Skip To Content
    Updated on May 30, 2020. Posted on May 28, 2020

    I Rewatched The First Episode Of "The Secret Life Of The American Teenager" And It Didn't Age Well...At All

    What was I watching???

    In my youth, I was obSESSED with the show The Secret Life of the American Teenager. However, looking back as an adult, I am coming to terms with how problematic this show was.

    ABC Family

    Words actually spoken on network television.

    Recently, Shailene Woodley herself revealed that filming the show was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do.

    ABC Family

    So what better time than now to rewatch the first episode of Secret Life and see how it holds up?

    ABC Family

    Spoiler alert: It fared even worse than Gossip Girl.

    Without further ado...

    The greatest mystery in modern television history is how the creators of Secret Life were able to bag Molly Ringwald for this show.

    ABC Family

    OMG. Y'ALL. WE ARE ONLY 30 SECONDS INTO THIS EPISODE:

    ABC Family

    Molly, sweetie. NO.

    Amy finding out she was pregnant while Molly Ringwald was in the kitchen reheating her pot roast was a cultural reset.

    ABC Family

    "Let's fall in love." OMG, this theme song sent me back.

    ABC Family

    I will say...this song is awfully chipper for a show that's pretty bleak.

    Ah, yes. We love the coercion of teenage girls.

    ABC Family

    Boy, if you don't stop pressuring girls into sex and start doing your homework...

    WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! The only reason why Ben is interested in Amy is because he has a better chance at having sex with her than with Grace Bowman?! WOW

    ABC Family

    Color me disgusted.

    The only thing that would make this WORSE is if they bet on it — and I spoke too soon.

    ABC Family

    The fact that Amy doesn't realize she can go see a pediatrician to get a pregnancy test makes me very concerned for the teens in this high school.

    ABC Family

    The irony that Amy won't see her children's doctor to tell her if she's with child or not is not lost on me.

    What is with the teens of Poor Sex Ed High making bets at Amy's expense...

    ABC Family

    Like, were they betting she wouldn't take the test? That she would take the test? That she'd win the lotto? What is it?!

    IDK, I find it wild that this boi is just drinking a carton of milk.

    ABC Family

    I'm not sure what the going salary was for guidance counselors back in 2008, but I know for a FACT that Mr. Molina was not getting paid enough to put up with this:

    ABC Family

    "[Me wanting to join the band] is motivated by the fact that I'm 15, I'm a virgin, and if I ever want to have a sex life, I've gotta start somewhere. And my advisers have advised that I start with this band chick." This is so fucked up, I don't even know where to begin.

    Is Ben...wearing...two sweaters???

    ABC Family

    Somehow, this is the most shocking thing that's happened thus far.

    WHAT ARE THEY TEACHING THE KIDS AT THIS SCHOOL?

    ABC Family

    This girl has too much sense for this show.

    ABC Family

    They are NOT playing "Daughters" by John Mayer while Amy's waiting in the waiting room to find out if she's pregnant...

    ABC Family

    Lord, give me the patience.

    I am only halfway through this pilot and I already wanna yeet this show out of my mind.

    Bravo

    Amy's sister's ONLY crime was wearing a crop top and her dad basically called her a whore...

    ABC Family

    Not his whore, though! Just a whore in general.

    This dude is giving the parents on Gossip Girl a run for their money.

    ABC Family

    Hey, that's the dad from Smallville!

    ABC Family

    *RECORD SCRATCH*

    ABC Family

    My head hurts.

    These girls really think that Amy's only option is to date Ben, make him fall in love with her, tell him that she's pregnant, and then get married.

    ABC Family

    Aside from timelines not matching up, this is the most uneducated plan I've ever heard in my entire life.

    I remember as a kid, thinking that this girl was the villain, when really, we should have been rooting for her the entire time!

    ABC Family

    #JusticeForAdrian

    OK, I'll be first to admit that maybe I was a bit to quick to hop on the #JusticeForAdrian train...

    ABC Family

    All I've taken away from the pilot was that the cautious best friend, the underpaid guidance counselor, and the crop top-wearing sister are the only ones worth rooting for on this damn show.

    ABC Family

    In conclusion, my mother once told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything. So I'll leave you with this:

    Bravo

    0/10 wouldn't recommend.

    TV and Movies

    Get all the best moments in pop culture & entertainment delivered to your inbox.

    Newsletter signup form