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1. A fantastic indoor/outdoor sticker, because today's kids will never understand.
2. An estate-planning journal that lets you get all your affairs in order in the event of...well, you know...so they don't have to worry about it.
3. An adjustable back stretcher and lumbar support device capable of providing you with some serious relief from your back pain — yes, we have that now. It works by helping you get a safe and gentle back stretch through one of its four settings.
4. A legendary Total Request Live T-shirt — fun fact, when I was 16 my mom and I came to New York on a fun-filled trip and I made that poor woman stand outside of the TRL studio in Times Square for nearly four hours as I held a giant Backstreet Boy poster for Carson Daly to see. No, the Backstreet Boys were not there and yes, it was mid-August and 8,000 degrees outside. (I will never do this for my children.)
5. A roll-on Migrastil Migraine Stick made with a combination of essential oils that can help soothe away the pains and symptoms caused by headaches — everyday, annoying headaches that literally everyone causes you.
6. A very handy dishwasher magnet, because if I accidentally eat off of another dirty dish I'm gonna ring the alarm and I'm throwin' elbows.
7. And now, if you're in a position in life where you actually have a functioning dishwasher, keep it that way with Affresh dishwasher cleaner tablets — just throw them in and they'll penetrate, dissolve, and remove any odor-causing residue or lime and mineral build-up. Maintenance folks, it's part of adulthood, who knew.
8. A jar of collagen filled Maryann Organics Day & Night Anti-Aging Cream formulated with hyaluronic acid and vitamin C to help cleanse, moisturize, and protect your skin.
9. A Super NES Classic Edition console fully loaded with 21 games — including Super Mario Kart and Street Fighter II Turbo: Hyper Fighting — so you can get back to your playing days.
10. A set of Blink-182 outlet stickers, because the last time you accidentally shocked yourself you walked away saying, "What's my age again?"
11. A comfortable, adjustable, and easy-to-use posture corrector designed to help with your back's alignment and stability. In time, it develops your back's muscle memory which will then hold your back straight even without it. It's also discreet enough to wear under your shirt or blouse.
12. A TubShroom, because apparently becoming an adult means having to deal with clogged bathtub drains caused by your very own constant shedding.
13. A jam-packed cookbook filled with the recipes you've always wanted to try but never wanted to share, because you don't share food.
14. A pair of stretchy socks to help you memorialize the greatest duo to ever don Canadian tuxedos.
15. A super effective Zombie Pack — a 15-minute face mask that'll help reduce fine lines and wrinkles, visibly lift up the skin, clear small breakouts, tighten enlarged pores, hydrate skin, improve texture by gently removing dead cells, and brighten your complexion.
16. A pack of bedsheet suspenders so you can keep those pesky bed corners covered — yes, this is what bothers you now. You've officially become your parents.
17. A super comfortable crewneck T-shirt, because are you original? (Yeah.) Are you the only one? (Yeah.) Are you sexual? (Yeah.) Are you everything you need? You better rock your body now... in this T-shirt.
18. An enamel pin of your ride or die, your homie 'till the end, your BFF, your one and only. Zuckerburg could never.
19. A pack of facial and eyebrow razors that'll help shape your eyebrows, smooth your skin, and remove those stray and fine hairs that have started popping up everywhere.
20. A three-speed, eight-feature, deep-kneading shiatsu massager perfect for your back, legs, feet, head, and shoulders, knees, and toes...knees and toes.
21. A gorgeously romantic card to send to the one person you'd have made space for on your frozen floating piece of wood in the middle of the ocean — and we all know they both could have fit!
22. A handmade Ghostwriter TV show pin back button — arguably the best TV show ever created. Also, I still love you Alex!
23. An awesome little handheld milk frother that'll up your at-home coffee game to the level of luxury you've come to expect in life but can't seem to afford — it can basically froth up any milky drink (even those with dairy alternatives)!
24. A Squatty Potty that'll position you in a way that makes your poop pass through more comfortably! 💩
25. A pack of collagen-infused eye masks to help combat your lack-of-sleep look and any other general under-eye puffiness that tends to add to your bad day.
26. A silicone Motorola AirPods Pro Case — just because technology has advanced doesn't mean you're gonna forget the devices that got you to where you are today.
27. A perfectly fitting Moesha T-shirt because if Mo to the, E to the... wasn't the soundtrack of your Tuesday (and then Monday) nights, leave. Go. Bye. I said this post was only for people in their thirties.
28. A box of Compound W One Step Pads, a salicylic acid wart remover capable of breaking down and getting rid of any wart — you know, the witches in my childhood stories always had worts and, honestly, I'm starting to think they weren't so bad. It was probably just 'cause they were in their thirties and life was catching up with them.
29. A super comfortable and adjustable head and neck hammock designed to hang from your doorknob or wall and works by lightly stretching your neck helping to reduce stiffness and relieve pain — it's especially great for anyone who looks down at their computer or phone all day.
30. A set of cool and silky pillowcases with one side designed in a state-of-the-art Japanese cooling fabric and the other side in 100% breathable cotton — basically, they'll always know which is the cool side of the pillow.
31. A freakin' Jonathan Taylor Thomas cross-stitch pattern you can download right this second. Fun fact, I once read in Tiger Beat that JTT was a vegetarian and so I became a vegetarian...FOR FIVE YEARS. I really believed it would improve my chances to marry him. It. Did. Not.
32. A freakin' awesome laptop skin designed with all your favorite childhood characters including Jeff, Jodie, Sam, and Muffy Mouse from Today's Special!
33. A very handy Instant Pot Magnetic Cheat Sheet Set filled with so much useful information — like, cooking times and liquid ratios — so you can make your favorite Instant Pot recipes even easier than before.
34. A pack of organic and recyclable ethylene-absorbing BluApple packets to absorb the gases in your fridge that cause fruits and veggies to go bad.
35. A sexy little ceramic mug, because your coffee is too bootylicious for any other mug.
36. A set of wonderful laminated stickers to remind you of simpler times.
37. A pair of copper-infused arch supports for dealing with swelling and giving you an increase in circulation, while also helping with arch and heel issues by lifting the plantar fascia tissue.
38. A stainless-steel Skin Spatula which helps you deal with your decades of skin woes by using high-frequency vibration to clean blackheads, whiteheads, grease, and dead skin — just make sure and use it on wet skin.
39. I submit for your approval a roasted pumpkin, allspice, and citron candle with notes of Guaiac wood, star anise, applewood, charred firewood, black amber, and myrrh.
40. A cozy sweatshirt to comfortably wear while you explore the supernatural.
41. A very comfy stability cushion designed to fit on top of any chair and help you improve your posture.
42. An adjustable multi-compartment lid organizer because there comes a time in every person's life where you realize what your priorities are and they almost certainly include organizing your cabinets.
43. A pretty awesome T-shirt that'll really convince you to not do drugs. LOL! No, but seriously, does anyone know what D.A.R.E. stands for because I totally forget.
44. A roomy ceramic cup version of your to-do list — look, you may be older but your love for Leo will never age.
45. A smooth mulberry silk eye mask complete with a gel bead insert that can be stored in the fridge and then used to give you a generous cool feeling — plus, it might just help with those puffy eyes.
46. A relaxing silk pillowcase so you can sleep in the cool lap of luxury — a luxury that just so happens to be totally hypoallergenic, helps retain hair moisture and reduce frizziness, stays cool, and is recommended by dermatologists to minimize fine lines.
47. A terracotta succulent planter so you can finally keep a plant alive — it's astonishing that it's taken you three+ decades to do it, but I believe in you.
I'd tell you let's all jump for joy because we're in our thirties, but my back hurts.
