1."Why don't you get drunk and be somebody? Toughen up, honky!"
2. "He's hot, but he's short. A hot short man. I should start dating shorter men. They're probably real good at butt stuff."
3. "What's that smell?... What is that?... Is that pee?? Are you peeing in that can right now?! I'm gonna kill you!"
4. "One time I tried to set an alarm on my phone and I typed it in my calculator. I woke up the next morning like, 'why the fuck didn't my alarm go off??'"
5. "It smells like shit... It smells like country!"
6. "I bet he's as squishy as a marshmallow."
7. "No... I don't think I threw up on his face."
8. "You can usually find me hiding behind the rum machine."
9 "Sometimes I just want to throw a blanket over somebody, you know?"
10. "All I want to do is scream 'USA'..."
11. "And then he took his hat off, so we stopped being friends."
12. "I lost my friend, but like, I'm not worried because she's super drunk."
13. "Did you wet your pants today?"
14. "Would God really like that hat?"
15. "What the fuck?! I yelled I would have sex with him and he came over and said hi to you!"
16. "Wait, stop talking... You don't drive a truck anymore?!"
17. "She told me to look at her phone so she hands it to me and on it, I kid you not, is 10,000 pictures of her all alone."
18. "My friends threw me a huge congrats party for me and my new job, and I was super proud. But it turns out it was an intervention for cocaine..."
19. "I wouldn't be your friend if it wasn't for the food. I'm judging you for thinking I would be."
20. "He was all of a sudden real nice. I was like, 'you should drink tons of alcohol all the time!'"
21. "Honestly, I'm the one-year-old of the group."
22. "Give me a piggyback ride because you're ratchet."
23. "It smells like cheese in a good way."
24. "He's got my body so sweaty. It's like my bra is telling me it wants to be on stage with him."
25. "I'm only drinking things that are blue from now on."
26. "It says there's a 30% chance of rain so we need to get the fuck out of here!"
"Those percentages were made up by the government to make people have to pee more."
27. "He started crying while he ate a cookie. I guess that cookie was just too good for him. I mean, I had just dumped him, but I'm pretty sure it was because of the cookie."