15 Thoughts Lesbians Have While Reading Women's Mags

    Whose reality is this, even?

    Eleanor Margolis
    by Eleanor Margolis

    BuzzFeed Contributor

    1. I don't think I GET Ryan Gosling.

    giphy.com / Via tumblr.com

    Does he ever not look like he's guarding a very gross secret? Is that part of his appeal?

    2. Can lesbians be basic?

    wifflegif.com / Via heykaytay.tumblr.com

    I just read an article on replacing carbs with kale and took mental notes. Question answered. #NotAllLesbians

    3. Alexa Chung is seriously good looking.

    blog.nextmanagement.com / Via Glamour Magazine

    Like, frighteningly fit. Straight girls, you're noticing this too, right?

    Oh no, you're too busy trying to work out what Ryan Gosling's gross secret is. If you're not looking at Alexa Chung and at least thinking, "maybe...", I will never completely understand you.

    4. "Naughty" red velvet macaroon recipe. OK stop.

    giphy.com / Via reddit.com

    This is how to be naughty with cake, take note: Putting your tit on someone's birthday cake and mushing it around, thereby destroying the cake? That's naughty. Throwing a pavlova off a balcony, because YOLO? Also naughty.

    Eating cake? Not at all naughty.

    5. Would wanking over this lingerie ad (no, not right here in the dentist's waiting room) make me a terrible feminist?

    FOX/ The Simpsons / Via giphy.com

    Mmmmmm... scantily clad woman who may or may not contribute to a culture that objectifies conventionally attractive women and shames the ones who don't conform to a unachievable status quo dictated by men.

    Either way, being a woman is cool because no one can see your public boners.

    6. Straight women: stop stealing our style.

    fashionayle.com / Via pinterest.com

    We have so little to call our own these days (what with everyone being a little bit gay). Just let us keep unflattering plaid shirts and comfy shoes, yeah?

    Ugh, you're not even doing it right. Stop tainting our look with adorableness.

    7. But... but I don't NEED to know how to give better blow jobs.

    giphy.com / Via Nickelodeon

    OK, I'll read it anyway. I regret having read that. I regret it deeply.

    Maybe I can forget about it with this delicious banana. Oh. Of ALL the places you could put a penis. Seriously.

    8. I probably wouldn't go straight for Idris Elba, but if he asked me very nicely if he could touch one of my boobs while we watch old episodes of Most Haunted together, I reckon I'd say yes.

    giphy.com / Via tumblr.com

    Actually, he wouldn't even need to ask that nicely. I'll warm up YouTube for us, Idris.

    9. Hey, Glamour, a vagina called - it wants its colour back.

    Glamour / Via glamourmagazine.co.uk

    Haven't seen this much pink since, well... you know when.

    10. Speaking of which, it's not "va-jay-jay", it's not "cooch" and it's not "Princess Foo-Foo's sparkle palace", it's VAGINA.

    Via giphy.com

    Repeat after me, va-gi-na.

    11. "Make a splash in turquoise", "reinvent your earlobes", "make the treadmill your BFF".... Where do straight women get this much pep?

    Via Universal Pictures

    These headlines seem to suggest that they all have a personal cheerleader rooting for Team Them.

    Lesbians don't have personal cheerleaders. We have personal hockey players who sometimes swear at us. Which is actually better. Trust me.

    12. Oooh, which Girls girl am I?

    Via HBO

    OK, these questions aren't super-relevant to my lifestyle. None of these is my favourite sexual position, dammit.

    Wait, how did I get "Adam"?

    13. "My boyfriend's penis is too small", "My boyfriend's penis is too big", "My boyfriend can't keep a boner". Seriously girls, just switch teams already. You know who has the perfect penis*? Women.

    *the perfect penis is no penis

    14. Oh, girl-on-girl sex tips, that's cute.

    giphy.com

    Thanks for trying, Cosmopolitan, we really appreciate it, but we don't... hang on a sec. Some of these aren't half bad.

    Oh fuck, I'm getting sex advice from Cosmo. The horror.

    15. In fact, lesbian representation in Cosmo in particular is surprisingly... existent.

    Via Warner Bros.

    You'd think it were the 21st century, or something. When did this start happening? Why was this not discussed at the most recent Coming Together Of All The Lesbians?

    That'll do Cosmo, that'll do.