Ranking Every Hat Frank Rossitano Wears On "30 Rock"

(Episode 6-9)—No.

(Episode 4-3)—Frank, no.

(Episode 2-9)—NO, Frank. BAD.

(Episode 3-1)—*Weeps softly* Why, Frank?

(Episode 3-1)—Frank...

(Episode 1-9)—Maybe he has a lot of friends named Rodrick.

(Episode 6-6)—Absolutely not.

(Episode 6-7)—I said no.

(Episode 1-15)—I'll assume he means ketchup bottles.

(Episode 2-5)—Mine are frowning at this hat.

(Episode 2-9)—As off-putting as the word "moist."

(Episode 2-4)—*Sighs.*

(Episode 1-12)—The video game reference may be consistent with the essence of the character, but I crave more.

(Episode 1-4)—I don't doubt it.

(Episode 1-14)—Pointy!

(Episode 5-4)—This feels very unFrank. Very unFrank indeed.

(Episode 4-11)—What how.

(Episode 3-16)—I'll be honest. I can't read that hat. I think it says VHS, but some internet sources say it reads VWD, which is a hereditary bleeding disorder. Both are upsetting, so let's move on.

(Episode 4-3)—Ping-Pong players know all the moves.

(Episode 2-13)—Yes, I am sure that trucker hats are standard-issue uniform for most emergency workers.

(Episode 1-8)—If Frank's oversized spectacles weren't enough to indicate his extra-sensory intelligence, now he has a hat to prove it.

(Episode 2-1)—Brb, renaming my punk band.

(Episode 1-16)—The third O! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

(Episode 1-19)—Because the word "detective" is so overdone.

(Episode 1-20)—Let me guess, this is a sex move?

(Episode 5-18)—I'm just going to be real and admit that I don't know what this is.

(Episode 2-7)—How...cultural?

(Episode 4-5)—I like this hat as much as I like actual scanners.

(Episode 2-1)—Perhaps a great way to get free money from unsuspecting strangers, but who knows where they'll insert it.

(Episode 2-2)—That's the spirit.

(Episode 2-7)—Does he have a problem with someone or does he enjoy cow products? Does he have a problem with cow products?

(Episode 2-7)—If he doesn't have a hat that says "Left Boot" I just don't know what to do with myself.

(Episode 4-17)—Sounds serious.

(Episode 3-9)—Much better than phases 1 and 2.

(Episode 6-5)—He is pretty twisted.

(Episode 7-3)—Perhaps he forgot how to spell?

(Episode 5-17)—Too techy for my liking.

(Episode 5-16)—Not something you'd want to advertise on a hat, I would think?

(Episode 6-10)—Frank very well could be a cryptid.

(Episode 5-1)—iPhone ear buds! Volleyball nets in storage! A python with a sick mind!

(Episode 3-14)—Don't get excited. It's not physics, it's a Ping-Pong serve.

(Episode 5-8)—Man, this guy loves Ping-Pong.

(Episode 3-13)—He clearly has expensive taste.

(Episode 3-11)—Jkgkljw vkja aklj awkjg ak aolnva aoweotu?

(Episode 4-6)—Somehow I'm not convinced.

(Episode 3-6)—He specializes in human digestion sounds, I bet.

(Episode 3-6)—Ironic only because there's no way Frank plays golf, not because the Bronx doesn't have a golf course.

(Episode 2-8)—Mystifying wrestling jargon has no better place than on hats.

(Episode 4-1)—Long pips refer to the style of Ping-Pong paddle some players use to get more topspin, but doesn't it sound like a venereal disease?

(Episode 4-17)—Film school mumbo jumbo, I'm assuming.

(Episode 4-15)—Sounds low.

(Episode 2-8)—This is what Harvard students wear at graduation I heard.

(Episode 2-7)—Happens to the best of us. Don't fret, Frankie.

(Episode 6-16)—Thank you for the fair warning.

(Episode 7-8)—Thank you for the fairer warning.

(Episode 2-11)—Or what? TELL ME.

(Episode 3-17)—It's like he's naked.

(Episode 4-11)—For all of life's mistakes.

(Episode 4-12)—Heavy.

(Episode 7-1)—It's a delicacy, just like Frank.

(Episode 4-12)—Subway. Busway. Frank's way.

(Episode 4-8)—I still feel like I was too young to see IT.

(Episode 4-10)—Setting means everything with this one.

(Episode 3-17)—I like to imagine all he's talking about here is that moment while playing video games where you have to stand up, walk over to the console, and put in a new game.

(Episode 3-15)—Oh?

(Episode 3-20)—OH.

(Episode 4-10)—Potty? Or bra?

(Episode 1-2)—Strong. Commanding. Confident. Am I talking about Frank or his hat? Honestly, you should know the answer to this.

(Episode 3-12)—Thank you for the warning, I will not bring up my recent breakup around you.

(Episode 3-19)—Who says Frank's not in touch with his feminine side?

(Episode 3-16)—Man, remember laser discs? They were like the love child of a vinyl record and and CD. Kitschy but lovable, not unlike Frank.

(Episode 1-8)—Beech, as in the tree? Beech, as in a purposeful misspelling of "beach"? Beech, as in a vaguely racist pronunciation of "bitch"? You're a mystery, Mr. Rossitano.

(Episode 1-4)—Big shoes to fill.

(Episode 7-4)—Those are the eyes of a man who's done some fully legal things.

(Episode 4-15)—He's a man of commitment, you can see it on his face (or, you know, read it on his hat).

(Episode 7-11)—Can't tell if this is genius or lazy.

(Episode 4-18)—Ditto.

(Episode 1-21)—Sigh-fi.

(Episode 5-15)—Manly.

(Episode 2-7)—There better be a gay bar with this name.

(Episode 5-11)—I believe you can get me through the night.

(Episode 4-20)—Let me guess: chicken thighs and breasts? Human thighs and breasts???

(Episode 5-4)—Broke college kids, take note.

(Episode 7-12)—Seriously, this guy understands capitalism.

(Episode 5-12)—Seems a bit redundant.

(Episode 6-15)— :(

(Episode 1-1)—The first time we lay eyes on this lovable meatball of a man he's wearing this hat. Was he really a ninja expert? Anything was possible back then.

(Episode 6-18)—A dressing that's gone bad or a wayward farm?

(Episode 5-13)—Barf.

(Episode 3-2)—If people who were (")abducted(") were required to wear this hat, it would make choosing a seat on the subway much easier.

(Episode 7-4)—Again, a very practical hat.

(Episode 5-12)—There's a game I could actually win.

(Episode 3-4)—Clearly.

(Episode 3-7)—A sequel to the Wayans brothers' 2004 comedy White Chicks where the girls become prostitutes, I assume.

(Episode 6-16)—More like BUTTler school, am I right?

(Episode 4-2)—You can find me wearing this hat every time there's an empty sleeve of Oreos in the garbage.

(Episode 5-23)—Very Yoda-esque sentence construction. I'll allow it.

(Episode 5-17)—Only Frank could make something so tasty sound so...coagulated.

(Episode 1-18)—Is there any other kind of ravioli? There shouldn't be.

(Episode 3-17)—He only fights snow.

(Episode 2-8)—Is there anything more perfect in the entire world?

(Episode 4-1)—The pride of New Jersey and French fry enthusiasts everywhere.

(Episode 2-15)—The idea that someone would invent a robot to do things slower than humans can just tickles me.

(Episode 1-10)—We prefer the term "groupies."

(Episode 1-21)—A great hat to wear if you want to deter people from striking up a conversation with you.

(Episode 1-14)—I wonder how many speed (of light) tickets he's written.

(Episode 1-10)—What are things you put in a delicious burrito for 200, Alex.

(Episode 3-19)—This is the only type of fedora that should be allowed.

(Episode 1-18)—It sounds like an indie band's side project or a film about backyard wrestling, and I dig both.

(Episode 7-5)—Logistically how many times can you wear this hat, though?

(Episode 2-5)—Literally on the edge of my seat when I read this hat.

(Episode 4-10)—The best hybrid sport since Frisbee golf.

(Episode 4-9)—And this hat succeeded.

(Episode 2-14)—The imagery is TOO GOOD.

(Episode 2-14)—If you read this as "read" in the present tense, it's a cool reminder to pick up a book and expand your brain. If you read this as "read" in the past tense, it sounds like it happened one time and Frank made a hat to commemorate the momentous event. Both are awesome.

(Episode 4-12)—This is either a Steven Seagal character, a porn actress, or what happens when mason jars are on sale at Jo-Ann's.

(Episode 1-11)—Who says Frank isn't considerate? He's wearing this hat for everyone born with anosmia.

(Episode 4-13)—~ So0o '90s ~

(Episode 6-16)—Very blue-collar fab. Or should I say, blue hoodie.

(Episode 4-16)—The lowest of lows.

(Episode 4-16)—THE HIGHEST OF HIGHS!

(Episode 6-5)—I like this word better than "employee."

(Episode 4-20)—#Sprots.

(Episode 4-7)—Big, if true.

(Episode 6-1)—Bigger, if true.

(Episode 4-21)—So innocent yet so deeply disturbing.

(Episode 5-8)—Such upsetting imagery.

(Episode 4-22)—Subtlety is sooo 2011.

(Episode 5-1)—This feels so right.

(Episode 1-5)—*WINK*

(Episode 1-3)—*WINKS HARDER*

(Episode 2-7)—*WINKS SO HARD EYELIDS BLEED*

(Episode 5-3)—Every toddler should own this hat.

(Episode 5-8)—I know that feel.

(Episode 2-6)—If they don't play "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas on repeat for four hours, what are they even doing.

(Episode 5-17)—Everything about this is adorable.

(Episode 5-19)—Wear this hat to family functions to avoid talking to your aunts.

(Episode 5-19)—You could probably find an ironic version of this hat at Urban Outfitters.

(Episode 7-6)—Meta.

(Episode 3-9)—Feelin' this HAT.

(Episode 1-3)—I am ignoring the obvious double entendre and assuming this guy enjoys meat pizzas as much as I do.

(Episode 4-9)—The irony here is too good.

(Episode 3-9)—This is one of those times I'm not sure if Frank made that hat or if he got it at his old job.

(Episode 6-4)—In my America, this hat would be required uniform for every person who says high school is the best time of your life.

(Episode 6-5)—This is poetry.

(Episode 4-4)—Every mom should own this hat.

(Episode 5-1)—See above.

(Episode 5-22)—Only Frank can make napping seem vaguely creepy.

(Episode 2-12)—Step 1: Wear this hat. Step 2: Make a very good point. Step 3: Lean back in chair and let the praise wash over you.

(Episode 1-17)—SHE TOTALLY DOES!

(Episode 6-10)—But yeah, she could use a chill pill.

(Episode 1-8)—Maybe he likes his eggs runny, or maybe he's done with floosy women. Both are cool.

(Episode 4-16)—Completely tipsy < sort of loaded.

(Episode 6-4)—Still edible in my book.

(Episode 4-2)—This is a subtle way to call oneself an alien and I dig it.

(Episode 6-10)—Such a gentle-sounding word for such a devastating wrestling move.

(Episode 6-12)—I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you.

(Episode 6-14)—~ Vintage ~

(Episode 6-20)—Where do I sign up?

(Episode 6-21)—That's very reassuring.

(Episode 7-3)—Also very reassuring.

(Episode 1-16)—Just the right amount of whimsy.

(Episode 4-13)—We could all use a little more of this in our lives.

(Episode 7-7)—I see what you did there.

(Episode 6-19)—I see what you did there.

(Episode 7-2)—I see what you did there.

(Episode 4-6)—.ereht did uoy tahw ees I

(Episode 5-15)—I am still seeing what you did there.

(Episode 5-13)—I am continuing to see what you did there.

(Episode 3-20)—Yes, still seeing it. You take a phrase and change a word to flip said phrase on its head.

(Episode 2-8)—It's an effective form of comedy.

(Episode 3-1)—Which you have obviously mastered.

(Episode 2-13)—We fully appreciate your sense of humor.

(Episode 1-19)—Still seeing it.

(Episode 3-13)—Still seeing it.

(Episode 2-14)—Seeing it and appreciating it.

(Episode 2-5)—OK, last one! Great job, everyone. Way to hang in there!

(Episode 4-6)—He takes a bite out of crime.

(Episode 4-19)—Where no one can hear you "hi-yah."

(Episode 3-18)—SAME.

(Episode 7-11)—I related to this on a personal level, tbh.

(Episode 4-11)—It hungers in the dark, not unlike drunk-me.

(Episode 1-18)—I read this as a command. MASH potatoes! MASH THEM!

(Episode 5-18)—I think we can all agree this is the best kind of coma.

(Episode 6-20)—Yes to cheese. No to cheese coming out of humans.

(Episode 1-13)—Write this on my tombstone.

(Episode 5-12)—The only thing that could make Thanksgiving even more awesome than it currently is.

(Episode 7-8)—Pour it directly down my throat, please and thank you.

(Episode 7-13)—This is the last hat Frank ever wore! What a beautiful, concise ending to very long hat saga.

(Episode 3-19)—I don't know what it means, but I absolutely love it.

(Episode 7-2)—Gross. But so fitting!

(Episode 4-17)—Ten out of ten would pay big bucks to see.

(Episode 7-12)—A robot that makes tacos or a taco-shaped robot? Write the script, Frank, I gotta know more.

(Episode 7-10)—Only Frank could make hugs a regrettable, greasy mess. And that's why this hat is so successful.

(Episode 6-2)—Terrifying, but I love it. Like riding a roller coaster or when you purposely overdraw your bank account.

(Episode 2-4)—This hat is art. Tell me you don't feel emotions when you gaze upon this hat and I will call you a liar, sir.

(Episode 5-21)—When you want to say, "I appreciate you, but I also appreciate how comfortable this chair is."

(Episode 5-22)—Casual flosser? You mean HUMAN BEING? This hat is me. This hat is you. This hat is all of us.