This Women Thinks Her Daughter-In-Law Shouldn't Be Upset That She's Not Invited To Emergency Family Meetings — And Now She Wants To Know If She's In The Wrong

    "I told her that her feelings aren't my problem."

    I may not be married, but I'm 99.9% sure that if I was, I'd want my partner to be included in my immediate family.

    I didn't think this was necessarily a hot take until I stumbled upon this thread in the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit, where a woman told her daughter-in-law that she has no right to complain about not being invited to serious, family discussions. Here's what went down:

    BTW: Am I The Asshole is a discussion page on Reddit where users ask for advice on whether or not they are the asshole in the situation.

    "The family has a code word that means to meet up at my home because there is bad news, an emergency family meeting. This is something that is extremely rare and it means to drop what you are doing and get over as soon as possible."

    Woman embracing a man in an indoor setting, two others converse in the background

    "It is only an invite for the kids, no in-laws are invited. This was discussed and agreed upon by everyone. This was due to everyone being most comfortable with sharing bad news with their siblings and not having to be polite with the in-laws."

    No Entry sign on a stanchion with retractable belts at a queuing area

    "For example, my daughter used the code word as she was getting a divorce and needed help. After, everyone fills in their spouses – but not all the gritty details."

    Squidward talking to SpongeBob who looks surprised, a scene from SpongeBob SquarePants show

    "This happened today, an emergency meeting was called by my husband. In short he needs surgery, I won’t go into more than that. Everyone left and I got a call from my daughter-in-law upset that she wasn’t invited to the meeting."

    Homer Simpson on the phone with a serious expression, indoors

    "I asked if she knew what these were and she told me my son explained it. She reiterated that she should still be invited and I am excluding her, that she is upset and expects an invite next time."

    Man in a suit with a forced smile in an office setting

    "I told her that her feelings aren't my problem, and for fuck's sake you don’t need to be invited to everything. She called me a jerk."

    Meme of two panels with cartoon man in yellow shirt, one panel with hand on face, the other covering his mouth

    "My son told me he will deal with it but I could have been nicer."

    Homer Simpson peeking through a green hedge

    It's no surprise that people had a lot to say...

    Most people decided that OP (original poster) is the A-hole:

    "This is so depressing. You don't consider your kid's spouses as family. I feel sorry for you. You sound very angry and bitter." 


    "IKR? The whole family with their codewords and excluding spouses. They sound exhausting. So much needless drama."  


    "This family sounds overdramatic. You really have to call an emergency-drop everything meeting with the whole nuclear family to tell them that you, a full grown adult, is getting a divorce or needs surgery? These are called normal life issues and they are not emergencies. Most people just make a couple of phone calls and everyone else knows within a couple of weeks. Definitely some main character energy in this family, especially with the secret 'family meeting' code." 


    As in, they really had a lot of thoughts...

    "Also, as an in-law who would be excluded, if my husband had to suddenly drop everything and go with no context, especially if we were doing something else, and he came home to telling me his sister was getting a divorce, I'd be understandably livid?"


    "This is very weird. You have an enmeshed relationship with your bio family. In-laws are family too. Gee, I wonder why divorces are happening? (And yes, there will be more divorces to follow if your toxic weird family can't learn how to BE A FAMILY.)"


    "YTA. These people have married INTO your family. What a shitty thing to do. Even if there are emergencies and bad news, you’re all supposed to be family. If my own parents pulled this on my husband they’d get told to ‘fuck off, your feelings aren’t my problem.’"


    But some thought that OP actually wasn't the A-hole this time around...

    "Why is it depressing for people to only want to share their worst moments with the people who are close to them? 

    I have many siblings. I'm close to some of their spouses, others I'm not. When my marriage fell apart, I told my close family first. The people who I can sob in front of, the people I trust deeply to support me in my pain. I don't think any of my sister-in-laws or brother-in-laws are untrustworthy and they are still family, but there are degrees of family. Most of them I'd put on the same level as my cousins – people I like and get to see at holidays, but not folks who need a front row seat when my life turns into a tragedy. 

    What's depressing is how many people in these comments seem to think that marrying someone makes you entitled to violate the privacy of their relatives. It's not like the daughter-in-law wasn't invited to a party or family dinner."


    "NTA. The fact the my brother loves & married his wife, means that I need to be civil and loving. It does not means, in any way, that once they are married, it is automatically in my close circle of trust. My brother chose her to be his wife, not me."


    "NTA. I’m not as comfortable around my sister’s husband as I am around her. I never will be. It doesn’t matter that I like him and accept him as part of the family - I will never have the same relationship with my BIL as I have with my siblings.

    I would not feel comfortable explaining deeply personal and painful events in my life with him there. You’re letting your family have a safe space where they can feel completely comfortable."


    "I don't understand all the YTA votes. If my mother-in-law and father-in-law had a health matter they wanted to discuss with their kids first, I wouldn't feel excluded. Making it about you (as daughter-in-law is doing ) is incredibly self-centred. NTA and all the best to your husband."


    My take? Look, families are complicated, and as individuals we all have our close circle where we feel comfortable sharing our problems and vulnerable situations. I get not having your in-laws present for absolutely everything, but the code word and being expected to drop everything *immediately* for a family meeting is a lil' too intense for me.

    What are your thoughts? Take the poll below and let us know what you think in the comments!

    Note: All submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.