1. Ok, here we go.
2. Out on my own for the first time in years.
3. The dating scene can’t have changed THAT much, right?
4. ….What’s Tinder?
5. I’ll just download it and take a look.
6. OH CHRIST this is the fucking worst.
7. I forgot how much I hate people.
8. What happened to the dating world while I was away?!
9. I go away for a few years and the dating apocalypse happens.
10. …Oooh, they’re quite cute actually.
11. *right swipe*
12. I have no matches, I’m going to die alone.
13. I am basically Chandler, but without a Monica.
14. I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love.
15. Bring on the fucking cats.
16. I’ll start with one.
17. Then get a few more so they have some cat friends.
18. Don’t want them to be lonely.
19. Like I am.
20. Then I can die alone in my cat mansion and get eaten by them.
21. Omg, I HAVE A TINDER MATCH.
22. They’re so attractive.
23. AND they like puns.
24. They’re basically my soulmate.
25. We’re gonna get married and have such beautiful babies.
26. That’ll show my ex.
27. If they ever message me back that is.
28. Come on, message me back.
29. FUCKING MESSAGE ME BACK, I AM YOUR SOULMATE.
30. Ok, I’m ready to go back to being not single now.
31. I’ve made a terrible mistake.
32. Venturing out solo was a terrible idea.
33. It’s too late now though, can’t go crawling back.
34. I just need someone who’ll be willing to watch sad films with me and stroke my hair afterwards.
35. Is, “no hook-ups, just want someone to watch sad films with”, an acceptable Tinder bio?
36. I can broach the idea of hair stroking when they get here.
37. Shaving my legs every night, did not miss that.
38. Maybe I could just shave them alternate nights?
39. Oh, right, there may not be nights plural.
40. One night stands, forgot about those.
41. And people not texting you back.
42. People are just so joyous. NOT.
43. Why can’t I just skip the dating, and go straight to the bit where we lie in bed together and eat pizza?
44. Ok, enough moping. I’m going OUT.
45. Maybe I’ll meet someone… maybe I’ll meet THE one!
46. Yes, that was a Frozen quote.
47. This is why I’m single.
48. So this is what clubs look like now.
49. Not too different. Still AWFUL.
50. Don’t mind me, just going to stand in this corner and look awkward.
51. I’m too old for this. I feel too old for this.
52. FUCK, just made eye contact with someone.
53. Wait, why are you coming over?
54. Ok, looks like we’re doing this.
55. Smile, remember to smile.
56. What’s my name again?
57. Am I flirting?
58. They just touched my arm, I think I’m flirting.
59. Did they actually just ask if I want to go home with them?
60. But… I’ve only just met them, they’ve not COURTED me yet.
61. I need to be wooed godammit.
62. We haven’t even taken a turn around the fucking green.
63. Do not make a Jane Austen reference, hold it in.
64. Ok, made a joke about having a love-in with my friends.
65. Flirty rejection is the best rejection.
66. Why yes, I WILL give you my number.
67. ….Did I just give someone my number?!
69. Psh, this dating thing is a doddle.