1.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
2.
Tattoo idea: two monarch butterflies carrying a meatball sub
3.
friend: how are things? me: things are good! narrator: things were not good
4.
Guy: so what u up to after this? Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
5.
facebook: hello have a great friday everyone :) twitter: i want 2 fuck jeff goldblum and then kill myself
6.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon* Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
7.
It's only 8:30 but I already know that reading this headline is the best thing that happened to me today
8.
What they say: Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven. What I remember: Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
9.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour* I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max... my son.
10.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
11.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
12.
*backflips out of bushes* can I pet your dog
13.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don't do this.it's a rhombus. u don't care
14.
"You're a good cat. You don't care what the other cats say. You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
15.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
16.
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
17.
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
18.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
19.
Many said I couldn't crossbreed peacocks and flamingos. Yet, I stand here today with my beloved flamingcocks as an inspiration to our youth.
20.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
21.
My little sister's pre-language infancy was spent ardently yet fruitlessly trying to describe a spicy meatball
22.
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you're being an asshole mouthing "she's just hungry."
23.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
24.
Cindy, hold my calls. I just found out male ballerinas are called ballerinos and I need to lay face down on my office floor for a little.
25.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
26.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
27.
oh thank god