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1. A Punky semi-permanent hair color for a treatment that works on even dark hair (!!!) and puts expensive dye jobs to SHAME. Its shades are super saturated, can last over 25 washes, and conditions while it treats your tresses. Meaning you'll have a whole month of colorful, shiny hair.
2. An acupressure wristband, because reviewers swear this helps put an end to unpleasant nausea whether it's due to pregnancy, flying, vertigo, WHATEVER. Say farewell to trial-and-error treatments that really add up and say hello to sweet, sweet relief.
3. A set of Schtick dermaplaning razors to remove peach fuzz painlessly (and without paying for a wax). It's gentle, precise, and won't leave irritation marks like most threading or razors. Aka your face will be as smooth as a baby's bottom and you'll never have to pay the price.
4. A FlexiSnake drain unclogger that'll prove standing in water while showering is actually very avoidable — especially since this takes less than a minute to use. AND it'll save you money in the long run when you don't need maintenance to unclog your sink.
5. A set of waistline and bra extenders so you can wear your clothes without them constantly pinching and pulling. These'll provide a little more ~breathing room~ *and* prevent having to buy a whole new wardrobe.
6. A Clorox ToiletWand for removing tough stains and eliminating germs in the fastest amount of time. Aka this'll give you a brand-new potty without so much as a delivery fee (and its long handle will keep you at a lovely arm's length the whole time).
7. A pack of Rael pimple patches, because these'll drain zits overnight and reduce the lifetime of your breakout faster than you can say pop. They take a second to slap on *and* speed up recovery to practically overnight. Expensive acne products, you just met your match.
8. A Squatty Potty that'll relieve you from backed-up bowels and give you a ~leg up~ on efficient, er, toilet sessions without a hefty charge whatsoever. Translation: YOU WILL POOP LIKE NEVER BEFORE.
9. A pack of makeup removing cloths so you can wipe even waterproof eyeliner and mascara away faster than you can dive into bed — not to mention this'll save you $$$ on disposal makeup wipes.
10. A mini knife sharpener for bringing those inexpensive knives you've had since freshman year of college back to pristine condition. No need to go out and buy a fancier set.
11. An Ecotools makeup brush cleansing–shampoo, because this'll extend the ~shelf life~ of your brushes by washing away months (years?) of buildup and conditioning their bristles back to their original form in a matter of minutes.
12. A tea tree oil that'll address multiple issues at once, like rosacea, acne, scarring, and razor bumps — just to name a few! Under $10 AND fast-acting? I need a moment.
13. A mold and mildew spray remover so you can restore your grout, tiles, tub, shower, and sinks quickly and easily and prevent any remodeling or repair charges.
14. A Shea Moisture black soap bar for clearing up eczema and psoriasis breakouts before you have time to scratch. Its blend of aloe, tea tree oil, and soothing oats not only calms irritated skin, but also effectively treats acne! And it saves you money? Is there anything this can't do?! NO.
15. A tub of Aztec healing clay, because this'll deep-cleanse your pores like there's no tomorrow and kiss even cystic breakouts GOODBYE. Tough breakouts? Not anymore. Overpriced facials? I think NOT.
16. A heated round brush that'll let you skip expensive blowouts. The outcome is exactly the same (if not better) and gives you drastic results before your arm is even tired.
17. A rapid ramen cooker (from Shark Tank!) so you can transform cheap hard noodles into a drool-worthy, microwave meal in MINUTES. Please don't press your face against the microwave. You really only need to wait for about three minutes.
18. A pack of cleaning wipes for undoing any possible damage on your leather or suede boots from walking through mud, salt, you name it. Spending less than $10 on these > having to invest in another pair of boots.
19. A bottle of Fanola purple shampoo, because this'll brighten your blonde hair to fully platinum in just one to three minutes. Translation: you get to maintain platinum blonde tresses ALL THE TIME without a trip to the pricey salon.
20. A wood polisher that'll undo any surface scratches the minute they happen, aka you'll avoid any unexpected charges from your good old landlord. AND you won't have to buy new furniture!
21. A wine stain–removing spray to take care of not-so-ruined clothing or furniture whenever a night goes a little *sour*. This'll spritz the mess away so you can pretend like it never happened — no need to replace your precious throw blanket.
22. A pack of SweatBlock clinical antiperspirant wipes so those of us who are just constantly ~damp~ can finally tell our armpits who's boss. So long, huge copays just to learn there's "nothing to be done." We won't miss you.
23. A pet hair remover for quickly de-shedding your rugs and couches and putting an end to your life with *furry chic* decor. Which I must tell you is not a thing. But at least now you won't need to invest in a $$$ heavy-duty vacuum!
24. A pair of blue light glasses, because these'll relieve computer-related headaches without costing an arm and a leg (or taking any precious PTO). These minimize ~digital eye strain~ to help you avoid any midday crashes caused by your glaring screen so you actually stay in the zone.
25. A tube of BioFreeze gel that'll enlist its cooling menthol formula to relieve back pain, shoulder knots, knee soreness, you name it. If there's an aching muscle, this'll numb it — all before you spend money on a massage.
26. A pair of compression socks so you can cheaply improve circulation in your legs by encouraging blood flow through your toes up to your knees while you work out, travel, or need to lessen painful swelling ASAP (people who are pregnant swear by these!). If you're pregnant or traveling, I need not explain why you don't want to spend more moolah.
27. A multi-purpose cleaning solution for treating just about everything under the sun: rust, burnt pans, stained tubs, worn-down sinks, even Sharpie marks (!!!). Translation: you can get everything to look like new, instead of replacing things the minute they look worn-down.
28. A charcoal toothpaste, because this'll give you fresh pearly whites without costing you a lot of *green*, making a mess of your sink, OR requiring any more effort than just regularly brushing. Splurge-worthy whitening or cheap toothpaste? We'll let our admirers decide.
29. A bottle of earwax removal drops that'll effectively soften, loosen, and unclog stubborn ear canals that are driving you up the WALL. Prepare to be grossed out and amazed all at the same time — mainly at how little you needed to spend, after all.
30. A jar of O'Keeffe's hand cream so you can drastically repair extremely chapped, cracked hands for a whopping $8. Its super concentrated cream formula contains three main ingredients: water (to hydrate parched skin cells), glycerin (to draw in moisture and accelerate the hydration process), and paraffin (to create a barrier and maintain moisture).
31. An organic nipple cream for cheaply soothing and hydrating chapped, dry nipples thanks to calendula and marshmallow root. Babies are EXPENSIVE! Save the budget for first birthday parties.
32. A pack of toe separators, because these'll easily realign overlapping toes and provide relief from bunions while you go about your day. Be glad you read this *before* undergoing any costly bunion-removal procedures.
33. A pair of anti-chafing bands that'll save us from being betrayed by our very own legs. Et tu, thighs? Good thing these take a second to put on, are cheap as all heck, and still make us feel fancy. Take THAT, sun.
34. A pack of tea oil-absorbing tissues so you can confront midday shiny T-zones head on by absorbing excess oil, controlling shine, AND soothing irritated complexions with bamboo charcoal. Meaning your days of splurging on fancy foundations full of empty promises are behind us.
35. A bottle of Teddie Organics rose water toner spray for telling redness, tight, dry skin, and oily T-zones to take a hike and leave you with a dewy, refreshed complexion that lasts allll day. $10 spray or fancy skincare routine? As far as the world can tell...the latter.
36. A Burt's Bees after-sun lotion, because this'll combine aloe and coconut oil to subdue nasty sunburns after telling your mom she was wrong about the danger of overcast weather. You should have REAPPLIED. Maybe she'll at least praise you for saving money...
When you're shopping and the salespeople ask how they can help you:
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