How To Execute The Perfect French Greeting In 5 Easy(ish) Steps

When I first arrived in France, I tried to say hello to someone and ended up semi-making out with their ear. So I’ve decided to put together a short but practical list of things you MUST take into account when greeting someone in France with the traditional kiss-em-on-the-face technique. A beginner's guide to embracing that first step into French culture with confidence: don't blame it on the bisous.

1. First and foremost has to be head position.

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Having inadvertently pleasured a pubescent French boy in the summer by accidentally pecking at his ear lobe, I feel I am in a particularly strong position to advise on this matter and to assure you of its utmost importance.

So, if the recipient of your kiss is of a different height to you, you must ensure to still aim for the cheek. Remember: if it’s not the ear lobe you catch, it could still end up being the nose/temple/forehead/shoulder/jawline/eye socket.

And don't forget the precision required with the head swivel motion between kisses. I would suggest retreating slightly when changing cheeks to avoid those unfortunate collisions. Minimal force means minimal damage: I once inadvertently left a Ray-Ban imprint on a poor woman's temple as a result of a particularly ferocious head-butting encounter. Don't fall into the same trap, mes amis.

2. Next up, the big debate: how many kisses should you give?

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Again, I would opt for the less is more option; however, this very official map details the number of preferred kisses by region.

But how can we know this for sure?! Is it true the French are constantly adding more and more kisses to the sequence?! If I’m introduced to a family of 4 could that soon entail 24 kisses?!

After some experimentation in this area, I have deduced that two - one per cheek - will suffice for the majority of people you meet. My fieldwork has also concluded that more than five kisses will definitely be construed as pushing your luck.

I'd say that, if your recipient decides to catch you off guard and go in for a third, why not just BACK OFF and let them take the lead on that. You can save yourself by quickly moving out the danger zone, thus signifying the end of the kissing transaction after two. With your face out the way, your eager companion will simply be forced to plant their kiss into the thin air – this is surely far more agreeable than mistakenly catching the side of your face, or worse, lingering on your lobe…

3. Now to the issue of appropriate sound effects during the transaction...

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Here, I can only recommend that practice makes perfect. Your noise must be suitably loud to have audibly taken place, but not so enthusiastic that you leave any liquid evidence.

Interestingly, I've found that lots of women tend to accentuate their MWAH to indicate just how happy they are to see you, whereas many men prefer to remain mute – perhaps preferring to stifle sound on the off-chance of a surprise sensation…

4. This leads us to the penultimate question: with whom is it necessary to perform this kissing ritual?

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The answer I’ve deduced thus far is EVERYONE. Male, female, young, old, friend or foe – kiss ‘em.

Except taxi drivers.

Do not kiss taxi drivers.

I went for it when I arrived at Bordeaux airport and, as I moved my hands towards his shoulders to initiate the ol’ kissing regime, his shock quickly turned to a weirdly smug satisfaction. I then spent the most part of a half hour journey trying to avoid his creepy glances in the interior mirror...

5. Finally, what do you do with the rest of your body during the whole exchange?

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Well, pay particular attention to the hands. I’ve found that placing one arm lightly but confidently on the recipient’s waist (hover briefly at first if unsure) is a good half way point. Too much and you may give a taxi driver the wrong impression. Too little and you end up with your arms loosely hanging at your sides, looking like a bit of a lemon and also kinda like Harry Potter and Cho Chang when they have their first kiss in the movie.

(that is NOT VERY COMFORTABLE AT ALL if you haven’t seen it)

So there you have it, how to (or not to) greet someone in a culture-sensitive manner in France.

Bon courage!

Bisous