Approximately 20 years and one day ago, Shrek released in theaters and cemented its place as a permanent fixture in our hearts and zeitgeist. I used to watch this movie all the time as a kid — like, to the point that our VHS tape stopped working — but I haven't seen it in over a decade and remember very little of it.
Like, I know there's Shrek and Donkey and Lord Fuckwad and Cameron Diaz. Also something with a dragon? But all the specifics are nowhere to be found in my mind.
So, what better time than now to give Shrek the ol' adult rewatch? Sit back and enjoy:
1. Shrek opening to Smash Mouth's "All Star" has to be one of the most iconic movie openings of all time:
2. They're really painting the ogre picture here:
3. I cannot remember why Lord Farquaad — not Fuckwad, even though it should be — is imprisoning all the fairy-tale creatures, but I'm glad that it brought Shrek and Donkey together:
4. "I like that boulder — that is a nice boulder." I may not remember much from this film, but I do remember THAT LINE!
5. THE FAIRY-TALE CREATURES ARE INVADING THE SWAMP!
6. And so, our journey begins to the land of Lord Farquaad so Shrek can get his swamp back. I mean, all this just for some peace and quiet? As someone who lives with roommates, I can relate:
7. OMG! ARE THEY MILK-BOARDING THE GINGERBREAD MAN? Wowowowowow:
8. "NO, NOT THE BUTTONS! NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!"
9. "Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy..." I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW FAR THIS ONE FLEW OVER MY HEAD!
10. Oh, these lil' shits:
11. Another fantabulous scene was Shrek fighting Farquaad's knights — to the tune of Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" — and accidentally "winning" the honor of rescuing Princess Fiona:
12. Ogres are like onions!
13. We all ASSUMED the dragon would be a man, but she is, in fact, a WOMAN!
14. I cannot believe we don't meet Princess Fiona until almost 40 minutes into the movie:
15. "Hey hey hey — don't do that! That's my tail!" WAS LADY DRAGON TRYING TO GIVE DONKEY A BLOW JOB??
16. I'm glad Shrek rescued Fiona and Donkey, but I'm sad that Lady Dragon is now heartbroken:
17. "They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone." I FELT THIS!
18. I think...this man got a boner while looking at images of Fiona:
19. Fiona knocking Robin Hood and all his men on their asses was a cultural reset:
20. "Blue flowers, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind!"
21. I love their love:
22. "Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp some time." AHHH! SHREK IS OPENING UP!
23. OH MY GOD, HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THE TWIST???
24. "Who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? Princesses and ugly do not go together — that's why I can't stay here with Shrek...it's the only way to break the spell."
25. UGH, THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS KEEP COMING AND THEY DON'T STOP COMING!
26. Fiona/Donkey/Shrek fighting broke my heart:
27. "Well, if I treated you so bad, why did you come back?" "Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!" *cries*
28. Lady Dragon coming in clutch to save Shrek and Donkey and take them to Fiona's wedding:
29. LET SHREK AND OGRE FIONA LOVE EACH OTHER!
30. Did she...just eat him...?
31. I LOVE THEIR LOVE!
32. And the happy couple rode off into the sunset in their onion carriage!
33. And, most importantly, MY MAN GBM SURVIVED! YOU CAN'T KNOCK A COOKIE DOWN!
