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Advice From Lonesome George To The Last Male Northern White Rhino

Sudan the rhino is the last male of his kind, and Lonesome George has some words of wisdom to throw his way.

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Michael Melford / Via National Geographic Creative

Dear Sudan,

Hey buddy, it may be weird that I'm writing you since I'm dead and all, but I've been in your position and I know how stressful it is. I'm allowed to write one letter a year from the great beyond and I chose YOU. You've got a lot more than just oxpecker birds riding on your shoulders. The continued existence of your ENTIRE SPECIES is all dependent on you. You want lil baby Sudans running around the African savannah? You better start making moves.

I know you've got TWO lovely rhino ladies just waiting to be wooed. You're lucky to have so many options. Don't fret, Ole George has been there too, and I want to give you my advice on how to not go extinct.

So here is my list of advice on how to woo a lady:

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4. Make her a mixtape. People may say mixtapes are overrated, but they’re not. Put some Taylor Swift on there, a little “Ignition” by R. Kelly, and she will be feelin' it.

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10. Tell her you want to be the couple that people post pictures of with #RelationshipGoals next to it.

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It's just that it sucks being extinct. I'm stuck hanging out all day with carrier pigeons and the dodo bird. Do you know how annoying the dodo bird is? You don't want to. But you won't have to worry about joining the Extinct Club if you just GET BUSY. Don't be nervous, the girls are horny af. (Rhino pun, I had to.) Be confident, be sexy, be yourself.

Peace, love, and baby rhinos,

Lonesome George

P.S. And don't worry about the guards watching you 'cause honestly it's weirder for them than it is for you.

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