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Ranking All The U.S. Presidents By Their Hairstyles

Happy Presidents' Day!

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42. John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams, Southworth & Hawes, 1850 of original from 1843 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Soft cat hair.

Shape: The side parts of an oval.

Overall Score: 2.5

Cheek hair is so much cooler than regular hair.

41. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Dwight D. Eisenhower, 29 May 1959, White House / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Dusty-ish? Like actual dust, maybe?

Shape: What is the shape of a nose hair?

Overall Score: 2.6

The name Dwight > hair


39. Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren, circa 1855-1858, Mathew Brady / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: A wool coat.

Shape: Floating clouds or bundles of cotton.

Overall Score: 2.5

If my hair only grew on the sides of my face, I would definitely brush it straight out as well.

38. William McKinley

William McKinley, copyright 1896, Courtney Art Studio / Wikimedia Commons

Texture: A bamboo rug.

Shape: Martin Scorcese's right eyebrow.

Overall Score: 3

His practical approach was quite refreshing: A douse or two or three of water and you're good to go!

37. Lyndon B. Johnson

Lyndon B. Johnson, 10 March 1964, Arnold Newman / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Wet soil.

Shape: The letter "C" turned sideways.

Overall Score: 3.2

It's like he took a shower, then let it air dry. Genius.

36. Chester Arthur

Chester Arthur, 1882, Charles Milton Bell 1849–1893 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Iron wool.

Shape: Like a necklace for his face.

Overall Score: 3.5

His hair is literally connected at all ends, it flows like a river.


32. Grover Cleveland

Hon. Grover Cleveland, August 9, 1892 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Toothbrush.

Shape: A goatee on his forehead.

Overall Score: 4.2

It's nice that he spent equal amounts of time on all three patches of hair.


30. Andrew Johnson

Andrew Johnson, circa 1870-1880, Mathew Brady / Wikimedia Commons

Texture: Robin William's arm hair.

Shape: Hipster beanie.

Overall Score: 4.5

What he lacked in shape, he made up for in volume.

29. Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford, 27 August 1974, David Hume Kennerly / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Hairbrush bristles.

Shape: Porcupine.

Overall Score: 4.6

Hey, he played the cards he was dealt and he played them well.


27. James A. Garfield

Pres. James Garfield, Picture taken circa 1870–1880 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: A broomstick.

Shape: All the houses in the Shire.

Overall Score: 5.1

His salt n' pepper crumb catcher has been setting trends since 1881, fools.

25. William Howard Taft

William Howard Taft, 11 March 1909, Library of Congress / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Back hair.

Shape: Sleep mask.

Overall Score: 5.4

You just cannot compete with his handlebar 'stache and his middle-parted hair.

24. Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton, 1 January 1993, Bob McNeely / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: A towel.

Shape: Sloth-like.

Overall Score: 5.3

Bill's hair literally does all the work for him. It grows upward with strength and stamina.


22. Millard Filmore

Millard Fillmore / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Fake plant.

Shape: Tablecloth.

Overall Score: 5.5

He gets high marks for creating a completely original hairstyle. It's like half-circle, half-square.

21. Herbert Hoover

Herbert Hoover, circa 1928, Underwood & Underwood / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Crumpled up silk.

Shape: Bottle cap.

Overall Score: 5.2

Seems to be the most popular 'do. If Herbert Hoover's hair had a twitter it would be trending right now.


18. Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon, circa 1973, White House / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Pug's hair.

Shape: Tom Selleck's mustache.

Overall Score: 5.5

Yes, we noticed the pattern. Everyone loves some good hair gel.

17. Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter, Department of Defense / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: If you gathered all the hair on a salon floor and then touched it.

Shape: The side of a hawk.

Overall Score: 5.6

Except for this guy! Kept it au naturale.

16. Harry S. Truman

Harry Truman, circa 1945, Frank Gatteri / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Oil painting.

Shape: Caterpillar.

Overall Score: 5.6

He looks like a picturesque president with his pocket square and his delightful little glasses.


15. Ulysses Grant

Pres. http://U.S. Grant, between 1870 and 1880, Brady-Handy Photograph Collection / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Carpet.

Shape: A garden before the vegetables have grown.

Overall Score: 5.7

An all-around solid look. I feel like this is what Justin Timberlake might look like when he's good and ripened.

14. Zachary Taylor

Zachary Taylor, circa 1850 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Old noodles.

Shape: Birds nest with bird in it.

Overall Score: 5.8

I like that he probably just rolled out of bed that morning and was like "What's up, I'm the President, bitches."

13. Rutherford B. Hayes

Rutherford B. Hayes, Circa 1870-1880 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Kale.

Shape: A cartoon nose.

Overall Score: 6

He could've totally chewed gum in class and would've gotten away with it. That beard could win prizes these days.


8. Benjamin Harrison

Benjamin Harrison,1886, Adam Cuerden // restoration, Pach Brothers / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: A doily.

Shape: Bikini top.

Overall Score: 7.5

I'm biased, he reminds me of that adorable old man who made Jurassic Park from that mosquito stick.


6. Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan, 8 Apr 1983 / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Hairspray.

Shape: Queen Amidala's hat.

Overall Score: 8

The whole thing just works. It's structured. It's tidy. It's like a royal crown but made out of hair.

4. Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln, 8 November 1863, Alexander Gardner / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Hair that hasn't been washed in two days.

Shape: Umbrella.

Overall Score: 8.5

This man was for sure one of those babies who was born with an absurd amount of hair. Just with like, an abundance of hair follicles.


3. Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson, 15 April 1845, Edward Anthony / Wikimedia Commons / Via

Texture: Polar fleece.

Shape: Carrot.

Overall Score: 9.2

No amount of mousse on this planet could make my hair that voluminious.