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30 Very Fucking Funny Tweets By Women This Week

"Please. Edward Said is my father. Call me Ted Talk."


i paid for a beer in cash last night and the bartender said “yes! cash! loving it!” and i said “same i’ve been getting back into acoustic money recently” and she did not laugh



some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon


One Weird Trick To Getting Universal Healthcare That American Insurance Companies Don't Want You To Know


hey sorry just gotta swing by madewell real quick to touch every item in the store then leave



I have only just discovered that Spongebob is a sea sponge? I thought he was maybe a regular sponge with an eclectic lifestyle, like a white man living in Southeast Asia ✌️



LADIES imagine this, It’s 15 years from now. You’re not at a shitty baseball game, you’re in hawaii for the weekend. With your wife. You’re a lesbian. You can’t have kids, so they can’t hold you back. All your straight friends are stuck at kids sporting events. You’re laughing.


Anyone know who this is and whether he’s single?


Motion to stop calling them incels and start calling them junk male.


snow leopards biting their tails: a thread


Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don't?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I'm starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.



I’m: ⚪️ Straight ⚪️ Gay 🔘 Calling to let you know how disappointed I am in your story. There’s many things that I read in here that were false. Like you saying that I wore six inch louboutin heels to court with my tweed skirt, when I wore four inch little brown bebe shoes


I bought a car today, and the dealership had me check off — with a pen, on paper — that I’m not a robot.


Please. Edward Said is my father. Call me Ted Talk.


who else peels their strawberries?🤣



Celebrated Human Rights Lawyer Amal Clooney and her husband. #RoyalWedding


The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17


this is what neighborhood cats look like in Texas


to be honest? guys?? all this “we should assign women to unwashed losers as fuck objects and kill them if they get abortions” stuff is starting to feel a bit....personal!


whenever i’m sad i just think about this one time sophomore year when a girl gave my teacher this cake to commemorate the 3 month anniversary of us turning in our essays that still hadn’t been graded


Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don't say anything weird Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh* Me, out loud: THAT'S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND


I just remembered I once made an account on Twitter I claimed was a "crush bot" and if you DMd it your crush, and that person also did, it would tell both of you. But it wasn't a bot, it was just me reading the DMs.



Having a period every month just because you didn’t get pregnant is the epitome of “meetings that could have been emails”


My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore


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