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75 Thoughts Everyone Who Lives In London Has Had

FFS STAND ON THE RIGHT.

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1. Finding a place to live should be easy – London's massive!

2. I would like a spacious flat with good transport links please, estate agent.

3. You have one? Excellent, I will come and view it tonight.

4. Hello estate agent, why are we in zone 5?

5. And why are we at least 15 minutes away from a bus stop?

6. Also, why does this flat look like a former prison?

7. Also, where are the windows?

8. Also, that's not a bed, that's a mattress on the floor.

9. I suppose I have no other options and five other people are also interested. I'll take it.

10. Oh, you charge £5,000 in estate agent fees?

11. And want a deposit and six weeks' rent?

12. Here you go, then, take all my money. Literally, take it all.

13. You've just bought a flat? You mean your parents have bought you a flat, yes?

14. Well, maybe if I save a bit of money each month I can put it towards a deposit on a house one day.

15. OK, maybe a flat.

16. OK, maybe a room in a flat.

17. OK FINE, I'll never be able to afford any property, ever.

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18. My commute isn't too bad. And by that I mean that it crushes my soul each waking day.

19. Oh, ANOTHER signal failure?

20. So I'll just be 20 minutes late for work today?

21. Just move down the carriage, you utter dick.

22. Oh, that's nice, your bag gets its own seat. It's fine, I'll stand.

23. Please, put your armpit more in my face.

24. Please, continue to sneeze on my head.

25. Or use my head as an arm rest, that's fine too.

26. There is literally no room on this train.

27. Do not try to get on.

28. The doors are shutting, what are you doing?

29. YOU ARE STUCK IN THE DOOR.

30. YOUR HEAD IS LITERALLY STUCK IN THE DOOR.

31. Was it worth it? WAS IT?

32. Oh god, is she pregnant?

33. Or...not?

34. Pregnant or not, pregnant or not, pregnant or not?

35. Should I offer her my seat?

36. Or pretend to be asleep?

37. I'll offer her my seat.

38. Nope. Not pregnant.

39. Haha, no, pressing the button won't open the door, but I'll silently laugh at you.

40. For the love of god, STAND ON THE RIGHT.

41. Next tube in FIVE FUCKING MINUTES ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING.

42. Oh hey, Emirates Air Line, you're still pointless.

43. I'm at the front of the DLR and I'm pretending to drive it and it's the happiest I've ever been in my whole life.

44. Lol, Cockfosters.

45. Rail replacement bus service? Fuck my actual life.

46. There's a good service on all London Underground lines, is there? I'm confused at how you're defining "good".

47. Go on, by all means, continue to read your newspaper as you change lines.

48. Please, DO walk slower.

49. Fuck you, TfL. Fuck all of you.

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50. Finding a relationship in this city will be easy. There's like, literally millions of people here.

51. Maybe I should join Tinder.

52. *Swipes left, swipes left, swipes left, swipes left, swipes left, swipes left.*

53. Ooh, hello. *Swipes right.*

54. Let's go on a date? And by date I mean let's get absolutely wankered until it's not awkward any more.

55. Why am I still in work? It's night-time.

56. Although London, you're pretty at night-time.

57. Pay day! I have all the money!

58. Rent paid. Bills paid. Food bought. Drinks consumed. LOL, what's money again?

59. Drink? It's Monday. Yes, because I want to celebrate Monday being over.

60. Drink? It's Tuesday. Yes, because I'm depressed that it's Tuesday.

61. Drink? It's Wednesday. Yes, because hump day. And also because I just said "hump day".

62. Drink? It's Thursday. Yes, because it's nearly Friday.

63. Drink? FUCK YES, IT'S FRIDAY.

64. Yes! Free table in the pub on Friday! Life could not be any better right now.

65. A party on Saturday you say? Whereabouts? Wimbledon? Fuck that. Too far.

66. Why why why why why am I in Infernos again?

67. Why why why why why am I on the nightbus again?

68. A new pop-up restaurant has opened? Great, how many years will we have to queue for?

69. Angus Steakhouse? In Leicester Square? I'm judging you so hard.

70. You're asking me how I am and I'm really not OK but I know telling you that is not the London way. So I'M FINE!

71. You're asking me about my weekend plans and now I feel under pressure to say something cool when actually I just want to sleep.

72. No, I don't want to go Christmas shopping on Oxford Street.

73. In fact, I don't want to do any kind of shopping, ever, on Oxford Street.

74. In fact, let's just never go to Oxford Street, because I won't be held accountable for my actions if we do.

75. Leave London? Are you joking? NEVER.