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46 Thoughts Every Girl Has Shopping For Their First Strap-On

Dil-don't even go there.

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1. So, what does my penis *actually* look like?

2. No really, every woman has a spirit penis. Is mine purple?

3. A lot of the dildos on this site are purple.

4. Should I really be doing this online? I mean, I could go to an actual sex shop.

5. Nah. My Google search history already includes "Thomas The Tank Engine porn". It's all downhill from here.

6. I WAS CURIOUS, OK.

7. Thomas the Wank Engine. Ha.

8. No! Focus. Focus on the strap-ons.

9. I wonder if there's a train-shaped dildo.

10. Stop thinking about Thomas the Tank Engine.

11. Is it best to buy the dildo separately from the harness, or should I get a sort of all-inclusive starter kit? God I need a strap-on spirit guide.

12. Why are so many of these silicone dongs for men? They know they already have penises, right?

13. "Fulfil your big man fantasy". Oh.

14. Do I have a big man fantasy?

15. Didn't Freud say some stuff about this?

16. Am I actively perpetuating the penis envy myth?

17. Freud was a dick.

18. How realistic should I go? None of these veiny monstrosities really look like *my* penis.

19. If I had a penis, it would be way prettier than any of these Franken-wangs.

20. And, really, does size matter?

21. I don't want to hurt anyone. No one should ever be hurt by a dildo.

22. OK, so some of these cocks come with balls and some don't.

23. Life changing decision: Do. I want. Testicles?

24. No. No I do not.

25. I don't think even men want balls, really. Have you seen a scrotum? They look like someone wrapped the phrase "Oh dear" in some loose skin.

26. Why are some of these schlongs made of glass? I don't want to get all health and safety on people's sex lives, but isn't that just a terrible, terrible idea?

27. "Hi Maureen. Yeah, I won't be coming into work today. A glass penis shattered inside my cooch."

28. Having said that...

29. Glass could feel quite nice. Cold and smooth and, NO. No. I'm not getting a glass dildo.

30. They're really expensive, anyway. Some of them are, like, hand blown in Murano.

31. "Blown". Ha.

32. Speaking of which, how much do I actually want to spend on this?

33. Like my grandma says, "What's cheap is dear".

34. Get out of my head, grandma, I'm buying sex toys.

35. She's right though. If I go too cheap, the whole thing might just disintegrate and turn someone's vagina green.

36. I don't want to turn anyone's vagina green.

37. And if I'm going to splash out, do I want a leather harness? I mean, I wear leather shoes all the time, but the thought of a cow dying just so I can bone someone with a pretend willy is a bit sad.

38. Anyway. Can I bring myself to buy a strap-on off Amazon, the same place where I buy books and kitchen implements? It's just that they seem to offer better value for money than the dedicated sex toy sites.

39. I feel like the Goldilocks of dildos. Too big, too horrifyingly realistic...

40. ...just right! Stop the bus. I've found The One. I've found my penis.

41. She's beautiful. Perfect size. Not too veiny. Fairly priced. Harness included. Praise be, I've found me a dick.

42. Add to cart. I added a strap-on to my cart. Dirty, dirty cart.

43. I've paid for it. I've handed over factual bank for a fictional phallus. I'm a dildo owner now. There's no going back.

44. But what if I'm just not very good at dick sex?

45. At least I'm not going to have any trouble getting it up.

46. God I hope this thing doesn't arrive in a penis-shaped box.