1.
If everyone were Ron Swanson, there'd be a lot more finely crafted tables in the world.
2.
There would be no salads, because people aren't rabbits.
3.
There'd have to be a lot more eggs.
6.
But never clear alcohol, since that is for rich white women on diets.
7.
There would be no twerking. In fact, the word "twerking" would have never been invented.
8.
People would hunt for their food.
9.
Or harvest steaks and ribs.
10.
And if they fished it would only be for sport, since fish meat is practically a vegetable.
11.
People would only speak if they had something important to say, like ordering another round of bourbon.
12.
No one would ever half-ass two things. They'd whole-ass one thing.
13.
People would only cry at funerals or the Grand Canyon.
14.
No one would be permitted to wear shorts under six inches, because that's for Europeans.
15.
Only women would be permitted to shave below the neck.
16.
People would not be allowed to have more than three friends at a time.
17.
There would be no government, since the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples
18.
And no one — NO ONE — would be named Tammy.
