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53 Thoughts Everyone Had While Watching The 2015 Golden Globes

Besides trying to figure out who was wasted.

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1. I'm already upset this is Amy Poehler and Tina Fey's last year.

2. Amy looks 50 shades of orange darker than Tina.

3. It only took 30 seconds for them to work in a joke about North Korea!

4. Amy really captured the essence of Reese Witherspoon's performance in Wild ("She did all of her own walking. So brave").

5. Joaquin Phoenix was SO excited to have a shout-out during the opening monologue.

6. Has anyone seen Cake? Maybe it is just a movie about a fluffy dessert.

7. I'm glad Amy and Tina acknowledged the massive elephant in the room: International rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin deserves the lifetime achievement award.

8. Amy and Tina actually played "Who Would You Rather" for a good minute.

9. Ah, there's the civil rights movement joke!

10. And, there's the Bill Cosby joke! As promised!

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11. J.K. Simmons' might've been the first speech of the night, but I've already decided it's the best of the night.

12. I'm glad Joanne Froggatt used her speech to encourage sexual assault survivors to speak out.

13. I CANNOT BELIEVE UZO LOST! Someone give her an award!

14. Seriously, Jeremy Renner? That joke about Jennifer Lopez's "Golden Globes" was uncalled for.

15. Oh shit, Billy Bob Thornton is about to say something terrible... Oh, phew.

16. Amy and Tina are taking that North Korea joke even further and now there's a fake North Korean journalist in a military uniform trying to take a selfie with Meryl Streep. I can't decide if this is funny or if this really needs to end.

17. How many hours after the show ends until Amy and Tina decide they will host it one more time?

18. GINA RODRIGUEZ WON! Her speech! Her tears!

19. TRANSPARENT! And what a phenomenal speech from Jill Soloway.

20. Oh Prince!

21. Andddd Common's speech for Best Original Song for Selma!

22. This ceremony is not so much an awards show as much as it is a social justice forum.

23. Matt Bomer and Mark Ruffalo's air kisses could not be cuter.

24. Katie Holmes and Seth Meyers talking about free breakfast for all the losers is weird.

25. Oh no, here comes Ricky Gervais.

26. Kevin Hart would awkwardly plug his movie.

27. Salma Hayek saying "dude" is bizarre to witness.

28. Did Matthew McConaughey just blow Jared Leto a kiss when he walked out? What just happened?

29. "Je suis Charlie" is written all over this theater and it's amazing.

30. Patricia Arquette knows what's up. After beating Meryl Streep, she hugged her and said, "Thank you for giving me a hug, I hope your DNA transferred to me."

31. Oh my gosh, the fake North Korean journalist is back. I've decided: This really needs to end.

32. SERIOUSLY, WHY IS EVERYONE SO TAN? HASN'T IT BEEN RAINING IN LOS ANGELES?

33. Kristen Wiig cannot do a De Niro impersonation, but watching her try is pretty amazing.

34. Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin for the win!

35. Jeffrey Tambor finally winning a Globe and dedicating his award to the transgender community was the best part of the night.

36. Was Lupita Nyong'o even in a movie this year? Do we even care? She looks so damn good in her glasses!

37. Can someone give Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal a Globe for Best Siblings Ever?

38. Did any of the voters even watch past The Affair pilot?

39. Did they know he was going to win? That House of Cards trailer after Kevin Spacey's win was really well timed!

40. But really, these speeches are almost better than the performances that got the actors on stage.

41. Did anyone else catch Paul Rudd introducing himself as Blake Shelton when he walked out to present with Adam Levine?

42. Where is Emma Thompson already?

43. It seems right for George Clooney to use his lifetime achievement award speech to poke fun at Monuments Men.

44. But Clooney talking about Robin Williams and seizing the day is the most emotional part of the night.

45. Aw! It's so cute Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are presenting together!

46. This show was full of great speeches. And then, Ruth Wilson.

47. What the hell is Michael Keaton talking about?

48. OK, fine, that was really sweet.

49. Wes Anderson's "thank you"s are strange, but kind of wonderful.

50. Why is McConaughey talking with a super-sized drawl?

51. Richard Linklater should have dedicated his award to white dudes everywhere.

52. Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won! ::clapping::

53. Meryl has stepped on stage. We can all go home now.

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