Stefon From SNL’s Weekend Update Discusses His Trip To Rome

Stefon didn’t leave Saturday Night Live, he just took a break so that he could investigate other hot spots for family fun around the world. He’s back and ready to report on the first of his many discoveries with Seth Meyers.

Hi Stefon. So I hear you’ve recently been to Rome? Our viewers are looking to hear about some things you can do there that will be fun for their families.

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. If you’re looking to have a Roman adventure with your family, I’ve got the perfect place for you.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

Rome’s hottest club is the Vatican. Surrounded by a hideous old wall, this place has everything: dirty toilets without seats, old statues without penises, a trippy journey to the top of St. Peter’s dome, and a mass of people doing the Sistine Shuffle. So come on down. The lines only take three days to get through and you can enjoy getting thoroughly soaked by God’s tears as you stand outside and wait to get in.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

Wow, Stefon. That sounds like a great time, but your description has me a little confused. Just to start, maybe, what’s a penis-less statue?

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

It’s that thing, of when, in the past few centuries, a bunch of curmudgeonly old popes got offended by the appendages on the naked Roman statues in the Vatican museum, so they went around and chopped them all off.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

Right. Okay, well we’re looking for something that everyone in the family will enjoy. Museums might not be everyone’s favorite thing. What about the Sistine Shuffle… can you elaborate on that?

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

I can, Seth. The Sistine Shuffle is one of Rome’s proudest traditions. Popularized by the thousands of tourists who visit the Sistine Chapel every day, the Sistine Shuffle is that thing of when you mash up against lots of strangers and inadvertently feel them up, but you never actually see their face because everyone keeps their heads tilted back to see the ceiling. The dance is performed under the watchful eyes and rhythmic chanting of the Sistine guards…

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

“No photos! No photos! No no no photos!”

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

Riiight. Okay, well that sounds great, Stefon. What about something a little more exciting for families with children, though? You mentioned something about the dome - that could be fun for kids.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

I did Seth, I did. If you like domes or have a child, then climbing the dome of St. Peter’s Basilica is the activity for you. It’s perfect for children, especially those who need to get over a fear of heights or tight spaces. All you have to do is climb over 500 steps, wind up a dizzying spiral staircase that will make you feel as though you’ve taken an illicit substance, then squeeze through a narrow and freakishly slanting hall that was built for people who weigh 1 pound or less, and finally, crawl up through a little hole onto the roof.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

I’m still not sure that this is what the people at home are looking for, Stefon. That sounds like it might be a little scary for small children, actually. Let’s move on from the Vatican - did you visit anywhere else that kids would enjoy?

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

Yes, yes yes yes, Seth. Okay. Alright. If you’re looking for something the whole family will love - something that small children will not be frightened by - look no further. The Capuchin Crypts are the place for you. It has everything you could ever ask for in a crypt, like hundreds of femurs stacked against the wall in an orderly manner and vertebrae fashioned into light fixtures. It’s perfect for families because all of the skulls are smiling at you, which makes for a family friendly atmosphere.

Saturday Night Live / Via youtube.com

I think I’ll stop you there, Stefon. Great job. I think families will clamor at the chance to see thousands of monk bones and drag their kids up 500 steps. I can’t wait to see what you have for next week!

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