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    Mar 31, 2014

    Ranking Every Hat Frank Rossitano Wears On "30 Rock"

    Seven seasons, 198 hats, one Frank Rossitano.

    198. Thick

    All images via NBC

    (Episode 6-9)—No.

    197. Wet To Activate

    (Episode 4-3)—Frank, no.

    196. Ho Ho Horny

    (Episode 2-9)—NO, Frank. BAD.

    195. Horny

    (Episode 3-1)—*Weeps softly* Why, Frank?

    194. Horny

    (Episode 3-1)—Frank...

    193. Rods

    (Episode 1-9)—Maybe he has a lot of friends named Rodrick.

    192. Feet

    (Episode 6-6)—Absolutely not.

    191. Feet

    (Episode 6-7)—I said no.

    190. Squeeze It

    (Episode 1-15)—I'll assume he means ketchup bottles.

    189. Lips

    (Episode 2-5)—Mine are frowning at this hat.

    188. Shower Scene

    (Episode 2-9)—As off-putting as the word "moist."

    187. Balls

    (Episode 2-4)—*Sighs.*

    186. High Score

    (Episode 1-12)—The video game reference may be consistent with the essence of the character, but I crave more.

    185. Arcade Champ

    (Episode 1-4)—I don't doubt it.

    184. 1,000,000 Points

    (Episode 1-14)—Pointy!

    183. Acoustic Demo

    (Episode 5-4)—This feels very unFrank. Very unFrank indeed.

    182. Wide and Tight

    (Episode 4-11)—What how.

    181. VHS

    (Episode 3-16)—I'll be honest. I can't read that hat. I think it says VHS, but some internet sources say it reads VWD, which is a hereditary bleeding disorder. Both are upsetting, so let's move on.

    180. Seemiller Grip

    (Episode 4-3)—Ping-Pong players know all the moves.

    179. Rescue Team

    (Episode 2-13)—Yes, I am sure that trucker hats are standard-issue uniform for most emergency workers.

    178. E.S.P. Tutor

    (Episode 1-8)—If Frank's oversized spectacles weren't enough to indicate his extra-sensory intelligence, now he has a hat to prove it.

    177. Kill Screen

    (Episode 2-1)—Brb, renaming my punk band.

    176. Coool As Ice

    (Episode 1-16)—The third O! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

    175. Mystery Solver

    (Episode 1-19)—Because the word "detective" is so overdone.

    174. Alabama Legsweep

    (Episode 1-20)—Let me guess, this is a sex move?

    173. Tandem Alert

    (Episode 5-18)—I'm just going to be real and admit that I don't know what this is.

    172. Olé

    (Episode 2-7)—How...cultural?

    171. Scanner

    (Episode 4-5)—I like this hat as much as I like actual scanners.

    170. Coin-Operated

    (Episode 2-1)—Perhaps a great way to get free money from unsuspecting strangers, but who knows where they'll insert it.

    169. Ready

    (Episode 2-2)—That's the spirit.

    168. Beef

    (Episode 2-7)—Does he have a problem with someone or does he enjoy cow products? Does he have a problem with cow products?

    167. Right Boot

    (Episode 2-7)—If he doesn't have a hat that says "Left Boot" I just don't know what to do with myself.

    166. Defcon 50

    (Episode 4-17)—Sounds serious.

    165. Phase 3

    (Episode 3-9)—Much better than phases 1 and 2.

    164. Tornadic

    (Episode 6-5)—He is pretty twisted.

    163. Ammnesia

    (Episode 7-3)—Perhaps he forgot how to spell?

    162. Dot Matrix

    (Episode 5-17)—Too techy for my liking.

    161. Code Breaker

    (Episode 5-16)—Not something you'd want to advertise on a hat, I would think?

    160. Cryptid

    (Episode 6-10)—Frank very well could be a cryptid.

    159. Long and Twisted

    (Episode 5-1)—iPhone ear buds! Volleyball nets in storage! A python with a sick mind!

    158. Reverse Pendulum

    (Episode 3-14)—Don't get excited. It's not physics, it's a Ping-Pong serve.

    157. Speed Glue

    (Episode 5-8)—Man, this guy loves Ping-Pong.

    156. Two Fare Zone

    (Episode 3-13)—He clearly has expensive taste.

    155. [Jumbled letters]

    (Episode 3-11)—Jkgkljw vkja aklj awkjg ak aolnva aoweotu?

    154. First Class

    (Episode 4-6)—Somehow I'm not convinced.

    153. Foley Artist

    (Episode 3-6)—He specializes in human digestion sounds, I bet.

    152. Bronx Golf Club

    (Episode 3-6)—Ironic only because there's no way Frank plays golf, not because the Bronx doesn't have a golf course.

    151. Kayfabe

    (Episode 2-8)—Mystifying wrestling jargon has no better place than on hats.

    150. Long Pips

    (Episode 4-1)—Long pips refer to the style of Ping-Pong paddle some players use to get more topspin, but doesn't it sound like a venereal disease?

    149. Last Shot First

    (Episode 4-17)—Film school mumbo jumbo, I'm assuming.

    148. Under the Bottom

    (Episode 4-15)—Sounds low.

    147. Harvard

    (Episode 2-8)—This is what Harvard students wear at graduation I heard.

    146. Got It

    (Episode 2-7)—Happens to the best of us. Don't fret, Frankie.

    145. Maintenance Required

    (Episode 6-16)—Thank you for the fair warning.

    144. Inappropriate

    (Episode 7-8)—Thank you for the fairer warning.

    143. Or

    (Episode 2-11)—Or what? TELL ME.

    142. [Blank]

    (Episode 3-17)—It's like he's naked.

    141. Delete

    (Episode 4-11)—For all of life's mistakes.

    140. Pound for Pound

    (Episode 4-12)—Heavy.

    139. Brain Masala

    (Episode 7-1)—It's a delicacy, just like Frank.

    138. Busway

    (Episode 4-12)—Subway. Busway. Frank's way.

    137. PG-25

    (Episode 4-8)—I still feel like I was too young to see IT.

    136. Soccer

    (Episode 4-10)—Setting means everything with this one.

    135. Game Changer

    (Episode 3-17)—I like to imagine all he's talking about here is that moment while playing video games where you have to stand up, walk over to the console, and put in a new game.

    134. Drapes

    (Episode 3-15)—Oh?

    133. Drapes Carpet

    (Episode 3-20)—OH.

    132. In Training

    (Episode 4-10)—Potty? Or bra?

    131. Done Deal

    (Episode 1-2)—Strong. Commanding. Confident. Am I talking about Frank or his hat? Honestly, you should know the answer to this.

    130. Emotional Friend

    (Episode 3-12)—Thank you for the warning, I will not bring up my recent breakup around you.

    129. Flowers

    (Episode 3-19)—Who says Frank's not in touch with his feminine side?

    128. Laser Disc

    (Episode 3-16)—Man, remember laser discs? They were like the love child of a vinyl record and and CD. Kitschy but lovable, not unlike Frank.

    127. Kung Fu Beech

    (Episode 1-8)—Beech, as in the tree? Beech, as in a purposeful misspelling of "beach"? Beech, as in a vaguely racist pronunciation of "bitch"? You're a mystery, Mr. Rossitano.

    126. Bigfoot Expert

    (Episode 1-4)—Big shoes to fill.

    125. Semi Legal

    (Episode 7-4)—Those are the eyes of a man who's done some fully legal things.

    124. All the Way

    (Episode 4-15)—He's a man of commitment, you can see it on his face (or, you know, read it on his hat).

    123. Untitled

    (Episode 7-11)—Can't tell if this is genius or lazy.

    122. TBD

    (Episode 4-18)—Ditto.

    121. Alien Knight Force

    (Episode 1-21)—Sigh-fi.

    120. Snake Biter

    (Episode 5-15)—Manly.

    119. Power Tool

    (Episode 2-7)—There better be a gay bar with this name.

    118. Dream Reader

    (Episode 5-11)—I believe you can get me through the night.

    117. Good Pieces

    (Episode 4-20)—Let me guess: chicken thighs and breasts? Human thighs and breasts???

    116. Promotional Consideration

    (Episode 5-4)—Broke college kids, take note.

    115. Your Ad Here

    (Episode 7-12)—Seriously, this guy understands capitalism.

    114. Man Scent

    (Episode 5-12)—Seems a bit redundant.

    113. Emoticon Illiterate

    (Episode 6-15)— :(

    112. Ninja Expert

    (Episode 1-1)—The first time we lay eyes on this lovable meatball of a man he's wearing this hat. Was he really a ninja expert? Anything was possible back then.

    111. Bad Ranch

    (Episode 6-18)—A dressing that's gone bad or a wayward farm?

    110. Wet Tacos

    (Episode 5-13)—Barf.

    109. Alien Abductee

    (Episode 3-2)—If people who were (")abducted(") were required to wear this hat, it would make choosing a seat on the subway much easier.

    108. Lice Owner

    (Episode 7-4)—Again, a very practical hat.

    107. 1 Card Monte

    (Episode 5-12)—There's a game I could actually win.

    106. Role Model

    (Episode 3-4)—Clearly.

    105. Night Chicks

    (Episode 3-7)—A sequel to the Wayans brothers' 2004 comedy White Chicks where the girls become prostitutes, I assume.

    104. Butler School

    (Episode 6-16)—More like BUTTler school, am I right?

    103. Not Guilty

    (Episode 4-2)—You can find me wearing this hat every time there's an empty sleeve of Oreos in the garbage.

    102. Van With Man

    (Episode 5-23)—Very Yoda-esque sentence construction. I'll allow it.

    101. Deli Meat

    (Episode 5-17)—Only Frank could make something so tasty sound so...coagulated.

    100. Beef Ravioli

    (Episode 1-18)—Is there any other kind of ravioli? There shouldn't be.

    99. Snow Ninja

    (Episode 3-17)—He only fights snow.

    98. Burrito

    (Episode 2-8)—Is there anything more perfect in the entire world?

    97. Disco Fries

    (Episode 4-1)—The pride of New Jersey and French fry enthusiasts everywhere.

    96. Slo-Bot

    (Episode 2-15)—The idea that someone would invent a robot to do things slower than humans can just tickles me.

    95. Karate Sluts

    (Episode 1-10)—We prefer the term "groupies."

    94. Force Field

    (Episode 1-21)—A great hat to wear if you want to deter people from striking up a conversation with you.

    93. UFO Cop

    (Episode 1-14)—I wonder how many speed (of light) tickets he's written.

    92. Beef N Bean

    (Episode 1-10)—What are things you put in a delicious burrito for 200, Alex.

    91. Fedora

    (Episode 3-19)—This is the only type of fedora that should be allowed.

    90. Atomic Super Kick

    (Episode 1-18)—It sounds like an indie band's side project or a film about backyard wrestling, and I dig both.

    89. 1st Time Flosser

    (Episode 7-5)—Logistically how many times can you wear this hat, though?

    88. And

    (Episode 2-5)—Literally on the edge of my seat when I read this hat.

    87. Karate Hockey

    (Episode 4-10)—The best hybrid sport since Frisbee golf.

    86. I Tried

    (Episode 4-9)—And this hat succeeded.

    85. Sumo Dog

    (Episode 2-14)—The imagery is TOO GOOD.

    84. Read

    (Episode 2-14)—If you read this as "read" in the present tense, it's a cool reminder to pick up a book and expand your brain. If you read this as "read" in the past tense, it sounds like it happened one time and Frank made a hat to commemorate the momentous event. Both are awesome.

    83. Mason Storm

    (Episode 4-12)—This is either a Steven Seagal character, a porn actress, or what happens when mason jars are on sale at Jo-Ann's.

    82. Smells

    (Episode 1-11)—Who says Frank isn't considerate? He's wearing this hat for everyone born with anosmia.

    81. Dial-Up Access

    (Episode 4-13)—~ So0o '90s ~

    80. Low Oil

    (Episode 6-16)—Very blue-collar fab. Or should I say, blue hoodie.

    79. Tow Away Zone

    (Episode 4-16)—The lowest of lows.

    78. Free Parking

    (Episode 4-16)—THE HIGHEST OF HIGHS!

    77. Jobber

    (Episode 6-5)—I like this word better than "employee."

    76. Touch Down

    (Episode 4-20)—#Sprots.

    75. Teenage Grandpa

    (Episode 4-7)—Big, if true.

    74. Closet Amish

    (Episode 6-1)—Bigger, if true.

    73. Pocket Dialer

    (Episode 4-21)—So innocent yet so deeply disturbing.

    72. Cream Sauce

    (Episode 5-8)—Such upsetting imagery.

    71. Single

    (Episode 4-22)—Subtlety is sooo 2011.

    70. Bottom Feeder

    (Episode 5-1)—This feels so right.

    69. Hand Held

    (Episode 1-5)—*WINK*

    68. Joystick Master

    (Episode 1-3)—*WINKS HARDER*

    67. Handy Man

    (Episode 2-7)—*WINKS SO HARD EYELIDS BLEED*

    66. I Did It

    (Episode 5-3)—Every toddler should own this hat.

    65. Full Tank

    (Episode 5-8)—I know that feel.

    64. Karate Prom

    (Episode 2-6)—If they don't play "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas on repeat for four hours, what are they even doing.

    63. My First Hat

    (Episode 5-17)—Everything about this is adorable.

    62. Busy Signal

    (Episode 5-19)—Wear this hat to family functions to avoid talking to your aunts.

    61. Plumber College

    (Episode 5-19)—You could probably find an ironic version of this hat at Urban Outfitters.

    60. Letters

    (Episode 7-6)—Meta.

    59. Feelin' It

    (Episode 3-9)—Feelin' this HAT.

    58. Extra Sausage

    (Episode 1-3)—I am ignoring the obvious double entendre and assuming this guy enjoys meat pizzas as much as I do.

    57. I'm Cool

    (Episode 4-9)—The irony here is too good.

    56. Pinball Mechanic

    (Episode 3-9)—This is one of those times I'm not sure if Frank made that hat or if he got it at his old job.

    55. Peaked

    (Episode 6-4)—In my America, this hat would be required uniform for every person who says high school is the best time of your life.

    54. Flip Phone Owner

    (Episode 6-5)—This is poetry.

    53. Because

    (Episode 4-4)—Every mom should own this hat.

    52. Why.

    (Episode 5-1)—See above.

    51. Nap Partner

    (Episode 5-22)—Only Frank can make napping seem vaguely creepy.

    50. Exactly

    (Episode 2-12)—Step 1: Wear this hat. Step 2: Make a very good point. Step 3: Lean back in chair and let the praise wash over you.

    49. Liz Rocks

    (Episode 1-17)—SHE TOTALLY DOES!

    48. Be Cool Liz

    (Episode 6-10)—But yeah, she could use a chill pill.

    47. Over Easy

    (Episode 1-8)—Maybe he likes his eggs runny, or maybe he's done with floosy women. Both are cool.

    46. Sort of Loaded

    (Episode 4-16)—Completely tipsy < sort of loaded.

    45. Partial Foods

    (Episode 6-4)—Still edible in my book.

    44. Spaceship Owner

    (Episode 4-2)—This is a subtle way to call oneself an alien and I dig it.

    43. Suplex

    (Episode 6-10)—Such a gentle-sounding word for such a devastating wrestling move.

    42. Dorm Food

    (Episode 6-12)—I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you.

    41. VHS Repairer

    (Episode 6-14)—~ Vintage ~

    40. Hookie Mentor

    (Episode 6-20)—Where do I sign up?

    39. Cured

    (Episode 6-21)—That's very reassuring.

    38. Freshly Bathed

    (Episode 7-3)—Also very reassuring.

    37. Time Travel Agent

    (Episode 1-16)—Just the right amount of whimsy.

    36. Intestinal Fortitude

    (Episode 4-13)—We could all use a little more of this in our lives.

    35. Going Stron

    (Episode 7-7)—I see what you did there.

    34. Average Voltage

    (Episode 6-19)—I see what you did there.

    33. Punch Ball

    (Episode 7-2)—I see what you did there.

    32. Sdrawkcab

    (Episode 4-6)—.ereht did uoy tahw ees I

    31. Regional Dishonor Society

    (Episode 5-15)—I am still seeing what you did there.

    30. Straining Order

    (Episode 5-13)—I am continuing to see what you did there.

    29. Crop Octagon

    (Episode 3-20)—Yes, still seeing it. You take a phrase and change a word to flip said phrase on its head.

    28. Atlantis Lifeguard

    (Episode 2-8)—It's an effective form of comedy.

    27. Former Cyclops

    (Episode 3-1)—Which you have obviously mastered.

    26. Trap Do_r

    (Episode 2-13)—We fully appreciate your sense of humor.

    25. Bahama Trapezoid

    (Episode 1-19)—Still seeing it.

    24. Incompl_te

    (Episode 3-13)—Still seeing it.

    23. Speling Expirt

    (Episode 2-14)—Seeing it and appreciating it.

    22. Half Centaur

    (Episode 2-5)—OK, last one! Great job, everyone. Way to hang in there!

    21. Shark Cop

    (Episode 4-6)—He takes a bite out of crime.

    20. Space Karate

    (Episode 4-19)—Where no one can hear you "hi-yah."

    19. Constant Craving

    (Episode 3-18)—SAME.

    18. Panic Dream

    (Episode 7-11)—I related to this on a personal level, tbh.

    17. Night Beast

    (Episode 4-11)—It hungers in the dark, not unlike drunk-me.

    16. Mash Potatoes

    (Episode 1-18)—I read this as a command. MASH potatoes! MASH THEM!

    15. Food Coma

    (Episode 5-18)—I think we can all agree this is the best kind of coma.

    14. Push For Cheese

    (Episode 6-20)—Yes to cheese. No to cheese coming out of humans.

    13. Extra Cheese

    (Episode 1-13)—Write this on my tombstone.

    12. Cheese Gravy

    (Episode 5-12)—The only thing that could make Thanksgiving even more awesome than it currently is.

    11. Cheese Soup

    (Episode 7-8)—Pour it directly down my throat, please and thank you.

    10. Period

    (Episode 7-13)—This is the last hat Frank ever wore! What a beautiful, concise ending to very long hat saga.

    9. Space Gravy

    (Episode 3-19)—I don't know what it means, but I absolutely love it.

    8. Free Zits

    (Episode 7-2)—Gross. But so fitting!

    7. Monster Truck Wrestling

    (Episode 4-17)—Ten out of ten would pay big bucks to see.

    6. Taco Robot

    (Episode 7-12)—A robot that makes tacos or a taco-shaped robot? Write the script, Frank, I gotta know more.

    5. Hug Stain

    (Episode 7-10)—Only Frank could make hugs a regrettable, greasy mess. And that's why this hat is so successful.

    4. Volunteer Pilot

    (Episode 6-2)—Terrifying, but I love it. Like riding a roller coaster or when you purposely overdraw your bank account.

    3. Field Hockey

    (Episode 2-4)—This hat is art. Tell me you don't feel emotions when you gaze upon this hat and I will call you a liar, sir.

    2. Sitting Ovation

    (Episode 5-21)—When you want to say, "I appreciate you, but I also appreciate how comfortable this chair is."

    1. Casual Flosser

    (Episode 5-22)—Casual flosser? You mean HUMAN BEING? This hat is me. This hat is you. This hat is all of us.

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