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1. A six-outlet wall charger designed specifically for larger chargers that also comes equipped with two USB fast-charging ports *and* a night-light, so you can finally stop cursing the technology gods every time you have to crouch down under your desk and swap out the chargers.
2. A pack of NeuroGum made with a blend of caffeine and nootropics, designed to give you energy five times faster than regular coffee — without jitters or sluggishness afterward. That 3 p.m. slump when you suddenly have the attention span of a goldfish just met its match.
3. A pair of blue-light-blocking glasses to help defend your eyeballs against the strain of your transition from phone to laptop to television to laptop to phone, aka your eyes' new itinerary.
4. A memory foam seat cushion for your tushy so effective at relieving pressure from your tailbone that you'll finally stop losing sleep over your love-hate relationship with your chair.
5. An insulated soundproofing strip for anyone working from home — this easily sticks to the outer rims of your door so you and your roommate can both be on a Skype call without hearing each other's coworkers echoing about Q4 goals in the distance.
6. A time-marked water bottle to remind you to stay hydrated during the work day. Just because your brain is miserable doesn't mean that the 60% of your body that is literally water should be, too.
7. A selfie ring light for all your Zoom presentations, so you can one-up all the coworkers who get actual light in their rooms by tricking them into thinking you live inside a beautifully-lit Instagram apartment instead of a snack dungeon.
8. A ventilated laptop stand you can prop on a table or your desk — this makes your laptop screen eye-level to reduce neck and shoulder strain, and gives your laptop fan space to breathe so it doesn't overheat and make that "WBRGHHHHHHH" noise that fills you with dread.
9. Or an adjustable, portable standing desk so you can break up the seemingly endless monotony of your day by standing for a bit and getting the blood flowing to your legs.
10. A portable desktop USB mini fan to keep you cool as a cucumber even while you're somehow? sweating???? from sitting at your desk??!??!?!?! The human body is a terrible mystery.
11. A Baby Yoda mousepad so no matter what happens during your work day, you'll still be able to say without one ounce of irony that you have the cutest coworker in the galaxy.
12. A cold brew coffee maker so gloriously easy to use that all you have to do is stick your favorite ground coffee in the filter, seal the airtight lid on top, and pop it in the fridge overnight. Boom, four cups of cold brew to keep you energized through all...the meetings...that should have been emails 😬.
13. A cat-shaped mug that'll make the purrrrfect desk companion by fulfilling your most immediate work needs: surrounding yourself with cute things, and filling yourself with caffeine.
14. Plus a personalized Atlas Coffee Club subscription to avoid your truest work nightmare — running out of coffee. This will send you a surprise gourmet coffee from around the world every month, along with tasting notes, brewing instructions, and a postcard from the country it's from.
15. A whole bunch of delicious snacks with some major "there's free food in the office kitchen!" vibes, in case you, like me, are someone who loves popcorn as much as they love their coworkers.
16. An adorably encouraging daily planner you can fill out to keep yourself on track for all your calls, goals, and even your water intake. Getting to cross things off your to-do list is basically the "PARKOUR!!" of work days, after all.
17. Plus a set of eye-popping fine point pens designed for planners and journals, so you can use all the pretty colors to bleach your brain after you emerge from your Excel spreadsheet abyss 🌈.
18. A mini inflatable tube guy for your desk to cheer you on (or remind you to take a lil' dance break whenever you overwork yourself).
19. A phone holder that'll make it a heck of a lot easier to make work calls over FaceTime or Gchat, or just to see when a text from your BFF comes through for one short blissful serotonin boost before your brain goes back to the thing it's paid to do.
20. A Friends-themed 2021 desk calendar so you can be like "One day down! ... only seventy bajillion more to go!" But like, in a fun, nostalgic way!!!
21. A set of Monkey Noodles, a quiet sensory toy that stretches, pulls, twirls, wraps, *and* squeezes, so you can keep yourself focused during Zoom calls that make you feel like you just aged six years in an hour.
22. A delightfully bendy desk lamp that not only charges right up with a USB cord, but will also serve as a port to charge your phone. Behold this glorious intersection of style, function, and pretending natural light hits your desk when it sure the heck does not!
23. A pair of AirPods Pro with a wireless charging case, if you're looking to invest in a hands-free, ridiculously effective noiseproof option. Once these toggle into "noise-cancelling" mode it's basically like the world disappeared. Also, nobody will be able to tell that you're blasting late '90s bops at the highest volume just to feel an emotion other than crushing existential boredom!!
24. A set of adhesive cable clips you can stick to your desk to keep your charging cables locked in one convenient place, so you can stop wincing at the veritable jungle of cords you've created.
25. A 42-page Rocketbook Fusion reusable notebook that works the same way all their products do — you can write on its pages the way you would a regular notebook, upload the page onto your devices, and wipe the notebook clean with water to use all over again. Nothing makes a the nine-to-five grind go down a little easier than knowing Captain Planet, at least, would be proud of you.
26. A set of floppy disk coasters to remind you of the good old days, where there were only one or two ways you could accidentally miss a correspondence from a coworker instead of 15,000.
27. An under-the-desk foot rest to help take pressure off your feet and lower back, subtly fixing your posture and preventing some of the aches and pains that come from parking it at your desk all day long and then some.
28. A mug warmer that'll keep your coffee piping hot long after you brew it, because for some reason coffee slips into the time-space-work continuum and there is truly no feeling more demoralizing that guzzling down lukewarm coffee at 11 a.m.
29. A bunch of Disney-themed stickers you can stick all over your laptop so you'll have at least one brief moment of "d'awwww" before you have to open it and actually, well, work.
30. A set of adjustable desk shelves to organize your professional knickknacks and make your desk look like it has some kind of aesthetic beyond "Human Person Who Eats A Lot Of Cheez-It Snack Bags To Self-Motivate" (my own personal brand, to be clear).
31. A rotating, heated back and neck massager to work out all of the knots in your odds and ends that you're starting to name after individual coworkers.
32. A white noise machine if you're working from home. This makes a constant pfshhhhhh noise or nature sounds to help mask outside noises like construction or your neighbor restarting Parks & Rec for what mathematically must be the fifth time (more power to them, though).
33. Or a set of super comfy wax ear plugs that mold to the shape of your inner ear like putty, in case all else fails and you just need to fully block out your annoying surroundings.
34. A memory foam gel pad for your wrists, which might relieve some of the cramping and wrist pain that comes with holding your hands over your keyboard as you stare into the void and try to think of a way to phrase a reply without saying, "As per my LAST email ..."
35. A roll-on migraine stick made with peppermint, spearmint, and lavender oils to help you soothe away that vague headache you sometimes get from sitting in one place for too long, or trying to clear out your inbox after you dared to be in two back-to-back meetings.
36. A compact, TikTok-famous rolling desk bike so you can try to out-bike your own tears when someone Slacks you at 4:58 p.m. and asks if you "have a sec."
37. Or a universal laptop treadmill desk attachment so you can power walk through the embarrassment of a text from your mom popping up while you were screensharing to half your coworkers.
38. A chic, waterproof desk mat to tie your desk space together and make it feel more like there's a "place" for everything (most importantly, your ginormous mugs of coffee).
39. A "hierarchy of remote work needs" printable to keep at your desk as a reminder that the new self-actualization is logging the heck off at the end of the day and living your human life.
You, freshly motivated, after jazzing up your desk with an inflatable tube guy:
