I Watched "The Bachelorette" Last Night So You Didn't Have To

    And that's what you missed on Bach!

    Helloooo, Bach Nation! Welcome to your third installation of Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelorette Recap:

    Now, this isn't meant to be a two-hour affair, so let's jump right in, shall we?

    Last week, we ended on Yosef feeling "disrespected" and "appalled" about the dodgeball date — a date he wasn't on, mind you — which he felt the need to bring up to Clare. This confrontation lead to Yosef calling Clare "classless" and stating that he's "ashamed to be associated" with her.

    Clare staring at Yosef

    So, Yosef left — good fucking riddance — and the entire affair left Clare in tears, but frontrunner Dale came in on his white steed and comforted her:

    Clare and Dale embracing

    Needless to say, Clare ended the cocktail party early and sent home Tyler, Garin, and Blake Monar. A fallen petal for these fallen suitors:

    But the show must go on! Another day means another group date, aka Clare and Dale on a date while the other suitors watch. Still reeling from the events of last night, Clare actually canceled the date portion of the evening and went straight to the cocktail hour...where she spent an hour canoodling with Dale:

    Dale and Clare snuggling on a bed

    Dale finally emerged from Clare's quarters with a shit-eating grin on his face after getting interrupted by Eazy. Clare did a speed-dating round of convos with the other guys before spending even MORE time with Dale:

    Dale and Clare hugging with the caption, ''Just waiting to see you again''

    Next up was Clare's one-on-one with Zach J., a spa day...which was, and I don't say this lightly, the most ghetto date in Bach history:

    However, things did not go well — since, you know, Zach J. isn't Dale — and Clare had Chris Harrison send him home:

    Zach J. getting sent home by The Bachelorette's host after almost kissing Clare

    The next group date, for some god-awful reason, was a ROAST. Obviously, all the suitors shat on Dale...

    An example of one of the suitors going roasting Dale hard

    ...and Clare was not amused. She spent another group date talking about Dale — AND HE WASN'T EVEN ON THE DATE!

    Clare continuously talking about Dale to another suitor

    The episode ended with talks of a coup d'etat since CLEARLY Clare only has eyes for one man...

    Well, if she already found it, then what are we doing?

    ...the only GOOD thing to come from this was that we got a sneak peak of what's to come for Bach Nation:

    Tayshia gloriously rising out of a pool

    Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between!