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1. A pair of socks for when you feel like you're literally being eaten alive every time you talk to relatives on the phone.
Get them from Amazon for $10. Available in six styles.
2. An uncomfortable calendar to make you feel better about your own family — or maybe you have even worse pictures idk.
3. A boyfriend body pillow that's better than the real thing, because you don't have to talk to it now or ever.
Promising review: "Absolutely perfect as a gift for my older sister!!! She loves her new boyfriend pillow, and the fact that the shirt can be thrown in the wash." —Sara Stoica
4. A wise T-shirt, because the only FOMO you've ever had is when you miss your favorite show.
Get it from I Spot You on Etsy for $20. Sizes: S–XL. Available in nine colors.
5. A hoodie pillow to safely hide from social interactions whether napping or not.
6. A cute drink marker for even more incentive to stare into drinks to avoid the risk of eye contact.
Get it from Urban Outfitters for $8.
7. A plush heart with the face of someone who just said "I love you" and got an "aw" back.
Promising review: "I got this little guy for my girlfriend for Christmas and she loves it. The stitching of the cute face and veins are remarkable, and six months of holding, throwing, and cat scratches hasn't given the plush any noticeable wear nor tear. This heart is a tough one!" —Marcus
8. A welcoming wall hook that'll translate your thoughts when people show up unannounced.
9. A set of custom stickers to face roommates who have sticky fingers without having to say a word.
Stick these pups on anything from mugs to phone chargers to never "mysteriously" lose your things again. Upload your picture after the "Customize Now" option and watch the magic happen.
Promising review: "I bought a sheet about two years ago and the sticker (of my dog Romeo) is still on my coffee mug to this day — after daily washes. I never need to worry about someone taking my coffee cup at work, Romeo keeps an eye on it!" —Nicholas M Mattera
Get it from Amazon for $11.99.
10. A shy dino for anyone whose hope to make a friend will never go extinct.
Get it from Blank Pages Indy on Etsy for $5.
11. A relatable story about the woes of meeting strangers and then realizing dying alone doesn't sound bad at all.
12. A stress ball who emits every feeling felt when asked to do a group presentation.
Promising review: "This little guy is adorable. Super fun to play with and will keep you entertained for hours." —Amazon Customer
Get it from Amazon for $1.39 or Walmart for $8.99 (for a six-pack).
13. A dramatic pen holder, because every "tell me about your weekend!" is like a stab to the heart.
Promising review: "I love this. I have it on my work desk and I can stab at it any time I'm feeling the pressure from someone." —Kindle Customer
Get it from Amazon for $12.
14. A self-sabotaging game that'll have parents everywhere wondering where they went wrong — but that was going on before the game.
Players take turns challenging each other with a combination of two cards: "where" (i.e. "Post on Facebook) and "what" (i.e. "Grandpa really fills out those khakis"). The player to collect the most cards by completing the dares wins!
Get it from BuzzFeed's Social Sabotage from Jet or Walmart for $24.97.
PSST...We make money when you buy this!
15. A pack of coasters with nose holes to *cover up* your real expression at a party, which is horror.
Promising review: "For such a simple idea, this has to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Our friends simply could not stop laughing! Seriously, we were all on the floor with these silly little half masks on." —Eugene Artemyeff
16. A helpful book of things to do with all your spare time now that you've officially sworn off people.
17. A majestic T-shirt that'll serve as either a conversation starter or repellent, depends on the crowd I guess.
18. An inspiring journal so you can unleash your strangest self without alarming your coworkers.
It's filled with creatures to color, lists, writing prompts, activities, and more!!
Promising review: "I love this journal. It is quirky and inspiring — the little exercises make you think and bring you back in time. I am going to fill this out for my granddaughters to read about me one day — I hope it will inspire them to always be a bit weird and proud of it!" —Rossi Family
Get it from Amazon for $10.87, Barnes and Noble for $11.74, or a local bookseller through IndieBound here.
19. A sticker with an infallible pickup line that you can trust will make you a strong sensual woman.
Get it from on RedBubble for $2.98+. Sizes: S–XL
20. A tongue brush to take staying at home with your cat to a whole new level — there's really no turning back now.
Promising review: "I bought this for my sister and she loves it. Oh, the entertainment our family had watching her lick her cats is something I just can't put into words right now. Watching the cats' reaction and the sounds the cats made is priceless. I am not a cat lover and I immediately had to go outside and pat my dogs on the head and they were satisfied with the affection." —Bryan Steele
Get it from Firebox for $33.29 or Amazon for $24.99 (also available in green).
21. An icebreaker patch for when you're just trying to enter a conversation.
22. A sneaky scarf with a hidden flask, because socializing for more than two minutes calls for...a...refreshment.
Promising review: "I bought this as a gift and it was well-received. It is stylish even when full, holds a decent amount of wine, and is not noticeable at all. It was supposed to be a gag gift but has turned into an everyday piece (without the wine of course)." —hcl
Get it from Amazon for $25.95 (Available in 14 colors) or Walmart for $14.99.
23. A doge coin purse that'll join you in giving people the side eye when they ask to sit next to you on the train.
The rest of the car is EMPTY?!
Promising review: "I absolutely love it. It's even better than the photo and adorable down to the lining on the inside. It can be used to carry money/coins but is large enough to fit small cosmetic items as well. I loved it so much I immediately placed an order for another. Can't wait to give the next one as a gift. I'm sure I'll order more." —Joanna B.
Get it from Amazon for $6.96. Available in 23 styles.
24. An honorary pin for the Queen of Awkward who did not deserve her fate. #JusticeForBarb.
25. An anxious word bubble who cringes at the thought of pillow talk.
26. A fidget spinner with lipgloss so you always have something to with your hands while pretending to listen to someone.
27. A tattletale magnet to inspire you to conquer confrontation and address the situation at hand. Suffer in silence no longer.
28. A regretful tank that knows you haven't had a good night's sleep since that time in fifth grade when you called Mrs. Rowe mom.
29. A sexy sloth who should inspire you to have more flexibility about leaving the house.
Promising review: "Best purchase I've made this year. Shower time is never dull in the mornings with this sexy and seductive stripper sloth. We dance, wash, and sing together. I've named him Monica. He's a hot mess, and I love to make it rain erry day." —Jesse Drew
Get it from Amazon for $29.99.
30. An honest phone case with the face of someone who texted their boss last night's photos after calling in "sick".
Get it from lunalovebad on RedBubble for $25. Available in all iPhones 5–8.
31. A personable suitcase cover to keep smalltalk to a minimum while waiting at baggage claim. Or really anywhere in the airport.
32. A blunt doormat with a very simple question and an even simpler solution: to leave.
Promising review: "This is the greatest doormat ever. I'm not a big fan of unannounced visitors, so it pretty much sums up my feelings." —WickedSteppMom
33. A proud beanie for those us of us who know the grass is greener on the side with no people.
Get it from Stay at Home Club for $20.
I need to go...wash..my hair...
The reviews for this post have been edited for length and clarity.
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