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30 Very Fucking Funny Tweets By Women This Week

"Please. Edward Said is my father. Call me Ted Talk."

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i paid for a beer in cash last night and the bartender said “yes! cash! loving it!” and i said “same i’ve been getting back into acoustic money recently” and she did not laugh

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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

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One Weird Trick To Getting Universal Healthcare That American Insurance Companies Don't Want You To Know

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hey sorry just gotta swing by madewell real quick to touch every item in the store then leave

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I have only just discovered that Spongebob is a sea sponge? I thought he was maybe a regular sponge with an eclectic lifestyle, like a white man living in Southeast Asia ✌️

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LADIES imagine this, It’s 15 years from now. You’re not at a shitty baseball game, you’re in hawaii for the weekend. With your wife. You’re a lesbian. You can’t have kids, so they can’t hold you back. All your straight friends are stuck at kids sporting events. You’re laughing.

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Anyone know who this is and whether he’s single?

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Motion to stop calling them incels and start calling them junk male.

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snow leopards biting their tails: a thread

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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don't?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I'm starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

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I’m: ⚪️ Straight ⚪️ Gay 🔘 Calling to let you know how disappointed I am in your story. There’s many things that I read in here that were false. Like you saying that I wore six inch louboutin heels to court with my tweed skirt, when I wore four inch little brown bebe shoes

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I bought a car today, and the dealership had me check off — with a pen, on paper — that I’m not a robot.

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Please. Edward Said is my father. Call me Ted Talk.

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who else peels their strawberries?🤣

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Celebrated Human Rights Lawyer Amal Clooney and her husband. #RoyalWedding

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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

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this is what neighborhood cats look like in Texas

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to be honest? guys?? all this “we should assign women to unwashed losers as fuck objects and kill them if they get abortions” stuff is starting to feel a bit....personal!

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whenever i’m sad i just think about this one time sophomore year when a girl gave my teacher this cake to commemorate the 3 month anniversary of us turning in our essays that still hadn’t been graded https://t.co/jCywHKxVG5

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Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don't say anything weird Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh* Me, out loud: THAT'S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND

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I just remembered I once made an account on Twitter I claimed was a "crush bot" and if you DMd it your crush, and that person also did, it would tell both of you. But it wasn't a bot, it was just me reading the DMs.

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Having a period every month just because you didn’t get pregnant is the epitome of “meetings that could have been emails”

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My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

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