"The new Pennywise is so scary!" they cried. "A murder-y clown, oh no!" they whimpered.
True.
But.
The thing is...
*whispers* I'm still completely fucked up from the original.
This movie RUINED MY LIFE.
Tbh I don't think I even finished it (BECAUSE IT'S OVER THREE HOURS LONG) and yet afterwards I still couldn't do the following things:
1. Take a shower without keeping my eyes open the entire time.
2. Enter a bathroom without immediately checking behind the curtain.
3. Sleep in a fully dark room.
4. Go into the basement at night.
5. Be alone in the gym locker room.
6. Live, basically.
I watched this movie at the exact wrong age, and I was not only convinced this clown would murder me, I was 100% SURE THIS CLOWN WOULD MURDER ME.
If you've never seen the movie (or read the book), it's about a shape-shifting demon that surfaces from the sewers every 30-ish years to prey on children in a small town JUST LIKE MY TOWN.
It usually takes the shape of a sardonic clown named Pennywise, since young children are easily lured with things like balloons and promises of carnivals.
But the children never get to go to any carnivals because It EATS THEIR FUCKING FACES OFF INSTEAD.
And the worst part (to my little 10-year-old brain) was that adults can't see It, so you could be screaming "THERE'S A MURDER CLOWN AND HE'S GONNA EAT MY FUCKING FACE OFF" and your mom would just be like, "Hunny, don't curse."
I hate you, Pennywise. I hate when you popped up in the storm drain.
I hate when you scurried up this lamp post.
I hate when you pointed at me with your shitty murder gloves.
I hate when you tortured sweet John Ritter with a conversational balloon.
I ESPECIALLY HATE WHATEVER THE HECK THIS IS.
And I hate, hate, hate when you said this because I really, honestly believed it, you fucking asshole nightmare clown from HELL OR WORSE.
So enjoy the remake. I'm sure it'll be very scary. But it will never, EVER fuck me up as bad as the original did.
