Skip To Content

    58 Thoughts Every Person Has When Buying Their First NYC Home

    So I have to put 20% down PLUS pay a maintenance fee PLUS pay my mortgage PLUS get insurance PLUS pay taxes? *collapses*

    1) Is this the worst decision?

    2) Am I going to be house-poor for the rest of my life?

    3) Should I just wait a few more years and save some more so I can buy a whole HOUSE instead of a tiny apartment?

    4) No. I can barely keep my room tidy, let alone an entire goddamn house. Let's wait a little on that one.

    5) Can someone please explain to me, for the 20th time, the difference between a condo and a co-op?

    6) OK, I think (??) I understand. Let's see what's out there.

    7) *Googles mortgage calculators to determine what I can afford*

    8) Oh, cool, absolutely nothing in my budget.

    9) Uh, WTF is an HOA fee?

    10) Hold on — so I'm going to have to put 20% down PLUS pay a maintenance fee PLUS pay my mortgage PLUS get insurance PLUS pay taxes?

    11) OMG I am never going to be able to afford a condo.

    *months pass*

    12) Oh, look at this one! Something charming within my budget.

    13) Crud. Building is not pet-friendly, and I have a dog. Next.

    *more months pass*

    14) Oh, this looks nice! It's a little farther out than I'd like, but it's only a five-minute walk from the subway.

    15) Open-house tiiiiime! Exciting.

    16) Um. This is definitely a 15-minute walk from the subway — if you walk fast.

    17) What's...happening with that leaky ceiling?

    *more months pass*

    18) Holy crap, a decent-sized condo within my budget, with a tax abatement!

    19) (What is a tax abatement?)

    20) Oh, cool! So, like, no taxes for a really long time. Cha-ching.

    21) Fuck, is my credit OK?

    22) I totally forgot you need excellent credit to literally do anything.

    23) HOLY SHIT If my credit is not OK I am never going to be able to afford a home and I am going to die alone in a cardboard box because NYC rental prices are going to destroy my life.

    24) PHEW MY CREDIT IS OK!!!!

    25) Alrighty. Next step.

    26) What is the next step?

    27) I...think I need to get pre-approved for a mortgage? *takes deep breath*

    28) Lol, "mortgage." So adult! Weird.

    29) I've been pre-approved! Guess it's time to purge my entire life savings and put an offer on the place.

    30) Am I crazy? Should I actually do this? IS THIS A BAD IDEA HELP

    31) Real estate is always a good investment (right?). I am going to do this. Owning a home is a good thing.

    32) I need a lawyer? This is sooooo adult I can't deal.

    33) The sellers didn't accept my offer. Fucking assholes.


    35) OMGDGGGSADHSAGHDJGGGGGG they accepted my offer.

    36) I guess I'm buying a home? Cool/weird. I feel funny.

    37) No problem, bank. Just hold on one sec while I collect roughly 2,075 pieces of ID and financial information so I can get a mortgage.

    38) Wait. Closing fees can cost up to $15K?? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER

    39) But you don't actually find out how much closing costs are until the day of closing? This is all a cruel trick. Everyone is the worst.

    40) Yep, I'm going to be house-poor forever. Goodbye, wine bars. Hello, drinking two-buck Chuck on my couch for the next 30 years.

    41) I have to pay for a home inspection too? This seems excessive.

    42) Closing is weird. This is so official. Act cool, act cool.

    43) So basically I just sign my name on these 7,000 pieces of paper and then I own a home?!

    44) Whoa. Shit is REAL if you miss a mortgage payment.

    45) I should probably read all these papers lol. I'll just trust my lawyer.

    46) OK, wow, now I own a home. Was this the worst decision?

    47) What if the real estate bubble bursts and I LOSE EVERYTHING!!!!!!

    48) Calm down. I will be fine. Worst case, I can rent the place out and live with my parents for a little bit.

    50) (Oh god I hope I never have to do that.)

    51) I hope the neighbors are cool.

    52) Wait, so you mean if my stove or refrigerator breaks, now *I* have to buy a new one? I am feeling personally attacked right now.

    53) Whoa. Boilers are a shit ton of money. I guess I need to buy a service plan for my utilities too? BYE-BYE, MORE MONEY. I DIDN'T NEED YOU ANYWAY

    54) Painting is the literal worst and I am never painting an entire apartment on my own again. I don't care how much professional painters cost.

    55) You know, this place is shaping up to be pretty cute.

    56) Is it weird that while all my friends are complaining about rent prices going up I'm secretly really excited about it? lol

    57) OMG I am a terrible human.

    58) But at least I own a home?(!)

    Thumbnail photo: Thinkstock/Jupiterimages