Waited for more than 30 minutes for a train to arrive?Delightfully entered a near-empty train car at rush hour, only to be greeted with a smell comparable to the recesses of hell?Seen a rat?Had a rat run over your feet?Seen a rat eat another rat?Had a giant cockroach run over your feet?Had an unruly child run over your feet?Been stuck underground for more than 30 minutes?Been stuck underground for more than 60 minutes?Smelled pee?Stepped in a pee puddle?Smelled poop?Seen someone actually take a poop?Slipped in a pile of human poop?Slipped in a pile of human poop that was your own?Been puked on?Puked in a corner and walked away slowly?Witnessed someone light a cigarette in a train car underground?Witnessed someone light a cigarette in a train car and then spray an entire can of aerosol deodorant and were sure you were about to go up in flames at that very moment?Confronted a pole-hugger?Confronted a pole-hugger only to have the pole-hugger still hug the pole?Confronted a pole-hugger only to have the pole-hugger physically assault you?Been punched or punched someone?Been yelled at or yelled at someone?Been spat on or spit on someone?Walked past someone who may have been dead and not done anything?Walked past someone who may have been dead and gotten angry he was taking up three seats?Been delayed by a "sick passenger" and muttered under your breath, "That asshole better be dead"?Witnessed someone watching porn?Witnessed someone watching porn with their hand down their pants?Witnessed someone masturbate sans porn, while making eye contact with you or another passenger?Been caught watching porn?Had someone make love to you with their eyes while they licked their lips?Been seated next to a couple who wouldn't stop making out?Seen any sexual act performed on a subway car or platform?Seen a penis, vagina, or boob in the flesh on a train car or platform?Taken a series of selfies while riding by yourself?Pushed a child out of the way to get a seat?Pushed an elderly person out of the way to get a seat?Avoided eye contact with a pregnant woman so you didn't have to give up your seat?Actually considered visiting Dr. Zizmor just to say you met him IRL?Made eye contact with someone uncontrollably sobbing?Been followed into another train car by a stranger?Had a stranger stick a finger in your pocket?Had a stranger put their hand on your hand?Been butt-to-butt with a stranger for more than two stops?Felt someone else's back sweat on your back?Felt someone else's butt sweat on your butt?Had someone else's sweat fuse with your sweat and sort of stick together?Given side-eye to tourists who didn't know how to use their "indoor voice" on a morning rush-hour train?Taken a free sandwich from the guy handing out sandwiches even though you weren't homeless or that hungry?Ran into the "It's showtime!" kids more than once in one day?Sighed/muttered under your breath when that same person begging for money comes on the train telling the same story he's been telling for two years?Been pressured into buying a package of peanut M&Ms from a kid even though you weren't even hungry and/or have a peanut allergy?Tried to take the L train on the weekend only to realize it had been replaced by shuttle buses?Tried to take the L train on the weekend only to realize it was not running whatsoever?Tried to take any train on any weekend?Lived off of the G and depended on it as your primary subway line?Had an out-of-control child wipe his filthy little fingers on you or your belongings?Had an out-of-control child scream bloody murder for the entirety of your ride?Looked at someone carrying an adorable non-service dog and thought, "That's illegal, I should report this"?Fallen asleep and missed your stop?Fallen asleep and missed your stop and woken up at the last stop?Fallen asleep and missed your stop and woken up at the last stop, on an elevated platform, and it was the middle of February and snowing and 5 a.m.?Fallen asleep and had your possessions stolen?Been wide awake and had your possessions stolen?Been bruised/knocked over by someone else's bicycle?Tried to read next to someone playing music so loud it was literally impossible?Tried to read next to someone singing so loud it was literally impossible?Farted an intentional silent-but-deadly one in a crowded subway car?Farted an intentional SBD in a subway car with only one other person, who was seated right next to you?Gotten stuck in the closing doors?Not held the closing doors for someone trying to catch the train?Held the doors for someone trying to catch the train and they didn't say thank you and then you wished you hadn't?Sat next to someone eating putrid-smelling food?Sat next to someone who smelled like literal feces?Bought a nutcracker on the train?Bought a nutcracker on the train from a child?Drank said nutcracker on the train by yourself?Had your unlimited MetroCard expire, like, an hour before you got on the train and cursed under your breath?Had "swipe card again at this turnstile" happen roughly 20 times in a row?Tried said card at a different turnstile in frustration, only for "JUST USED" to appear?Hopped the turnstile?Hopped the turnstile and gotten caught?Hopped the turnstile and injured yourself in the process?Used a student MetroCard as an adult?Used a student MetroCard as an adult for, like, a month?Had someone look over your shoulder to read what you were reading?Had someone look over your shoulder to read what you were reading, then you angled the paper/book slightly so they could see less of it?Purposely avoided the train car your co-worker was going into so you wouldn't have to talk to them on the ride home?Said, "Oh, I need to get the [other train that isn't this one that stops here]" to avoid taking the train with someone you didn't want to talk to?Had someone fall asleep on your shoulder?Aggressively pushed away someone who fell asleep on your shoulder?Didn't tell someone they were about to sit in something gross, because you hate talking to strangers/anyone?Taken the train in the wrong direction but only realized it three stops later?Taken the train in the wrong direction and wound up in another borough?Psyched out a person begging for money because you were looking for coins but only had bills?Survived a chapter of your life where you had an hour-plus regular commute (on a good day) to work/school?Searched "Missed Connections" for someone you were 100% positive you had a connection with?Were disappointed when you found out Venmo wasn't a dating app?
How Much Has Riding The NYC Subway Destroyed Your Soul?
Congratulations! Your soul is pretty intact. You've managed to somehow evade most of the things that lead New Yorkers to move out of the city and/or question the meaning of life. Either you're new to NYC or a pro at tuning out all the stuff that makes the subway super shitty. Go on with your zen-like self, homie. Or, just give yourself another a few months.
Your soul has begun its slow descent into decay. Luckily, you haven't been entirely hardened yet. You've retained the ability to smile at the little things, like babies on the subway laughing in pure delight, and kind exchanges between strangers — but not for long. Watch out, it's a slippery slope from here.
Most of your soul has disintegrated. It's a wonder you still have the courage to regularly step foot into the portal of doom aka your nearest train station. Get out now, before it's too late. Start walking or riding a bike to work, or maybe consider taking a hiatus from NYC and you just might be able to salvage the fraction of your soul that remains.
Your entire soul has been shattered to pure smithereens. You know how people say they've "seen it all" in casual conversation? You literally have. There's a high likelihood you might be an actual monster. The subway has literally and figuratively murdered your soul. I'm sorry it had to end this way.
Dude. You've slipped in a pile of your *own* poop in a public place AND avoided eye contact with a pregnant lady? Sadly, you may never have had a soul to begin with. You need to be banned from the subway — and being in public, probably.