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1.A pair of knee socks for anyone who feels like they're literally being eaten alive every time they talk to relatives on the phone.
2.A plush heart with the face of someone who just said "I love you" and got an "aw" back — so basically this toy will really be able to relate to your friend. Just let them hug it out.
3.A polyjuice potion mug that'll come to their aid when they literally want to morph into a disguise after accidentally calling their boss "mom."
4.A brain or crystal ball pin, because if they're not already actively repressing an awkward memory they should see another one coming.
5.A Tamagotchi On so they finally have the perfect excuse to stay in whenever invited to go out — "it's just hard to leave my pet home alone. They need me."
6.A pack of work-related affirmation cards to make sure they have words of encouragement every time they think they'd rather just quit than go to another "encouraged" happy hour.
7.A screaming goat figurine for helping them release their anguish whenever their cubicle mate asks about their weekend. I mean there's only so much one can endure.
8.A stress relief toy that'll help them emit every feeling felt when asked to do a group presentation.
9.A set of oversized sunglasses, because these are essential for them to successfully avoid eye contact — even on the subway. Wow the ceiling is so interesting...
10.A fleece blanket with sleeves to give them a huge, cuddly hug at the end of the day when it seems like the world just isn't feeling them. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM, AWKWARD AND ALL.
11.A Bob Ross bobblehead figure who can say ten different famous quotes so they feel better about all of their happy little accidents. They should probably keep this at their desk so it's always ~on hand~ when they hit "reply all".
13.A leather coin purse that'll give them a quick, easy-to-reach place to throw their change when paying at a cashier. No more, "THERE IS ONE PERSON BEHIND ME, I BETTER START PANICKING" the minute they get the receipt.
14.A contemplative phone case, because this'll reflect exactly what your friend is going through as they decide whether to text their crush "hi" or "hello." Decisions....
15.A sloth coloring book so they'll remember to slow down and de-stress after a hard day of failed interactions. Will they find this therapeutic after hugging their interviewer, instead of shaking hands? Yes.
16.A helpful sound button to stop them in their tracks every time they start to say "you too" to the waiter. They really need you to save them from themselves.
17.A dino food holder for letting them know they're allowed to be an awko taco for the rest of their life. Unfortunately, the memories will never go extinct.
18.A helpful book that'll give them a list of crafts to do with their cat, who ironically probably judges them the most. Still better than dealing with people.
19.An invisibility cloak, because this'll help them disappear (at least on the app) whenever they realize there aren't any dogs to talk to at a party. Interacting with humans is too risky...they could also just stand in the corner with this on and *pretend* no one can see them. Good enough, IMO.
20.A 3D cat sticker so they can have some decor that's all too relatable for people who make ~entering~ a conversation way weirder than it has to be.
21.A card game about Googling strange things to help them realize they're not the only one who wants to know if a monkey has ever touched a whale. But now this is the right place to actually ASK someone. Why did they ask your mom?!
22.A set of prescription shot glasses for giving them the medicine they so desperately need every time they try to sing along to really any karaoke song. A for effort...?
23.A body pillow that'll give them something better than the real thing, because they won't have to talk to it now or ever. AND they can call little spoon every night. Humans don't do that.
24.An honest T-shirt, because we're starting to notice a pattern every time our dear friend arrives. Why did they just ask the doorman if they come here often?!
25.A friendly notepad so they'll always have some encouragement when you're not immediately available. Now they'll be reminded it'll all be ok...even when they accidentally end a business call with saying "love you." Oh boy.
26.A pair of unicorn slippers to give them something as magical as coming home after a long day of smiling and nodding. SWEET RELIEF.
30.A dramatic pen holder so they know YOU know every "let's open with some ice breakers!" is like a stab to their heart. It's also a great stress reliever when they're too afraid to ask Jan from accounting to LEAVE the A.C. ALONE.
31.A quirky knit beanie to accessorize this season with something that says, "non-stop awkward situations, but make it festive." This'll say it all the next time they call someone by the wrong name three flipping times in a row.
32.A pair of personalized pet socks for making sure they have something comforting (and ADORABLE) to gaze at whilst staring at their feet all day. There's no place like home, especially when that means your dog and no people.
33.A cotton T-shirt inspired by queen of all things fab and awkward, Tina Belcher, that'll let them know it's totally fine that they are absolutely someone who would fall in love with a ghost in a box. We've all been there...haven't we?
34.A doge coin purse, because now they'll have someone to join them in giving people the side eye when asked if the seat next to them is free.
When someone asks them an extremely simple question: