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50 Thoughts Everyone Has The First Time They Do Their Own Taxes

April 15 is Satan's birthday.

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1. Time to do my taxes like the upstanding citizen I am! This shouldn't take long at all.

2. OK, it's been twenty minutes and I only just found the form.

3. Why is it called an "EZ" form if it takes 20 minutes to find?

4. You think you're cute, IRS? "EZ" form? Your mom is "EZ."

5. Whoa, where is this hostility coming from? It's going to be fine. I've got the form and my W-2 is riiight...Where did I put my W-2?

6. Why do they send the W-2 in January if I'm not going to need it until APRIL? I can barely remember to feed myself, how do they expect me to keep track of a flimsy piece of paper for four months?

6. Wait. Feed myself...Oh, right, it's paperclipped to the fridge behind Mexican food menus.

7. OK, rough start, but now I am READY to DESTROY my taxes. And by destroy I mean FILE THEM IN A NEAT AND TIMELY FASHION.

8. First question: Name. YES. I know this one!

9. Address. I know this one too. Dude, H&R Block is such a scam.

10. Social security number. Wait. I think I know this. It definitely has two 8s in it.

11. Resist the urge to call mom. RESIST IT.

12. Hold up, it's written right here on my W-2. Ha...close one. Definitely almost panicked.

13. Next: Income. Wow, is that all I made? How do I afford to keep myself alive on that?

14. I could probably make more money picking up change off the street.

15. Then I wouldn't have to do my taxes...

16. Dang.

17. OK, next year's plan: Go off the grid. This year's plan: Finish taxes without having (too many) existential break downs.

18. Next: Taxable interest. Haaa...what?

19. * Googles taxable interest *

20. OK, I think this is the taxable interest.

21. But what if it's not? I can't go to jail, I can barely handle long elevator rides.

22. It's probably right though? It's tax-ish and interest-y.

23. It's fine. I can always go back and fix it later.

24. Wait, now you want me to add the first two columns with math?

25. But if the taxable interest is wrong, it'll all be wrong!

26. Relax, I Googled it. It has to be right.

27. But what if it ISN'T?


29. Maybe I'll call my mom and ask real quick. Just to be sure.

30. No. I can do this. I am stronger than this sheet of paper!

31. Oh, look! Instructions! How long have those been there?

32. OK, so that's the taxable interest. Why didn't you just say so, W-2?

33. You know what the real mystery of all this is? We're all so familiar with W-2s, but who's ever heard of a W-1?

34. Man, what happened to W-1s? What is the government trying to cover up? I smell a conspiracy.

35. * Googles W-1 tax form conspiracy *

36. Oh. W-1s are tax forms for employers. I guess that makes sense.

37. Now it's asking me if I'm a "dependent"? What?

38. Yesterday I made Easy Mac without consulting the directions, so I'd say I'm pretty independent.

39. But my parents still pay my cell phone bill...

40. Damn, IRS. Why are you getting in my head?

41. Now I have to subtract two columns but only if one number is bigger than the other?

42. Now I have to calculate some shit with a table?


44. I do not understand what the words on this sheet are even saying. My brain is soup. You've souped my brain, IRS.

45. Me no can read words.

46. Wait, now I OWE MONEY?!

47. What about all that money you suck from my paycheck every two weeks?! What more do you want from me?! There's nothing left to take!

48. This can't be right. I must've made a mistake.

49. I can't go to jail AND owe money. IS THERE NO JUSTICE?!

50. * Cries softly * * Calls mom *