

148. Under the Bottom

(Episode 4-15)—Sounds low.

147. Harvard

(Episode 2-8)—This is what Harvard students wear at graduation I heard.

146. Got It

(Episode 2-7)—Happens to the best of us. Don’t fret, Frankie.

145. Maintenance Required

(Episode 6-16)—Thank you for the fair warning.

144. Inappropriate

(Episode 7-8)—Thank you for the fairer warning.

143. Or

(Episode 2-11)—Or what? TELL ME.

142. [Blank]

(Episode 3-17)—It’s like he’s naked.

141. Delete

(Episode 4-11)—For all of life’s mistakes.

140. Pound for Pound

(Episode 4-12)—Heavy.

139. Brain Masala

(Episode 7-1)—It’s a delicacy, just like Frank.

138. Busway

(Episode 4-12)—Subway. Busway. Frank’s way.

137. PG-25

(Episode 4-8)—I still feel like I was too young to see IT.

136. Soccer

(Episode 4-10)—Setting means everything with this one.

135. Game Changer

(Episode 3-17)—I like to imagine all he’s talking about here is that moment while playing video games where you have to stand up, walk over to the console, and put in a new game.

134. Drapes

(Episode 3-15)—Oh?

133. Drapes Carpet

(Episode 3-20)—OH.

132. In Training

(Episode 4-10)—Potty? Or bra?

131. Done Deal

(Episode 1-2)—Strong. Commanding. Confident. Am I talking about Frank or his hat? Honestly, you should know the answer to this.

130. Emotional Friend

(Episode 3-12)—Thank you for the warning, I will not bring up my recent breakup around you.

129. Flowers

(Episode 3-19)—Who says Frank’s not in touch with his feminine side?

128. Laser Disc

(Episode 3-16)—Man, remember laser discs? They were like the love child of a vinyl record and and CD. Kitschy but lovable, not unlike Frank.

127. Kung Fu Beech

(Episode 1-8)—Beech, as in the tree? Beech, as in a purposeful misspelling of “beach”? Beech, as in a vaguely racist pronunciation of “bitch”? You’re a mystery, Mr. Rossitano.

126. Bigfoot Expert

(Episode 1-4)—Big shoes to fill.

125. Semi Legal

(Episode 7-4)—Those are the eyes of a man who’s done some fully legal things.

124. All the Way

(Episode 4-15)—He’s a man of commitment, you can see it on his face (or, you know, read it on his hat).

123. Untitled

(Episode 7-11)—Can’t tell if this is genius or lazy.

122. TBD

(Episode 4-18)—Ditto.

121. Alien Knight Force

(Episode 1-21)—Sigh-fi.

120. Snake Biter

(Episode 5-15)—Manly.

119. Power Tool

(Episode 2-7)—There better be a gay bar with this name.

118. Dream Reader

(Episode 5-11)—I believe you can get me through the night.

117. Good Pieces

(Episode 4-20)—Let me guess: chicken thighs and breasts? Human thighs and breasts???

116. Promotional Consideration

(Episode 5-4)—Broke college kids, take note.

115. Your Ad Here

(Episode 7-12)—Seriously, this guy understands capitalism.

114. Man Scent

(Episode 5-12)—Seems a bit redundant.

113. Emoticon Illiterate

(Episode 6-15)— :(

112. Ninja Expert

(Episode 1-1)—The first time we lay eyes on this lovable meatball of a man he’s wearing this hat. Was he really a ninja expert? Anything was possible back then.

111. Bad Ranch

(Episode 6-18)—A dressing that’s gone bad or a wayward farm?

110. Wet Tacos

(Episode 5-13)—Barf.

109. Alien Abductee

(Episode 3-2)—If people who were (“)abducted(“) were required to wear this hat, it would make choosing a seat on the subway much easier.

108. Lice Owner

(Episode 7-4)—Again, a very practical hat.

107. 1 Card Monte

(Episode 5-12)—There’s a game I could actually win.

106. Role Model

(Episode 3-4)—Clearly.

105. Night Chicks

(Episode 3-7)—A sequel to the Wayans brothers’ 2004 comedy White Chicks where the girls become prostitutes, I assume.

104. Butler School

(Episode 6-16)—More like BUTTler school, am I right?

103. Not Guilty

(Episode 4-2)—You can find me wearing this hat every time there’s an empty sleeve of Oreos in the garbage.

102. Van With Man

(Episode 5-23)—Very Yoda-esque sentence construction. I’ll allow it.

101. Deli Meat

(Episode 5-17)—Only Frank could make something so tasty sound so…coagulated.

100. Beef Ravioli

(Episode 1-18)—Is there any other kind of ravioli? There shouldn’t be.

99. Snow Ninja

(Episode 3-17)—He only fights snow.

98. Burrito

(Episode 2-8)—Is there anything more perfect in the entire world?

97. Disco Fries

(Episode 4-1)—The pride of New Jersey and French fry enthusiasts everywhere.

96. Slo-Bot

(Episode 2-15)—The idea that someone would invent a robot to do things slower than humans can just tickles me.

95. Karate Sluts

(Episode 1-10)—We prefer the term “groupies.”

94. Force Field

(Episode 1-21)—A great hat to wear if you want to deter people from striking up a conversation with you.

93. UFO Cop

(Episode 1-14)—I wonder how many speed (of light) tickets he’s written.

92. Beef N Bean

(Episode 1-10)—What are things you put in a delicious burrito for 200, Alex.

91. Fedora

(Episode 3-19)—This is the only type of fedora that should be allowed.

90. Atomic Super Kick

(Episode 1-18)—It sounds like an indie band’s side project or a film about backyard wrestling, and I dig both.

89. 1st Time Flosser

(Episode 7-5)—Logistically how many times can you wear this hat, though?

88. And

(Episode 2-5)—Literally on the edge of my seat when I read this hat.

87. Karate Hockey

(Episode 4-10)—The best hybrid sport since Frisbee golf.

86. I Tried

(Episode 4-9)—And this hat succeeded.

85. Sumo Dog

(Episode 2-14)—The imagery is TOO GOOD.

84. Read

(Episode 2-14)—If you read this as “read” in the present tense, it’s a cool reminder to pick up a book and expand your brain. If you read this as “read” in the past tense, it sounds like it happened one time and Frank made a hat to commemorate the momentous event. Both are awesome.

83. Mason Storm

(Episode 4-12)—This is either a Steven Seagal character, a porn actress, or what happens when mason jars are on sale at Jo-Ann’s.

82. Smells

(Episode 1-11)—Who says Frank isn’t considerate? He’s wearing this hat for everyone born with anosmia.

81. Dial-Up Access

(Episode 4-13)—~ So0o ’90s ~

80. Low Oil

(Episode 6-16)—Very blue-collar fab. Or should I say, blue hoodie.

79. Tow Away Zone

(Episode 4-16)—The lowest of lows.

78. Free Parking

(Episode 4-16)—THE HIGHEST OF HIGHS!

77. Jobber

(Episode 6-5)—I like this word better than “employee.”

76. Touch Down

(Episode 4-20)—#Sprots.

75. Teenage Grandpa

(Episode 4-7)—Big, if true.

74. Closet Amish

(Episode 6-1)—Bigger, if true.

73. Pocket Dialer

(Episode 4-21)—So innocent yet so deeply disturbing.

72. Cream Sauce

(Episode 5-8)—Such upsetting imagery.

71. Single

(Episode 4-22)—Subtlety is sooo 2011.

70. Bottom Feeder

(Episode 5-1)—This feels so right.

69. Hand Held

(Episode 1-5)—*WINK*

68. Joystick Master

(Episode 1-3)—*WINKS HARDER*

67. Handy Man


66. I Did It

(Episode 5-3)—Every toddler should own this hat.

65. Full Tank

(Episode 5-8)—I know that feel.

64. Karate Prom

(Episode 2-6)—If they don’t play “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas on repeat for four hours, what are they even doing.

63. My First Hat

(Episode 5-17)—Everything about this is adorable.

62. Busy Signal

(Episode 5-19)—Wear this hat to family functions to avoid talking to your aunts.

61. Plumber College

(Episode 5-19)—You could probably find an ironic version of this hat at Urban Outfitters.

60. Letters

(Episode 7-6)—Meta.

59. Feelin’ It

(Episode 3-9)—Feelin’ this HAT.

58. Extra Sausage

(Episode 1-3)—I am ignoring the obvious double entendre and assuming this guy enjoys meat pizzas as much as I do.

57. I’m Cool

(Episode 4-9)—The irony here is too good.

56. Pinball Mechanic

(Episode 3-9)—This is one of those times I’m not sure if Frank made that hat or if he got it at his old job.

55. Peaked

(Episode 6-4)—In my America, this hat would be required uniform for every person who says high school is the best time of your life.

54. Flip Phone Owner

(Episode 6-5)—This is poetry.

53. Because

(Episode 4-4)—Every mom should own this hat.

52. Why.

(Episode 5-1)—See above.

51. Nap Partner

(Episode 5-22)—Only Frank can make napping seem vaguely creepy.

50. Exactly

(Episode 2-12)—Step 1: Wear this hat. Step 2: Make a very good point. Step 3: Lean back in chair and let the praise wash over you.

49. Liz Rocks

(Episode 1-17)—SHE TOTALLY DOES!

48. Be Cool Liz

(Episode 6-10)—But yeah, she could use a chill pill.

47. Over Easy

(Episode 1-8)—Maybe he likes his eggs runny, or maybe he’s done with floosy women. Both are cool.

46. Sort of Loaded

(Episode 4-16)—Completely tipsy < sort of loaded.

45. Partial Foods

(Episode 6-4)—Still edible in my book.

44. Spaceship Owner

(Episode 4-2)—This is a subtle way to call oneself an alien and I dig it.

43. Suplex

(Episode 6-10)—Such a gentle-sounding word for such a devastating wrestling move.

42. Dorm Food

(Episode 6-12)—I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you.

41. VHS Repairer

(Episode 6-14)—~ Vintage ~

40. Hookie Mentor

(Episode 6-20)—Where do I sign up?

39. Cured

(Episode 6-21)—That’s very reassuring.

38. Freshly Bathed

(Episode 7-3)—Also very reassuring.

37. Time Travel Agent

(Episode 1-16)—Just the right amount of whimsy.

36. Intestinal Fortitude

(Episode 4-13)—We could all use a little more of this in our lives.

35. Going Stron

(Episode 7-7)—I see what you did there.

34. Average Voltage

(Episode 6-19)—I see what you did there.

33. Punch Ball

(Episode 7-2)—I see what you did there.

32. Sdrawkcab

(Episode 4-6)—.ereht did uoy tahw ees I

31. Regional Dishonor Society

(Episode 5-15)—I am still seeing what you did there.

30. Straining Order

(Episode 5-13)—I am continuing to see what you did there.

29. Crop Octagon

(Episode 3-20)—Yes, still seeing it. You take a phrase and change a word to flip said phrase on its head.

28. Atlantis Lifeguard

(Episode 2-8)—It’s an effective form of comedy.

27. Former Cyclops

(Episode 3-1)—Which you have obviously mastered.

26. Trap Do_r

(Episode 2-13)—We fully appreciate your sense of humor.

25. Bahama Trapezoid

(Episode 1-19)—Still seeing it.

24. Incompl_te

(Episode 3-13)—Still seeing it.

23. Speling Expirt

(Episode 2-14)—Seeing it and appreciating it.

22. Half Centaur

(Episode 2-5)—OK, last one! Great job, everyone. Way to hang in there!

21. Shark Cop

(Episode 4-6)—He takes a bite out of crime.

20. Space Karate

(Episode 4-19)—Where no one can hear you “hi-yah.”

19. Constant Craving

(Episode 3-18)—SAME.

18. Panic Dream

(Episode 7-11)—I related to this on a personal level, tbh.

17. Night Beast

(Episode 4-11)—It hungers in the dark, not unlike drunk-me.

16. Mash Potatoes

(Episode 1-18)—I read this as a command. MASH potatoes! MASH THEM!

15. Food Coma

(Episode 5-18)—I think we can all agree this is the best kind of coma.

14. Push For Cheese

(Episode 6-20)—Yes to cheese. No to cheese coming out of humans.

13. Extra Cheese

(Episode 1-13)—Write this on my tombstone.

12. Cheese Gravy

(Episode 5-12)—The only thing that could make Thanksgiving even more awesome than it currently is.

11. Cheese Soup

(Episode 7-8)—Pour it directly down my throat, please and thank you.

10. Period

(Episode 7-13)—This is the last hat Frank ever wore! What a beautiful, concise ending to very long hat saga.

9. Space Gravy

(Episode 3-19)—I don’t know what it means, but I absolutely love it.

8. Free Zits

(Episode 7-2)—Gross. But so fitting!

7. Monster Truck Wrestling

(Episode 4-17)—Ten out of ten would pay big bucks to see.

6. Taco Robot

(Episode 7-12)—A robot that makes tacos or a taco-shaped robot? Write the script, Frank, I gotta know more.

5. Hug Stain

(Episode 7-10)—Only Frank could make hugs a regrettable, greasy mess. And that’s why this hat is so successful.

4. Volunteer Pilot

(Episode 6-2)—Terrifying, but I love it. Like riding a roller coaster or when you purposely overdraw your bank account.

3. Field Hockey

(Episode 2-4)—This hat is art. Tell me you don’t feel emotions when you gaze upon this hat and I will call you a liar, sir.

2. Sitting Ovation

(Episode 5-21)—When you want to say, “I appreciate you, but I also appreciate how comfortable this chair is.”

1. Casual Flosser

(Episode 5-22)—Casual flosser? You mean HUMAN BEING? This hat is me. This hat is you. This hat is all of us.

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