I Watched "The Bachelorette" Last Night So You Didn't Have To

And that's what you missed on Bach!

Helloooo, Bach Nation! Welcome to your third installation of Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelorette Recap:

Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed

In case you skipped last week's cringey as heck episode, you can catch up in a jiffy here.

Now, this isn't meant to be a two-hour affair, so let's jump right in, shall we?

Last week, we ended on Yosef feeling "disrespected" and "appalled" about the dodgeball date — a date he wasn't on, mind you — which he felt the need to bring up to Clare. This confrontation lead to Yosef calling Clare "classless" and stating that he's "ashamed to be associated" with her.

ABC

So, Yosef left — good fucking riddance — and the entire affair left Clare in tears, but frontrunner Dale came in on his white steed and comforted her:

ABC

Needless to say, Clare ended the cocktail party early and sent home Tyler, Garin, and Blake Monar. A fallen petal for these fallen suitors:

Walt Disney Studios

But the show must go on! Another day means another group date, aka Clare and Dale on a date while the other suitors watch. Still reeling from the events of last night, Clare actually canceled the date portion of the evening and went straight to the cocktail hour...where she spent an hour canoodling with Dale:

ABC

I mean, let's call a spade a spade — I don't BLAME her, but c'mon Clare, you gotta play the game.

Dale finally emerged from Clare's quarters with a shit-eating grin on his face after getting interrupted by Eazy. Clare did a speed-dating round of convos with the other guys before spending even MORE time with Dale:

ABC

I don't need to post a screenshot to show you that Dale got the date rose that night since he's the only man she's dating at this point.

Next up was Clare's one-on-one with Zach J., a spa day...which was, and I don't say this lightly, the most ghetto date in Bach history:

ABC, Bravo

However, things did not go well — since, you know, Zach J. isn't Dale — and Clare had Chris Harrison send him home:

ABC

A fallen petal for Zach J.

The next group date, for some god-awful reason, was a ROAST. Obviously, all the suitors shat on Dale...

ABC

I will say, Bennett OBLITERATED Dale. I do not wanna cross the H-Man.

...and Clare was not amused. She spent another group date talking about Dale — AND HE WASN'T EVEN ON THE DATE!

ABC

None of these men stood a chance.

The episode ended with talks of a coup d'etat since CLEARLY Clare only has eyes for one man...

ABC

...the only GOOD thing to come from this was that we got a sneak peak of what's to come for Bach Nation:

ABC

Tayshia hive! We ride at DAWN!

Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between!