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Five Types Of Drivers Who Should Be Downgraded To Segways

Four wheels are just too much for some people to handle.

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The Wordsmith

Despite the dangers of texting while driving being proven again and again, there are some who insist on staying in constant communication, even while behind the wheel. If the idea of being distracted while flinging yourself, enclosed in a metal cage, forward at breakneck speeds doesn't deter these drivers, maybe the potential consequences will.

According to the US Department of Transportation, texting and related activities (like dialing and reaching for a device) increase the driver's risk of crashing by three times.

The Road Rage Virus

This driver should definitely be restricted to Segways for all their transportation needs--but even that might not be enough to stop them. Drivers infected with the road rage virus are emotionally volatile, irritable, and aggressive when on the road. They take this aggression out on their fellow drivers, often driving erratically and endangering everyone themselves along with everyone else. According to a car accident lawyer in Chicago, the NHTSA estimates that 66% of traffic deaths are the result of aggressive driving. While it may be tempting to try to fight fire with fire and give an aggressive driver a taste of their own medicine, experts recommend channeling your reaction into paying better attention to your driving and focusing on getting home safely--the only thing worse than an aggressive driver is several aggressive drivers.

The Unfettered

You just know this driver is listening to a really great power metal ballad and thinking to themselves, "Yeah...I am the Master of Flames...and these lanes do not constrain me."

Whatever their reason, the idea of signaling a lane change doesn't factor into their master plan and they assume all other drivers understand this. Any and all who have yet to recognize their authority are caught completely unaware by the vehicle suddenly appearing in their lane and are forced to accommodate. This isn't just dangerous behavior, potentially causing a major accident, it's downright rude.

The Matador

Every stop sign is a challenge, every yellow light an enemy. The Matador driver approaches the former cautiously, perhaps tapping their brakes a few times in a sort of interpretive dance portrayal of "stopping". This driver rarely stops, however, and usually spares only a quick glance to either side before rolling victoriously through the stop sign.

Yellow lights are known to send this driver into a frenzy, during which the intent of the signal (to *slow down*) is taken to mean the opposite. The Matador charges through, even if the light is turning red as they enter the intersection, and rushes off to take on their next opponent. Except when they don't--according to the NHTSA's Traffic Safety Report, "...red-light running crashes alone caused 762 deaths in 2008." This is one of those things that doesn't have to happen--the lights are there for a reason, and respecting the signal keeps everyone safe.

The Speedster

If only everyone else on the road understood that the Speedster just *needs to go fast*. Whether it's to a Very Important Meeting or a Very Important Sandwich, this driver cannot comprehend why the rest of the world doesn't just take their place in the slow lane and leave the rest of the road for them. They live life on the edge--and by "on the edge" we mean "ten to fifteen miles over the speed limit".

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