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1.A tongue scraper, because it may become the oddest-looking part of your routine but it'll bring you RESULTS. It scrapes any ~residue~ off your tongue to cancel bacteria and odored breath...just don't look at your sink.
2.A Darth Vader shower head that'll reveal the Sith Lord can actually improve your weak water pressure — his (strong) tears are our gain. I think we can all agree people who bathe normally have chosen the dark side.
3.A tub of Elizavecca carbonated clay mask so you can make skincare a heck of a lot more entertaining. Aside from its obvious selfie potential, this is great for minimizing blackheads, exfoliating, and removing excess oil! And, you know, bubbles.
4.A set of knit kitty table leg protectors for probably making your roommate furious, but you know what they just don't understand ART. They should really thank you for preventing scratches on your floor — now you'll get your security deposit back.
5.A grip strip, because this'll bring you straight to the future where you don't need glue or magnets to keep your phone, keys, glasses, WHATEVER right where you want 'em. People may think aliens infiltrated your car, but you and I know the truth.
6.A set of wine condoms that'll add a little *excitement* to regular nights in. Sure, they help extend the life of already-opened bottles of wine, but the real lesson here is you should always use protection when it comes to vino. Wine gone bad is a tragedy that must be avoided at all costs.
7.And! A wine stain–preventing balm so you can drink your merlot without it leaving a mark. If the sight of you putting this on your lips and teeth rubs people the wrong way, just wait until their mouth is purple. WHO WILL BE LAUGHING THEN, I WONDER?
8.A pair of Mickey Mouse oven gloves for enjoying the *magic* in cooking — aka not burning the heck out of your hands right before eating all your cookies at once.
9.A zombie face mask, because this'll bring ~life~ back to tired, dull complexions, clear breakouts, tighten pores, minimize fine lines, and deeply moisturize dry skin. I had no idea zombies had so much to do — no wonder they're always groaning.
10.A snuggly cocoon to feel perfectly swaddled while watching SVU all weekend until it's suddenly Monday. The best part: you'll never be expected to share your blanket again. Mwahaha.
11.A Squatty Potty toilet spray that'll understand when you gotta go you gotta go, and sometimes the fear of leaving...evidence...is inarguably ~real~. You and your new number two can ride off into the sunset scent-free while the rest of the world holds it in.
12.A reversible, sequined pillow so you can not only add some extremely sophisticated decor to your living room, but always remember the importance of CPR. "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive. Stayin' alive."
13.A pair of leaf scoops for making your neighbors go ~green~ with envy as you conquer your entire lawn in half the usual time. Don't let the power go to your head.
14.A Freeman body mask collection, because Friday nights should always consist of you covering your entire body in masks. If people are alarmed when they walk in on you, tell them it's called self-care. Look it up.
15.An egg separator that'll make sure breakfast always goes swimmingly. I for one don't see anything fishy about letting my yolk touch the lips of gold fish. He's doing his best.
16.A steam eye mask with a soothing lavender scent to *maybe* alarm your partner when they roll over, but mainly treat treat tired eyes and minimize stress. ONE of you will definitely feel relaxed — and have a new cuddle buddy.
17.A friendly colander so he can finally set the record straight about monsters. They're actually extremely well-mannered and particularly helpful in the kitchen. Spaghetti is his favorite thing to strain, but he'll work with really anything. Most importantly, you're probably now motivated to cook for once.
18.A corgi butt mousepad for making work feel a little less ~ruff~ by providing plush carpal tunnel prevention. I INSIST you call everyone over to make nonstop butt jokes. Don't worry, they'll love it.
19.A cable protector, because now your roommate will never "accidentally" use your charger again — and you won't need to deal with fraying cables, which is truly a blessing. Luckily, these guys can't read so your texts will stay private.
20.A book titled The RBG Workout written by (you guessed it) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's personal trainer. For anyone scoffing at following an 86-year-old woman's workout routine...how about you try planking at almost 90 and get back to us.
21.A Patrick AirPods case that'll keep your expensive tech safe, even if you always bury them at the bottom of your bag. That's ok. Take your time.
22.A pair of pasta pot holders so you can cook your real farfalle without burning your hands (mainly because that would mean you'd have to wait to eat). If one of these goes missing, maybe check that your guests didn't try to eat it.
23.A Tony Moly hair nutrition pack, because there's truly nothing more glamorous than washing your hair with condiments. Ok, it's not REALLY mayonnaise, but it does use shea butter and macadamia seed oil to conquer frizz and damage to make your locks healthier and shiny.
24.An egg cup holder for showing off breakfasts so darn delicious, they deserve to be knighted. His quest is to hold your hard boiled egg perfectly in place, but he won't oppose pictures.
25.A pizza nightlight that'll fill your dreams with a slice of cheesy heaven *and* help you see when going to the bathroom at 3 a.m. Hopefully you can return to carb paradise when you go back to bed.
26.A set of cat butt magnets to prove you have purrfect taste, especially when you see how strong they actually are. Nothing is falling off the fridge on their watch — no if, ands, or butts.
27.A garlic twist crusher for an inspiring reminder to always face your fears. Gracula used to avoid garlic at all costs — now he cuts, dices, and minces it like an absolute pro. A beautiful story, really.
28.A Big Foot air freshener, because he's here to settle things once and for all. He's real and...is pine-scented? Apparently his true calling is to make your car smell good. Who knew.
29.An ice cream door stopper that'll both keep your office open and probably work up your appetite. If you have to close your door and have an impromptu Ben and Jerry's session at your desk, this'll understand.
30.A razor holder so you can declutter your bathroom counter, but mainly have someone to talk to while shaving. He really is the perfect gentleman — he keeps your razor clean and never talks back.
31.A folding umbrella hat for turning heads in all the best ways. I can't think of anything more satisfying than walking through the rain without the need to hold your umbrella...everyone staring is just jealous.
32.A sponge holder, because on top of her beautiful voice, she'll keep your sponge free from bacteria, collect excess water in her tub (how else is she to bathe?), and overall extend the life of your sponge. The least you can do is give her a standing ovation.
You buying these things for their "practical purposes":