What My Trip to the Buzzfeed Corporate Offices Taught Me About Kale.
I opened the glass door and entered the building.
The first thing I noticed was the wonderful uniformity. Mac computers lined the walls of the room, sitting atop multitudes of standing desks. The occasional desk plant or funny motivational picture including a cat spotted the monotony of the scene, adding color to the otherwise mute scene of black, red, and yellow dressings.
I was greeted by Klara.
Klara seemed nice when she introduced herself, her thick black framed glasses proved a nice contrast to the purple of her lipstick. She was wearing a black and white spotted blouse, a black skirt, knee high black socks, and gray flats. It made me wonder if this company had some kind of dress code, every other person was dressed similarly, spare a few yellow sweaters and loose fitting jean jackets. "How are you?" she said in a cheery voice. This suddenly made me realize I hadn't spoken to her for an awkwardly long amount of time while looking around the office.
"Nice place in here" I said as my voice sounded hoarse from disuse for so long.
"Oh thank you we take a lot of pride in making our offices seem different" she replied. Far too quickly I replied, "I'm Phil I'm here to get shown around for my new position as a writer." "She can sense you're nervous, she knows you feel you don't belong," the thought kept ringing in my head as she took me through a tour of the building.
"Don't worry about remembering it all the first time around, it's a big place so it'll take some time to get used to" Klara said to me, most likely in response to my confused expression.
"I've seen worse, trust me." I responded as if to seem like I had more legitimate credentials. This was my first real job in writing and I was just hoping it wasn't showing. "And here we are," she said breaking my concentration on my own fear "your very own desk!" She ended that last part with a smile, as if she was just absolutely delighted I had my own space to write drivel.
"What's that in the cup on the desk?" I asked her, pointing to the thick green liquid next to the computer.
"Oh that? That's just your daily kale smoothie, we all get one free everyday." "Oh ok thanks but I don't think I can drink it right now, I had a late breakfast today." I said, but really it was because my stomach was tied up into knots over this job. "Oh no you should really try to drink it before the end of the day, I don't think anyone has ever not drank theirs before the clocked out." Hm, a bit strange but then again they do pride themselves in being different.
The rest of the day went on without a hitch. I wrote what I was hired to write (editorials on female celebrities) and before I knew it it was 4:45.
Klara came back over again, same wide, welcoming smile plastered on her face. "So how did your first day g-" She suddenly stopped when she saw the still full glass of the kale smoothie on my desk. "Oh sorry I never got around to drinking it and it sat for so long I didn't think it wad good, I was gonna throw it out on my way out." I said hoping to correct whatever mistake I seem to have made. "That's not good" she said to me, her face suddenly one of despair. "No one ever leaves without finishing their kale smoothie." "Look it's been sitting out for hours, I'll just drink mine tomorrow if that's fine." I said just wanting to leave now.
"You can't live until you drink your kale smoothie." Klara said in a shockingly stern tone.
"It's a smoothie I really don't see what is so important about it." As I said this I tried to get up to throw the smoothie into the nearby garbage can. Klara's hand suddenly caught my arm with a surprisingly strong grip. "Hey what the hell get off of me, it's just a god damn smoothie!" I shoved her off of me and tried to walk around her but she blocked my path. "You have to drink your kale smoothie, no one leaves without drinking their kale smoothie!" Her voice suddenly raised to yelling as she tried to force feed me the smoothie.
"What the hell is wrong with you, it's just a stupid smoothie!"
I yelled back at her. I managed to wrestle the drink out of her hand and threw it on the ground, this may be my first real job but it's not worth all of this drama over a damn smoothie. As soon as the green viscous liquid hit the ground Klara uttered a blood chilling scream of rage. "You must drink your kale smoothie, no one gets to leave without drinking their kale smoothie!" Suddenly she was on top of me, attempting to pry my mouth open and shovel in the remains of what I threw onto the ground in.
"Get the hell off me you crazy woman!'
When i managed to wiggle free I stood up and realized something that made my heart drop. The rest of the writers in the office had risen from their desks and were now slowly approaching, all shouting different versions of what Klara had been screaming in my face. My only way to the entrance was blocked by a crazed looking man wearing a ripped flannel, a faded shirt with a yellow happy face on it, a top knot, and sporting a large beard.
My only way away from the now frenzied mob was further into the building.
I managed to evade the grabbing hands of my "coworkers" and got out of the room. I ran down hallways and through offices, all worryingly empty. I was screaming for help but to no avail, the only people occupying the office were me and the angry mob of hipsters. I found a conference room with a lockable door and hid away inside, making sure to lock the door behind me. The wall facing the hallway was completely made of glass but it was the only safe place I could find.
I dove away under the wooden table as the mob passed.
As they slowly lurched past I noticed they began to look strange. Their fingers were elongating and getting more and more narrow. Almost like hooks I thought, then I realized, they were claws. They began to arch their backs up in unnatural positions and it almost seemed as if their spines were poking through their shirts. Their legs seemed to shift outwards towards the sides of their bodies and their knees began to bend in the opposite directions. Their voices becoming less and less human as they began to sound more like wolves howling at their prey. Worst of all though, a thick green substance began seeping out of them. From their mouths, noses, ears, and eyes the thick liquid slowly came out until they were drenched in a disgusting mess of it. "It's the kale smoothie" I thought to myself, but why?
I suddenly heard a voice from behind, "Do you think you are the first one?"
I turned quickly only to be greeted by a shocking sight, Donald Trump was standing over the table I was under. He suddenly knocked it over, revealing me meekly hiding on the floor. He moved with a speed that would surprise even a gazelle, his hand was suddenly around my neck and I was pressed against the glass. The horde of hellish hipsters suddenly realized my presence and began to scratch at the glass for me, their claws making a disgustingly piercing noise.
"I....I don't understand" I said breathlessly as his grip tightened.
"Don't worry" he said happily "Let me explain. I created Buzzfeed years ago for one purpose, to distract people like you. It's so easy, use popular tv shows and movies that everyone has seen and develop inside jokes about them. Then came the memes, that you mindless fools created yourselves. I used your own stupidity against you. By keeping you so focused on the internet and your stupid 'sub-culture' of bullshit I was able to build my strength. Years went by and I finally put my plan into action, I have become the most powerful man in the world." It made so much sense but at the same time I couldn't wrap my head around it, the mecca for liberal culture was it's very downfall? "But....why?" I asked. "Because..." he said with a large smirk "I could." With that last word the glass of the wall suddenly broke, allowing the horde inside. They surrounded me, covering me in whatever they were oozing out of every pore. My vision went black as I became covered in them, I lost consciousness in the sea of ombré hair and velvet skirts.
It is so difficult finishing this article.
This thought ran through my head multiple times as I attempted to finish "9 Times the Gilmore Girls predicted my future love life". "Hey make sure you finish up that list soon, you still have three quizzes to finish today." Klara said as she covered my computer with her hand. "No problem!" I answered with a smile. Quizzes were the best, the most fun was doing them after I posted them online. I looked over to my right and my heart sank, my kale smoothie was still half full. I grabbed it and chugged the rest down as fast as possible, how could I wait so long to finish it? As Klara walked away she saw me do this and smiled, she accepted me. In fact, all of my coworkers now accepted me with open arms. I was so foolish before, so naive. How could something so benign be so terrible anyway. As I looked at my empty glass I sat back with a content feeling in my chest. Oh how thankful I am, thankful I finally learned to love my kale smoothie.