Zoë Burnett / BuzzFeed We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales from the links on this page. 1. A paper doll that'll answer the age old question of, "What should I wear?" amazon.com Promising Review: "At first we thought this may be blasphemous, but after talking, we decided it was a cute way to add a little Jesus into our son's playtime. And we figured that Jesus could live in the hearts of all these different types of people in which the 'costumes' are portraying." —meghanGet it on Amazon for $15. 2. A pouch for your pizza because it's the only handbag you really need. amazon.com Promising Review: "In daycare my mom had to tie bright, colorful toys to my pigtails to get the other kids to play with me. In kindergarten the teacher bribed fellow students with chocolate milk. In elementary school the teachers put me in classes with a group of students that they thought were more like me. In junior high the teachers weren't sympathetic to the issue. In high school I had already learned to accept that no one liked me. Now as an adult I have become a friendless shut-in. I leave the house long enough to go to work where my coworkers ignore me. The neighbors hide behind their bushes when they see me. The kids run screaming. Well, that was, until now! Now that I have this Portable Pizza Pouch I can't get rid of my new friends. Every morning I get up and slip a pizza into the pouch and wrap it around my neck. Life couldn't be any easier. I finally have followers on all my social media accounts. I have been invited to join book clubs! I even have a BFF for the first time ever! The dog even wants to be my friend! Also, the pizza aroma covers up my natural body odor.Caution: Do not heat pizza pouch in oven or microwave. Do not wash in the dishwasher, either." —Silvr Craze Get it on Amazon for $9. 3. A golden penis trophy 'cause maybe there's a Richard in your life that needs to be rewarded. amazon.com Promising Review: "It's a 4.25" golden cock. Good girth for the length. Ribbon adds a nice layer of freedom. Made a great last-minute gift for Grandma." —Amazon CustomerGet it on Amazon for $4. 4. A shower curtain that is really a metaphor for the human condition. amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "Oh dear Lord this thing is epic. Yes, it's a pixelated picture. Yes, you really kinda need a plastic curtain behind it so you don't soak the curtain through. Yes, the plastic rings that come with it aren't the prettiest. But none of that matters once it's up and hanging. This curtain will inspire you. Maybe you connect with the unicorn. Maybe you connect with the cat ninja. But my God it's so majestic." —neo_stylesGet it on Amazon for $16. 5. A bag of glitter for when you're a man but also totally f#@king whimsical. amazon.com Promising Review: "My boring brother asked for a gift card to a hardware store for Christmas. This was the perfect gag gift to make his gift card fun." —christine tGet it on Amazon for $3. 6. An action figure so you can finally have a toy that's a true representation of who you are. amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "This made an ADORABLE cake topper! My daughter loves cats so I went with a 'crazy cat lady' theme for her 14th birthday party sleepover. Considering I had about an hour to assemble the cake because of time constraints, I think it turned out really cute. It was an ice cream cake which made it even more fun." —Heather B Get it on Amazon for $12. 7. A Nicolas Cage pillow case that'll always be able to seduce you. (It's those bedroom eyes, they get me every time.) amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "To see it in person, it is truly scary and funny at the same time. Ol' Nicholas looking at you with bedroom eyes, all scary naked on top, with leopard sheets. It is divine!!" —Sirena Get it on Amazon for $9. 8. A unicorn horn because they do exist, damn it! And if you have to prove it by turning your pet into a one, then you will! amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "So the package said ages 3 and up. Is that for the human or the pet? 😆 Thankfully both, in this case, were over 3!" —Ellen Williams Get it on Amazon for $6. 9. A card for your S.O. that lets them know just how pure your love is. amazon.com Promising Review: "The FBI seems to be monitoring sales of this card. Make sure you use an untraceable account and P.O. box. I'd give more details, but I have to head back to my cell now." —Chris A CrawfordGet it on Amazon for $4+. (Available in regular and jumbo sizes.) 10. Some hand sanitizer for when you've gotta shake hands with a dude...I mean, you damn well know where their hands have been. amazon.com Promising Review: "I touch my genitals all the time. All. The. Time. But, I use this hand cleaner very regularly, which gives my business associates the confidence they need when we make deals and shake hands. Maybe I touched my genitals, but my hands are clean!" —Steven MalinGet it on Amazon for $6. 11. A breathe spray that'll teach you a new language. amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "My life is so enriched by being able to converse with my cats and hear their insights about life. This is better than the years of psychotherapy, medications, and ECT I've had!" —hmcnallyGet it on Amazon for $6. 12. An emergency bowtie for when you're James Bonding it for the night but forgot your accessories. amazon.com Promising Review: "This sat in my car's glove compartment for almost two years. Still, I knew that one day I'd need it. Last weekend, that day finally came. I found myself at an Easter brunch, underdressed in comparison to the rest of my friends. I announced to my friends that I would return in a moment, dressed for the occasion. I ran to my car and grabbed it. I was able to attach it to my T-shirt, it just took a little bit of work. Presto! I was ready to go." —John CrossGet it on Amazon for $8. 13. A fork that'll go to the far reaches of another person's plate so you can enjoy their meal too. amazon.com Promising Review: "My daughter wanted this after seeing Alton Brown's on Good Eats. It is sturdier than the descriptions of other models led me to anticipate. It has held up to regular use as a pointer and a fork." —Michael D-CGet it on Amazon for $9. 14. Some bacon-flavored toothpaste you'll use and then rinse with a glass of orange juice. amazon.com Promising Review: "Everyone loves bacon!" —Kindle CustomerGet it on Amazon for $9 and check out bacon flavored floss here. 15. A rubber tree you probably won't kill, but based on how lucky you've been this year...who really knows. amazon.com Promising Review: "Great gift for a young whippersnapper. Would like to add that it is small but that's ok." —ETHEL LAMBORNGet it on Amazon for $5. 16. A burrito blanket because your only true dream is to be snuggled like your favorite food. amazon.com Promising Review: "This is my second burrito blanket. It's so soft and comfy. I had to buy another for my 5 year-old son so he wouldn't steal mine!" —Leslie E.Get it on Amazon for $35. 17. A toothbrush for that uncle who wouldn't shut up about the election this Christmas. amazon.com Promising Review: "Good product, great gift." —MikeGet the set on Amazon for $7. 18. A Grilled Cheesus because there is no better way to ask for forgiveness of your sins than with the golden halo of melted cheese. amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "I love a grilled cheese. I love a grilled ham and cheese even more. Stick my favorite homeboy on it and I am in love! I am sure this is approved from the Lord above. You'll see the light when your sandwich is ready, but let it cool for a second or you will use the Lord's name in vain. We don't want that. Then eat your cheesy heaven sammy. Can't wait to make a grilled Jesasdilla." —Shopaholic Reviewing Mom Get it on Amazon for $40. 19. A T-shirt to wear as you suffer through your existential crisis and peer into the depths of your soul. amazon.com, amazon.com Promising Review: "As a sloth myself, I live by the slogan 'Live Slow, Die Whenever'. So, when I wear a shirt, it's gotta be goooooood. Fellow female sloths can normally take up to a year to find me for mating, but with this shirt that all seems to have changed. When I'm moving from tree to tree at a remarkable six feet per minute, I can smell the ladies coming a mile away. Of course I wouldn't settle for any female sloth, as a sloth with this shirt shouldn't settle for the first sloth to come his way." —John M Get it on Amazon for $18. (Available in women's sizes S-XXL and in men's sizes S-XXL.) 20. A Mad Libs book to have on hand when Snoop D. O. double G comes to visit. amazon.com Promising Review: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh what fun we had at our monthly hangout with this book! Too funny!" —Kindle CustomerGet it on Amazon for $5. 21. A can of anal gland smell 'cause what better way to surprise her than with the sweet, sweet nectar of skunk butt juice? amazon.com Promising Review: "I bought this as a gift for a co-worker whose leaving. We work in a sewage treatment plant, and all she's been saying is how she can't wait to stop working in an environment that doesn't smell like rancid feces. But I know she will miss us. A little tag attached with the message, 'for when you miss us' set it off nicely. The whole team had a good laugh over it." —Amazon CustomerGet it on Amazon for $8. 22. Some Abe Lincoln bandages that, like Taylor Swift so vehemently proclaimed, won't fix bullet holes. (Too soon?) amazon.com Promising Review: "I put this on my wound and immediately I was freed from the shackles of pain and distress. Not appropriate for wearing to the theater." —J. TapleyGet it on Amazon for $3. 23. A set a posters to piss off your neighbors. amazon.com Promising Review: "This book is hilarious, every sign is amazing. If you like freaking out your neighbors, this is the book for you." —Pep pepGet it on Amazon for $10. 24. And, a tried-and-true Bag of Unicorn Farts 'cause Skittles aren't the only way to taste the rainbow. amazon.com Promising Review: "Best bag of unicorn farts I've ever seen. True story." —specialkGet it on Amazon for $10. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF NBC Universal Television Hehehehehe.