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1. A fleece blanket with sleeves that'll reward them for successfully avoiding humans and staying single all this time. No blanket hogs = no cold arms.
2. A Slytherin pom-pom beanie for letting them proudly display their obvious house. They're not snobby, they're selective. But they may hiss at you in parseltongue.
3. And! A Harry Potter insults handbook so your friend can tell their Draco of a coworker that they're the fourth Unforgivable Curse.
4. A Festivus celebration kit, because they'll finally be able finally share their grievances loud and clear. This is the real meaning of holiday spirit.
5. A pair of grumpy socks to help make their, er, distaste of everyone's holiday spirit feel a little cuter. We know the holidays start too early now. We know.
6. A cell phone stand that'll make it easier for them to text you all day with updates about how infuriatingly loud their cubicle mate breathes.
7. A pair of oversized sunglasses for giving them a way to hide from public in plain sight, aka when they see someone from high school. RUN.
8. A set of prescription shot glasses so they'll have the medicine they so desperately need every time someone tries to even look their way at a party. It was a miracle you got them to show up...
9. A body pillow, because this'll give them something better than the real thing — they won't have to talk to it now or ever. AND they can call little spoon every night. Humans don't do that.
10. A doge coin purse to ensure they always have someone to join them in giving people the side eye when asked if the seat next to them is free.
11. A subscription to Winc that'll deliver very important adult juice right to their door on a monthly basis. They'll be thanking you when they have vino to undo their whole day of listening to their grad teacher say their name wrong.
12. And! An attachable wine cupholder for encouraging them to down said vino in a relaxing bath after being *drained* from a long day of unnecessary interactions.
13. A handy notepad so they can upgrade their confrontation methods — being passive aggressive just isn't cutting it for them anymore. It's time to be direct — Steve from accounting CANNOT keep sneezing that loudly.
14. A heartwarming pin set, because this'll let you two bask in the true meaning of friendship — the ability to complain about everyone else in life. Who needs more than one friend, anyway?
15. An ingenious lunch cooler to help them finally protect their dang lunch. If Clark "accidentally" takes their leftovers ONE MORE TIME there will be hell to pay. It's also very effective for dissuading people from asking your friend to join them in the cafeteria.
16. A friendly T-shirt that'll end unwelcome conversations before they even begin. Your friend is about to be a much happier person.
17. A dishwasher magnet for giving them a cute, non-aggressive way to tell their roommate that dishes don't unload themselves. Despite what it seems, bowls don't grow legs and climb back to their shelf.
18. A comforting coloring book so you can remind them it could be a lot worse — they could be a T-Rex who's supposed to be extinct, but is instead working at a library where they can't reach anything anyway, due to tragically short arms.
19. A set of handcrafted bath bombs, because this'll help them release some ~steam~ after a long, long day of teaching their mom how to make a screenshot ("just press the two buttons — no — at the SAME TIME!"). Plus, some of the bath bombs will make their tub water dark enough to match their soul 🖤.
20. A pair of splurge-worthy Beats wireless earbuds to help them discreetly block out the sounds of frankly annoying conversations wherever they are — plus they boast nine hours of listening time, and feature secure-fit ear hooks for lightweight comfort (Airpods could never). These might even make your Grinch smile...
21. A heat-sensitive, color-changing mug with a powerful reminder that'll stop them from changing their name and fleeing the country before even finishing their first cup of coffee.
22. A graphic tee for giving them the power to predict the future about every two minutes. There's just so much to judge, so little time.
23. A jumbo stress relief toy so they can release their frustrations when everyone in the whole world seems to *succ*. Just tell them to squeeze and repeat.
24. A hospitable doormat, because this'll keep small talk to a minimum — the faster random people leave, the better.
25. A Tamagotchi On to finally give them the perfect excuse to stay in whenever invited to go out — "it's just hard to leave my pet home alone. They need me."
26. A pair of silicone ear plugs that'll a) drown out their "unbearably loud" roommate at night, and b) prevent any chance of them becoming any more tired/irritable than usual. The more well-rested the better.
27. An understanding oven mitt for telling them they're not alone in agreeing with Dwight...we really do need a new plague. Just bake it out, my friend.
28. A relatable sweatshirt so they can let random people on the street know that they *will* pet their dogs without asking, and they *won't* make any human eye contact. Thank you, next.
29. A helpful sound button to put classmates in their place when they try to only do ONE powerpoint slide. They need to invite everyone in their group projects to their funeral, so that they can let them down one more time.
30. An insightful phone case, because you just KNOW they're going through unwelcome texts and judging. Even worse is when they scroll through their Instagram — "oh look, another engagement shoot. Mute."
31. A warning cap that'll give them a way to let people on the subway know that they need to BACK OFF. They really don't care if there isn't any room.
Your friend: "Take your holiday spirit..."
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