This Bidet Has Made My Butt Cleaner Than Ever

More like bid-yay.

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News flash! Pretty much everyone in the world has been riding aboard the bidet train for quite some time now — the exception being us big ol' bidet-fearing squares in the US of A.

Fox

And I think it's high time we turn that statistic around.

For the uninitiated, a bidet, quite simply, is a device that cleans your butt. It can take the form of a separate sink-like fixture in one's bathroom (fancy!) or a simple attachment affixed to one's toilet bowl (cheap!). And there are a shit ton (lol) of options, at various price points, for you to choose from on sites like Amazon and Jet.

With pureness of heart and openness of mind, I ask simply: Do you, dear reader, enjoy having a clean butt? Alright then, comrade — buckle up and come along with me on a wild ride! One that culminates in a fresh AF booty.

I decided to test out two bidet attachments at slightly different price points: the Tushy Classic ($69+), whose quirky ads and instructional videos seem to market it as the bidet of choice for hip millennials, and the Luxe Bidet Neo 120, which has nearly 5,500 reviews and a 4.6-star average on Amazon as well as a sweet $34.99 price tag.

amazon.com, shareasale.com

Why try a bidet?

1) Having a sparkling-clean booty seems like something cool that I might like.

2) It's environmentally friendly (aka you'll use less TP), and I love trees!

Note: Most bidet attachments are designed to fit on the right side of your toilet (sorry, lefties😟), so if you have a small and cramped bathroom, you'll want to make sure you have enough room for one before you order.

So first up, I opened my sleek-looking Tushy box and got ready to set that puppy up.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

Instructions assured me that it would take a cool 10 minutes to install. It took me more than 10 minutes but I did learn a *lot* about plumbing in the process.

Here's what you need to do:

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

1) Shut off your water supply. This is very easy! There's a valve under your toilet that you turn all the way to the right (at least it was all the way to the right for me; maybe yours goes the other way).

2) Take off the top of the tank and flush your toilet, holding it all the way down *until you can't flush no more*. Also easy! Only an inch or two of water should remain in your tank.

3) Take your toilet seat off. Easy as well! You might find it helpful to use a flat-head screwdriver for this part. Most toilet seats are just attached with little plastic screws you can unscrew by hand.

4) Time to install the bidet!

💩💩 This is where the excitement of setting up my new bidet was swiftly interrupted by learning that I had a *hard pipe* connecting my toilet to the water source. 💩💩

NBC / Via Giphy

(Cue the barrage of "hard pipe" jokes that ensued for the rest of the evening in conversation with my boyfriend because I'm secretly 12 years old.)

I am a giant dummy and should have realized this earlier — BUT I made this mistake so you don't have to. Make sure to check your connection before you start!

This is what a hard-pipe connection looks like, FYI.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

This meant that I'd gone through steps 1 through 3 all for nil, and I'd need to order a flexible hose in order to install the bidet.

Tushy / Via Tushy.me

Luckily, Tushy sells these for $6 (IMPORTANT: It's Hellotushy.com, *not Tushy.com* — the latter will lead you to a porn site, which, cool, but choose your own adventure), and my order arrived just a few days later.

OK, flexible hose in tow, we were back in biz. Back to step #4.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

4) Time to install the bidet! You start off by unscrewing the hard pipe -OR- flexible hose currently connecting your toilet to the water source. If it's a hard pipe, toss that baby aside; you won't be needing it anymore.

5) Then you attach the adapter (the plastic white thingie) included with the bidet to your toilet. It has two holes — one in which you screw a flexible hose (the extra one I purchased) back to the water supply, and one in which you attach a flexible hose (included with the bidet) to the actual bidet. This means that *clean* water, the same that comes out of your sink faucet and shower, will be flowing into the bidet. ✨

Here's a quick video of how that part is done:

Tushy / Via youtube.com

And finally:

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

6) Set the bidet down on your toilet and align it with the holes where the screws attaching your seat go.

7) Put the toilet seat back on, screw it in tight enough to make sure nothing's wobbly — and you're done.

8) Time to use the bidet!!!

So...how'd it go??? In a word: GREAT.

Cartoon Network

I shrieked at the the initial spray, because, yeah, I'm not super-used to getting a stream of cool water aggressively sprayed directly at my butthole, even, it turns out, when I'm prepared for it. (It was one decibel below the shriek that terrified my Airbnb roommates in Tokyo two years ago when I accidentally pressed the "bidet" button instead of the "flush" button on a fancy toilet seat attachment entirely in Japanese.) You might have to adjust your position on the seat to make sure the bidet sprays you in just the right area, but man. What a sensation. So fresh! So clean!

The knob allows you to adjust the water pressure so you can find what's comfortable for you. The higher-pressure setting was way too strong for me — a lower-strength water pressure was just enough to get the job done, and I couldn't imagine anyone particularly enjoying a stream anywhere near the highest pressure setting, but hey, do you! Your butt, your prerogative.

Then there's also a little switch-looking thing that adjusts the position of the nozzle, in case you want a spray in ~another hole~ (aka your vag). Personally, it's probably not something I'd use regularly, but it's nice to know the option is there! Especially since use of it could, in theory, prevent urinary tract infections — and provide a general feeling of freshness after, say, having sex, or during your period.

Does it work? Absolutely!

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

Sparing the gory details, let's just say that a quick spray gets the job that wads of toilet paper would normally take to get done — minus the waste (and the effort!). You'll have to pat yourself dry, of course, but that's like, three squares (don't @ me, Sheryl Crow) vs. however many you'd need otherwise.

Now it was time to see how the cheaper bidet fared. Setup of the Luxe Bidet Neo 120 was exactly the same as the Tushy, except the hose that it came with was slightly longer.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

This was actually a major selling point for me, tbh. The shorter hose that the Tushy had come with was pretty taut once fully installed, and it made me worried it might pop out and a spring a leak. (Maybe I'm just a nervous Nellie — nothing ever happened — but I appreciate the peace of mind that came along with this longer hose.)

There's no nozzle adjuster on this one (aka it's designed for back entrance only), but if you really wanted to, you could just bend forward a bit so the water hits ~the right spot~.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

The Luxe Bidet Neo 180 version, however, comes with two nozzles, and as the product description reads, "the frontal or feminine wash is gentler than the rear spray." Good to know! It too features glowing, 4.6-star-average reviews.

This bidet attachment also comes with a knob to control its self-cleaning nozzle. Unclear how often you're supposed to do this, but I guess once a week seems reasonable? IDK.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

(If you use a bidet and do this, please let me know in the comments!)

The verdict: Both bidet attachments worked equally well! 🏆And I...actually feel kind of dirty and gross whenever I use a bidet-less toilet these days.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

Look, I'm calling it now: 2018 is going to be the Year of the Bidet. Get on it.

Personally, I preferred the Luxe Neo 120 over the Tushy Classic, given that it's nearly half the price and gets the job done just the same.

Emmy Favilla / BuzzFeed

(Though its packaging leaves a bit to be desired.)

But you might want to spring for the Tushy bidet if you're a fan of its sleek design, seeing the words "bum wash" every time you sit down to do your biz, and/or if you find the adjustable nozzle will benefit you. (Alternatively, you can buy the Luxe Neo 180 for $41.95.)

Tushy also sells a model called the Tushy Spa for $84–$89, which connects to your sink — you'll want to make sure your toilet and sink are close enough for this to work — and offers the option for both warm and cool water up in your butt. OoOooh là là.

The Luxe Bidet Neo 120 is available in blue and white (the one I used) as well as allover white. The Tushy Classic is available in noir (black with a gold knob, the one I used) as well as silver (white with a silver knob) and royale (white with a gold knob).

Either way, for the love of all things hygienic, go get that bidet! For yourself, for your loved ones — for anyone with a butt and a dream, really.

MTV

I can honestly that it's changed my life. (And my ecological footprint! Win-win.) This Amazon review in particular speaks to me:

Promising review: "Speaking as a hirsute gentleman, the Luxe Bidet Neo 120 has soured me on pooping in bidet-less toilets forever. It's shown me the difference between rubbing peanut butter out of shag carpeting with a paper towel, and that sparkling clean feeling you get right when you step out of the shower." —Mercury

And this Tushy review, which, same. It really does turn an otherwise ho-hum pooping experience into an "activity" that you can feel great about, imo.

Promising review: "I've never felt so clean and good about this activity. I now don't want to go anywhere but where my Tushy is!" —Miles S.

Get the Luxe Bidet Neo 120 from Amazon for $34.79 and the Tushy Classic from Tushy for $69–$74.

Tushy sent BuzzFeed the product to try free of charge, but we weren't obligated to positively review it.