1. The ITV Player slogan is "come on in," which seems upsettingly apt for a show about people being abandoned on an island and encouraged to sleep with each other.
2. Season 1, Episode 28.
3. 28 episodes seems excessive.
4. "Contains scenes of a graphic sexual nature…"
5. Not even ten seconds in and I'm already regretting this.
6. It told my mum to stop watching. That makes me nervous. Maybe I should stop watching.
7. Wow, hard rock music. This is the most incredibly dramatic previous episode recap I've ever seen and nothing is even happening.
8. Less than a minute in and there's already been screaming on three different occasions.
9. "The author of The Banterbury Tales is back," and everyone is screaming.
10. So far there's been more screaming than in a horror film.
11. THE ARCHBISHOP OF BANTERBURY IS WEARING A THONG. Put your vestments back on, please.
12. What is this voiceover guy's accent? I've never heard anything like it.
13. Googled it. He's Scottish.
14. Okay, this is what I was expecting. Two girls interviewing people to be their boyfriends. On an island.
15. Guy Number One: "I guess you could say I'm a serial dater. But I'm not a serial killer."
16. I'm concerned as to why he felt the need to clarify that.
17. There are two girls on a date with one guy??? Do they decide which one of them wants him more?
18. Apparently his "really good slut drop" is one of his best assets.
19. I've seen better.
20. Verdict on Guy Number One: "He's very cheeky but really nice at the same time."
21. I feel like there's definitely going to be a lot of cheeky banter on this show.
22. Guy Number Two: A part time stripper! Topical.
23. Oh god, he's lap dancing.
24. It's getting heartfelt. He's bored of the #stripperlife. He wants something ~more serious~.
25. This is literally Magic Mike, but with more judgment and less furniture design.
26. Guy Number Three: Not a typical lad because he likes gin and tonic.
27. They're literally interviewing potential partners while everyone else is watching them???
28. Guys Number Four and Five: Twins, who apparently can't be separated, even for a date.
29. "Being Italian, we invented romance, it's in our blood," he says in a thick Manchester accent.
30. Thank god for ad breaks. I can use this time to research what the fuck is going on.
31. Apparently the twins have been on the island before. The girls don't seem pleased to see them.
32. They're wearing matching outfits.
33. They look like life-size Ken dolls.
34. "They've always got sick clobber on", apparently.
35. I'm curious to learn why everyone is so unhappy about seeing the twins again.
36. I also feel upset about the fact that I'm getting into this.
37. They're referring to "the outside" so I'm assuming this is a Big Brother situation.
38. I'm always curious about the behind-the-scenes of a B-roll.
39. Like, how many times has this guy had to flip his hair in a jacuzzi to get the perfect shot?
40. Was it awkward for everyone involved? I imagine it was.
41. This girl has just interviewed FIVE potential dates and she's already dating someone on the island???
42. I'm so confused.
43. So everyone on the island has beds IN ONE ROOM.
44. "It's been a tough day for Jordan and Zoe, so she's decided to take matters into her own hand."
45. She's disappeared under the bedsheets oh no.
46. Oh my god.
47. Now he's under there too.
48. OHHH MY GOD.
49. She just gave him a hand job and left?
50. This is getting out of hand.
51. NOW THEY'RE DISCUSSING HAND JOB ETIQUETTE.
52. THE GIRLS ARE HAVING AN IN-DEPTH DISCUSSION ABOUT TECHNIQUE.
53. THERE'S A CAN OF HAIRSPRAY INVOLVED.
54. I'm upset.
55. They were ALL IN THE ROOM while it was happening.
56. Surely this is a violation of basic human rights?
57. Thank god, second ad break. I need a calming cup of tea.
58. "Morning has come, and judging by the smile on his face, so has Jordan."
59. I'm all for a good pun, but that's just too far.
60. I've never seen this many top lads in one place before.
61. They have a bed outdoors, because of course they do.
62. Oooh, new people.
63. Zoe is getting emotional.
64. There's drama.
65. Wait, is that Zoe?
66. Is it Lauren?
67. It's Lauren.
68. Is this a competition? Does somebody win?
69. Right now I just feel like everyone is losing.
70. All these guys look the same. I've been watching for half an hour and I have no idea what any of them are called.
71. The new people are on a double date with their ~partners~ and it's the most awkward thing I've ever witnessed.
72. "Why did you pick me?" "I wasn't really attracted to any of the other girls." This guy knows what girls want to hear.
73. Okay, I now know that this guy is called Josh, because the screen said "Josh".
74. The lads have converged.
75. They're having a secret meeting.
77. This guy's voice sounds exactly like Billy Mitchell.
78. I've lost count of how many times people have yelled "WAHEYYYYYY" in the last 40 minutes.
79. Oh my god they're all wearing shirts with their names on!
80. This is so helpful.
81. Billy Mitchell's name is Jon.
82. I'm just going to keep calling him Billy.
83. I've been so focused on the name-shirts that I have no idea what's going on.
84. Apparently it's "Love Island Regatta".
85. AKA racing each other across the pool on a handmade raft.
86. I'm looking up where this island is.
87. Is it the island of Fernandos?
89. Where is Fernandos, anyway?
90. All of the guys have exactly the same haircut. No exceptions.
91. They're being filmed in the bath together?! What is this show?
92. Surely this is an invasion of privacy.
93. "I love you too much to argue and all that bullshit."
94. They love each other? Okay.
95. Now he's complaining about her to one of his mates.
96. "She talks over me sometimes and I just want to talk."
97. She's crying because she doesn't have any time alone any more.
98. Does she understand the concept of the show?
99. OH MY GOD IT'S OVER.
100. Well, shit.
101. When's the next episode?