Texture: The best straw in the land.

Shape: Snowy mountain top.

Overall Score: 2

Interesting form. Fantastic muttonchops.

Texture: Soft cat hair.

Shape: The side parts of an oval.

Overall Score: 2.5

Cheek hair is so much cooler than regular hair.

Texture: Dusty-ish? Like actual dust, maybe?

Shape: What is the shape of a nose hair?

Overall Score: 2.6

The name Dwight > hair

Texture: Baby's hair.

Shape: Like a yamaka, perhaps?

Overall Score: 2.8

This is a seriously serious hairstyle.

Texture: A wool coat.

Shape: Floating clouds or bundles of cotton.

Overall Score: 2.5

If my hair only grew on the sides of my face, I would definitely brush it straight out as well.

Texture: A bamboo rug.

Shape: Martin Scorcese's right eyebrow.

Overall Score: 3

His practical approach was quite refreshing: A douse or two or three of water and you're good to go!

Texture: Wet soil.

Shape: The letter "C" turned sideways.

Overall Score: 3.2

It's like he took a shower, then let it air dry. Genius.

Texture: Iron wool.

Shape: Like a necklace for his face.

Overall Score: 3.5

His hair is literally connected at all ends, it flows like a river.

Texture: Feathers

Shape: Skirt

Overall Score: 3.6

You know Teddy trimmed his own bangs.

Texture: The inside of an Ugg boot.

Shape: The top of his head.

Overall Score: 3.8

No time to style when you're running a country.

Texture: Cow's fur

Shape: The edge of a penny.

Overall Score: 4

His brows were certainly something to envy.

Texture: Toothbrush.

Shape: A goatee on his forehead.

Overall Score: 4.2

It's nice that he spent equal amounts of time on all three patches of hair.

Texture: Suede.

Shape: A desert plateau.

Overall Score: 4.4

Calvin was a classy chap, indeed.

Texture: Robin William's arm hair.

Shape: Hipster beanie.

Overall Score: 4.5

What he lacked in shape, he made up for in volume.

Texture: Hairbrush bristles.

Shape: Porcupine.

Overall Score: 4.6

Hey, he played the cards he was dealt and he played them well.

Texture: Whipped cream.

Shape: Victorian lady's collar.

Overall Score: 5

How does one achieve such ample heights?

Texture: A broomstick.

Shape: All the houses in the Shire.

Overall Score: 5.1

His salt n' pepper crumb catcher has been setting trends since 1881, fools.

Texture: Squirrel's tail.

Shape: Mushroom.

Overall Score: 5.2

If you want to be taken more seriously, pair a Founding Father's wig with some lace. End of story.

Texture: Back hair.

Shape: Sleep mask.

Overall Score: 5.4

You just cannot compete with his handlebar 'stache and his middle-parted hair.

Texture: A towel.

Shape: Sloth-like.

Overall Score: 5.3

Bill's hair literally does all the work for him. It grows upward with strength and stamina.

Texture: Bean paste.

Shape: A coonskin cap.

Overall Score: 5.4

Only a badass could pull off a receding hairline AND a mullet.

Texture: Fake plant.

Shape: Tablecloth.

Overall Score: 5.5

He gets high marks for creating a completely original hairstyle. It's like half-circle, half-square.

Texture: Crumpled up silk.

Shape: Bottle cap.

Overall Score: 5.2

Seems to be the most popular 'do. If Herbert Hoover's hair had a twitter it would be trending right now.

Texture: Yarn.

Shape: A pile of dirty laundry.

Overall Score: 5.3

Only the finest goat and horse hair for this man!

Texture: 6-day-old leg hair.

Shape: Small forest.

Overall Score: 5.4

Cool Guy Stan.

Texture: Pug's hair.

Shape: Tom Selleck's mustache.

Overall Score: 5.5

Yes, we noticed the pattern. Everyone loves some good hair gel.

Texture: If you gathered all the hair on a salon floor and then touched it.

Shape: The side of a hawk.

Overall Score: 5.6

Except for this guy! Kept it au naturale.

Texture: Oil painting.

Shape: Caterpillar.

Overall Score: 5.6

He looks like a picturesque president with his pocket square and his delightful little glasses.

Texture: Carpet.

Shape: A garden before the vegetables have grown.

Overall Score: 5.7

An all-around solid look. I feel like this is what Justin Timberlake might look like when he's good and ripened.

Texture: Old noodles.

Shape: Birds nest with bird in it.

Overall Score: 5.8

I like that he probably just rolled out of bed that morning and was like "What's up, I'm the President, bitches."

Texture: Kale.

Shape: A cartoon nose.

Overall Score: 6

He could've totally chewed gum in class and would've gotten away with it. That beard could win prizes these days.

Texture: Sheets.

Shape: The bottom of a thimble.

Overall Score: 6.3

His hair looks like a sweet grandpa's.

Texture: Teddy bear.

Shape: Upper half of the Earth.

Overall Score: 6.5

The most sophisticated buzz cut this world has ever seen.

Texture: Real fur coat.

Shape: Leaves.

Overall Score: 6.7

It's like 50 Shades of Grey hair color.

Texture: Dandelion seeds.

Shape: A flame.

Overall Score: 7

He's like the original Harry Styles, but fancier.

Texture: A doily.

Shape: Bikini top.

Overall Score: 7.5

I'm biased, he reminds me of that adorable old man who made Jurassic Park from that mosquito stick.

Texture: Tumbleweed.

Shape: Waves.

Overall Score: 7.5

'Tis the definition of a coiff.

Texture: Hairspray.

Shape: Queen Amidala's hat.

Overall Score: 8

The whole thing just works. It's structured. It's tidy. It's like a royal crown but made out of hair.

Texture: Bruce Jenner's hair.

Shape: Pipe.

Overall Score: 8.4

Who doesn't love a man who can rock a good pony?

Texture: Hair that hasn't been washed in two days.

Shape: Umbrella.

Overall Score: 8.5

This man was for sure one of those babies who was born with an absurd amount of hair. Just with like, an abundance of hair follicles.

Texture: Polar fleece.

Shape: Carrot.

Overall Score: 9.2

No amount of mousse on this planet could make my hair that voluminious.

Texture: Finely-knitted sweater.

Shape: Tree.

Overall Score: 9.9

This dude knew how to work a perm, am I right or am I right?

Texture: Perfect.

Shape: Perfect.

Overall Score: Perfect.

Best hair of all-time.