51 Tips For Faking Your Way Through The Emmys
Even if you don't watch every show or know who every actor is, here is some commentary to help you fool your fellow viewers on Aug. 25. WARNING: This post is filled entirely with spoilers!
1. If Modern Family wins again, I am going to throw a sock full of locks at my television.
2. Laura Prepon deserves a gold statue just for curling up inside a dryer. Who knew someone that tall could get in that position?
3. Also, who knew there were multiple (and equally literal) definitions of a screwdriver?
4. I still can't believe Tatiana Maslany wasn't nominated.
5. The eighth world wonder is that I don't know a single person who watches The Big Bang Theory, yet it is the most watched show on television.
6. Year after year, I am surprised Mike & Molly exists.
7. But my mom loves Mike & Molly.
8. And who even knew Episodes is still on the air?!
9. What if Seth Meyers came out wearing the ring Frank Underwood buried?
10. You know Kevin Spacey rigged the entire show, right?
11. I wouldn't want to cross him on a subway platform.
12. Nor would I be surprised if Robin Wright had a knife in her purse, just in case someone's back got in her way.
13. I still don't understand the whole China/money laundering storyline from House of Cards.
14. And I still can't get over what happened to Anna this season on Downton Abbey.
15. Bring back Sybil!
16. Let's just give Maggie Smith all of the awards.
17. And Tatiana Maslany, for the love of god!
18. Lady Mary's resting bitchface on Downton deserves its own Emmy.
19. Also, she should talk to Alicia Florrick about drawing up some documents so she doesn't keep getting screwed out of her family money.
20. And can someone tell Alicia it's time to get rid of her BlackBerry already?!
21. I'll never be able to listen to "Wind Beneath My Wings" again. Thanks, Robert and Michelle King.
22. Poor Josh Charles. It's his last chance to win for The Good Wife.
23. And, obviously it won't happen this year, so isn't it crazy that next year is Jon Hamm's final shot to win an Emmy?
24. GUYS, DON DRAPER MAY NEVER WIN AN EMMY!
25. Sorry, but Kerry Washington should win Best Actress for her facial expressions in response to Papa Pope's epic speeches alone.
26. If Claire Danes loses, I could see her pulling out her Sharpie and writing her name over the winner's on the statue.
27. I hope she wins again just so we can see her cry-face.
28. Actually, I am about to make that cry-face thinking about Tatiana Maslany.
29. Mandy Patinkin should get a gold statue just for growing that beard for two seasons. Challah.
30. Bryan Cranston is such a fucking good actor.
31. Let's place our bets for the number of times Aaron Paul will say, "Yeah, bitch" if he wins.
32. I already miss Breaking Bad.
33. And I'll miss Detective Rust Cohle next season on True Detective.
34. And his mustache.
35. And his ponytail.
36. The hardest I've ever cried in my entire life was while watching The Normal Heart.
37. But at least we got to see Riggins on TV again.
38. Jim Parsons was the best actor in that movie, though. That is a fact, not theory.
39. Also, if The Normal Heart loses any of the Emmys it's nominated for, the entire Academy is a bunch of tin men and women.
40. Veep really is the most underrated show on HBO.
41. On TV in general, really.
42. I was not into Girls this season, but the episode at the beach house really turned things around. Because a choreographed dance saves everything.
43. What they need to do next year is have Ellen DeGeneres host and Kate McKinnon can just fill in for her when she needs to take a bathroom break.
44. I can see Lena Headey giving her Cersei stare if she loses to Diana Rigg.
45. Ugh, this show is so long. By the time it's over, Winter will have come and gone.
46. Obviously, Janis Ian isn't going to win, but it's so nice that she's nominated.
47. I can't believe they won't give Mindy Kaling an Emmy, let alone a nomination!
48. AND I still can't believe they made her read all of the nominations, only to never see her name.
49. Best Supporting Actor in a Drama is such a strong category this year.
50. And Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie is like the Battle of the Oscar Winners.
51. Seriously though, still upset about Tatiana Maslany!