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1.An inflatable unicorn hat that'll make your cat incredibly grateful for having you as their Extremely Normal owner. No really, they love all the photoshoots. They're not secretly plotting at all.
2.A lucky pickle pin, because you wouldn't choose just anything to bring you good fortune. You ~relish~ the unordinary.
3.A set of zombie ice pop molds for acknowledging you'll stop playing with your food in public when hell ~freezes~ over. *Cue weird zombie/munching noises*
4.A pair of tiny hands so the rest of your body looks like it belongs to a giant. If you confidence suddenly *grows* exponentially, you know why.
5.A tub of Elizavecca carbonated clay mask that'll help you create at LEAST 100 seconds on your Insta story with nothing but bubbly close-ups. You finally understand why people like selfies....this is why, right? ....Bubbles? 😳
6.A plush loaf pillow, because this'll keep you ~toasty~ all night with your new cuddle buddy. Your partner may ask to move them, but little do they know...they shall soon be replaced. We always said the best way to our hearts is through our stomachs. Loaf understands.
7.A lobster claw oven mitt for probably feeling like you're betraying your fellow lobsters when throwing them in the pot, but at least now your hand is properly protected from the heat. Whatever you need to tell yourself, Brutus.
8.A corgi butt mousepad so you can make working all day feel a little less ruff. Not to mention, this good boy provides plush carpal tunnel prevention. I INSIST you call your family over to make nonstop butt jokes. Don't worry, they'll love it.
9.A matching pin set that'll let you and your best friend or S.O. show off just how in sync you always are — even if that leaves out the rest of the world. They'll never understand your secret language. GOOD.
11.A pair of leaf scoops for making your neighbors go ~green~ with envy as you conquer your entire lawn in half the usual time. Don't let the power go to your head.
12.A Bawdy butt mask so Friday nights can always consist of this on your tush, "Bubble Butt" in the background, and a glass of chardonnay. It comes in three formulas to firm and illuminate, hydrate and tone, and rejuvenate 🍑.
13.A pair of fashionable dog goggles that'll make your fur child look like the coolest kid in town — blending in isn't for either of you. Not to mention, they'll be the envy of all other pups now that they can stick their head out the window without any eye irritation.
14.A T-Rex toilet paper holder, because normal bathrooms are simply for the weak. They wouldn't last a day in Jurassic Park. But you would.
15.A pair of prism glasses for reading and watching TV without ever lifting your head, while the rest of the world cranes their necks. It's also an incredible fashion choice, if I do say so myself.
16.Crafting with Cat Hair, a wonderful guide to your favorite new hobby, so you can make gorgeous gifts made of cat hair for all of your friends and family. I mean, you might get too excited and keep them for yourself. But that's the risk, I suppose.
17.A snuggly cocoon that'll help you feel perfectly swaddled while watching SVU all weekend until it's suddenly Monday. The best part: you can walk around the house and scare the heck out of your family with its...unique...design.
18.A zombie face mask, because this'll bring ~life~ back to tired, dull complexions, clear breakouts, tighten pores, minimize fine lines, and deeply moisturize dry skin. But the main reason you'll wear this is so you can walk around your house, groaning like a zombie. Obviously.
19.A cauldron egg cup holder with an included broom spoon for properly showing off your breakfast after ~toiling~ over it all morning. Is this not what every family's spread looks like?
20.A set of wine condoms so you can add a little *excitement* to regular nights in. Sure, they help extend the life of already-opened bottles of wine, but the real lesson here is you should always use protection when it comes to vino.
21.And! A wine-stain preventing balm that'll let you drink your merlot without it leaving a mark. If the sight of you putting this on your lips and teeth rubs people the wrong way, just wait until their mouth is purple. WHO WILL BE LAUGHING THEN, I WONDER.
22.A set of knit kitty table leg protectors, because this'll probably make your roommate furious, but you know what they just don't understand ART.
23.A high fiber cereal for seriously helping backed-up bowels, but also redefining breakfast of champions. Some people share photos of avocado toast. You share this.
24.A Tony Moly hair nutrition pack so you can learn that there's truly nothing more glamorous than washing your hair with condiments. Ok, it's not REALLY mayonnaise, but it does use shea butter and macadamia seed oil to conquer frizz and damage to make your locks healthier and shiny.
25.A pair of Luna Lovegood sunglasses that'll let everyone know they're just as sane as you are. They just need to watch out for Nargles.
26.Wreck This Journal, an extra creative journal, because this'll let you finally unleash ALL of your imagination without holding back. It just wants you to make an absolute mess in the best ways possible, like taking it with you in the shower, glueing your hair onto a page (yep), and really anything else you want to throw at it — literally.
27.A burrito blanket for watching Chopped in absolute style. I'm not sure why people yell at the TV while watching football, but I do know that if someone uses the ice cream machine I am going to LOSE IT.
28.A reversible, sequined pillow so you can not only add some extremely sophisticated decor to your living room, but always remember the importance of CPR. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive. Stayin' alive."
29.A soft sleep mask that'll show your partner what you meant when you said you're "an animal in bed." If they're disappointed, they're just not the one.
30.A set of cat butt magnets, because these'll prove you have purrfect taste in decor. Anyone who isn't ~feline~ this is just plain wrong.
31.A folding umbrella hat for turning heads in all the best ways. I can't think of anything more satisfying than walking through the rain without the need to hold your umbrella...everyone staring is just jealous.
KEEP DOING YOU, MY FRIENDS!!! 🌈🌈🌈
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