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14 Things That Would Make This Election More Interesting

Let's turn this snoozefest into the ridiculous political rave Canada deserves.

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The Canadian federal election campaign has thus far been a drawn-out snoozefest, with political leaders sating the 24-hour news cycle with a range of boutique tax credits and uninspired attacks on one another.

Other than the Mike Duffy trial (which is now on break until after voting day), not a whole lot has happened.

And guess what? We've got seven more weeks of this.

We could bitch and moan, or we could come up with some solutions to this repetitious, unexciting, seemingly interminable democratic operation.

1. Drake running for prime minister.

Kanye West announced Sunday night at the MTV VMAs that he would be running for president in 2020. Drake basically already runs the 6ix, so he should now set his sights on running the whole country.

The OVO Party of Canada would presumably support the arts, legalize marijuana, and refer to cabinet members simply as WOEs.

3. Strippers and cocaine, Lord Sewel-style.

THE SUN FRONT PAGE: 'Lord Sewer' #skypapers

5. Morgan Freeman.

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters

Imagine: You're watching one of the leaders live at yet another campaign stop. But instead of Evan Dyer or Laurie Graham appearing on TV after the event to recap what just happened, it's Morgan Freeman. Just think about it.

6. Sexier campaign slogans.

@pdmcleod A firm hand around the throbbing economy.

@acoyne @pdmcleod The way we massage the numbers will stimulate your GDP. #sexycampaignslogans

7. A poutine-eating contest.

Chris Wattie / Reuters

Let's judge how much the party leaders love Canada based on how fast and thoroughly they can devour the nation's favourite meal. Just imagine the gravy getting caught in Tom Mulcair's beard: Totally gross, entirely entertaining.

8. Conservatives interacting more with humans.

giphy.com

Many Conservative candidates have been hiding from the ~evil media~ and refusing to participate in debates. So, if you want to hear from your local Tory candidate, you'll have to hope they knock on your door.

Things would definitely be more interesting, if not just a bit more informative, if the Tories emerged from their campaign lairs.

9. Trudeau donning dreads.

Nothing says "I'm hip with the kids" like being white and wearing dreadlocks — and what better way to stick it to the "Nice hair, though" haters?

10. Children as pundits.

CBC / BuzzFeed Canada

Replace those partisan panelists on news programs with young children. The result would probably be more insightful, and we already know Middle Kid is great on television.

"I don't like that beard man's day care plan, because day care sucks. They don't even have Xbox there."

The analysis for which we've yearned for so long.

11. A campaign promise to make McDonald's serve breakfast all day on weekends.

Mike Blake / Reuters

Now here's an issue Canadians care about. Curing hangovers would suddenly become much easier, thus boosting national productivity on Saturdays and Sundays. All day breakfast is already a thing at some U.S. locations, too.

12. Demolition derbies instead of polls.

Darrin Zammit Lupi / Reuters

Polls are often inaccurate, anyway. Might as well smash some stuff up in the process of trying to figure out who's leading in federal vote intention.

Each party (or candidate, if done at the local level) would be represented by a colour-coded car. The last car running would win that week's polls.

It actually mirrors the campaign quite nicely: The winner of the derby, or the highest in the polls, is usually the one who has to do less maintenance in the week ahead.

Party pro tip: Instead of surveying voters, host your own demolition derby in which cars represent policies or platform pillars. The car that wins is the idea on which you'll campaign the most.

14. Angry Tory moderating his own debate.

Sean Kilpatrick / The Canadian Press

Screw Mike Duffy's mistakes on his tax forms. Angry Tory will take over debate moderating duties from the "lying pieces of shit" media and ask the questions real Canadians want answered.

Emma Loop is a politics reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in Washington, DC.

Contact Emma Loop at emma.loop@buzzfeed.com.

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