I Rewatched "Shrek" For The First Time As An Adult, And IDK How My Mother Let Me Watch This As A Kid

    "NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!"

    Ehis Osifo
    by Ehis Osifo

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Approximately 20 years and one day ago, Shrek released in theaters and cemented its place as a permanent fixture in our hearts and zeitgeist. I used to watch this movie all the time as a kid — like, to the point that our VHS tape stopped working — but I haven't seen it in over a decade and remember very little of it.

    Title card for Shrek
    DreamWorks

    Like, I know there's Shrek and Donkey and Lord Fuckwad and Cameron Diaz. Also something with a dragon? But all the specifics are nowhere to be found in my mind.

    DreamWorks

    So, what better time than now to give Shrek the ol' adult rewatch? Sit back and enjoy:

    1. Shrek opening to Smash Mouth's "All Star" has to be one of the most iconic movie openings of all time:

    Shrek exiting his outhouse
    DreamWorks

    "Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the sheeeeddd...."

    2. They're really painting the ogre picture here:

    DreamWorks

    It's the attention to detail for me.

    3. I cannot remember why Lord Farquaad — not Fuckwad, even though it should be — is imprisoning all the fairy-tale creatures, but I'm glad that it brought Shrek and Donkey together:

    Shrek and Donkey walking together in the forest
    DreamWorks

    Is anyone else getting WWII vibes from the mass incarceration of fairytale beings? Nope? Just me? OK.

    4. "I like that boulder — that is a nice boulder." I may not remember much from this film, but I do remember THAT LINE!

    Donkey commenting on Shrek's boulder
    DreamWorks

    Mostly because I used to quote this line, no cap, 12 times a day. My mother was not pleased.

    5. THE FAIRY-TALE CREATURES ARE INVADING THE SWAMP!

    Shrek pushing Snow White off of his table
    DreamWorks

    Kudos to the seven dwarves for carrying her in that heavy-ass sarcophagus.

    6. And so, our journey begins to the land of Lord Farquaad so Shrek can get his swamp back. I mean, all this just for some peace and quiet? As someone who lives with roommates, I can relate:

    Shrek and Donkey embarking on their journey
    DreamWorks

    "On the road again!"

    7. OMG! ARE THEY MILK-BOARDING THE GINGERBREAD MAN? Wowowowowow:

    Lord Farquad ordering the torture of the Gingerbread Man
    DreamWorks

    *Cheryl Blossom has entered the chat.*

    8. "NO, NOT THE BUTTONS! NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!"

    Lord Farquad pulling off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons
    DreamWorks

    Another line I repeated like it was my job. But also...why were we allowed to watch these war crimes as a kid? Like, yes it's on a cookie, but STILL!

    9. "Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy..." I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW FAR THIS ONE FLEW OVER MY HEAD!

    Magic Mirror presenting Snow White as a potential queen
    DreamWorks

    How did my mother allow me to watch this movie??? The innuendos, my goodness.

    10. Oh, these lil' shits:

    Wooden dolls singing the Duloc song
    DreamWorks

    Like, Donkey and Shrek should have known that if this was the welcoming committee for Duloc, they should have high-tailed outta there.

    11. Another fantabulous scene was Shrek fighting Farquaad's knights — to the tune of Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" — and accidentally "winning" the honor of rescuing Princess Fiona:

    Shrek cheering in the ring
    DreamWorks

    Like, y'all brought armor to an ogre fight? Suckers.

    12. Ogres are like onions!

    Shrek showing Donkey an onion
    DreamWorks

    I could watch an entire movie of Donkey naming other foods that have layers aside from onions.

    13. We all ASSUMED the dragon would be a man, but she is, in fact, a WOMAN!

    Lady Dragon batting her eyelashes at Donkey
    DreamWorks

    #Feminism

    14. I cannot believe we don't meet Princess Fiona until almost 40 minutes into the movie:

    Princess Fiona looking up at Shrek
    DreamWorks

    I legit almost forgot what Shrek and Donkey were even doing on their quest.

    15. "Hey hey hey — don't do that! That's my tail!" WAS LADY DRAGON TRYING TO GIVE DONKEY A BLOW JOB??

    Lady Dragon sucking Donkey's tail
    DreamWorks

    This movie COMPLETELY went over my head.

    16. I'm glad Shrek rescued Fiona and Donkey, but I'm sad that Lady Dragon is now heartbroken:

    Lady Dragon looking at Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey across the lava
    DreamWorks

    When Lady Dragon is sad, I am sad.

    17. "They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone." I FELT THIS!

    Shrek and Donkey looking at the moon
    DreamWorks

    And yet, Donkey still remained by his side. He's such a noble steed.

    18. I think...this man got a boner while looking at images of Fiona:

    Lord Farquad laying alone in bed with a martini
    DreamWorks

    How was this movie not rated R??

    19. Fiona knocking Robin Hood and all his men on their asses was a cultural reset:

    Fiona air kicking two of Robin Hood's men
    DreamWorks

    #Feminism

    20. "Blue flowers, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind!"

    Donkey looking in a field of blue flowers and red thorns
    DreamWorks

    This made me laugh a lot harder than it should have, and I'm a college-educated woman in her mid-twenties.

    21. I love their love:

    Shrek and Fiona walking shoulder-to-shoulder in the forest
    DreamWorks

    IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP!

    22. "Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp some time." AHHH! SHREK IS OPENING UP!

    Shrek and Fiona talking next to each other
    DreamWorks

    His onion layers are peeling back.

    23. OH MY GOD, HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THE TWIST???

    Princess Fiona as an ogre
    DreamWorks

    That's why she always had to sleep away at night — so no one would see her as an ogre. Ugh, my heart.

    24. "Who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? Princesses and ugly do not go together — that's why I can't stay here with Shrek...it's the only way to break the spell."

    Shrek listening to Fiona and Donkey's conversation
    DreamWorks

    SHREK, YOU HEARD HER OUT OF CONTEXT! SHE WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU! SHE LOVES YOU!!

    25. UGH, THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS KEEP COMING AND THEY DON'T STOP COMING!

    Fiona looking shocked at Shrek
    DreamWorks

    Shrek thinks Fiona was talking about him, and Fiona thinks Shrek is talking about her in her ogre form. COMMUNICATION, PEOPLE!

    26. Fiona/Donkey/Shrek fighting broke my heart:

    Shrek walking away from Donkey
    DreamWorks

    BUT it did introduce us to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" (sung in the movie by Rufus Wainwright), so I can't be that mad.

    27. "Well, if I treated you so bad, why did you come back?" "Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!" *cries*

    Donkey yelling in Shrek's face
    DreamWorks

    Sometimes it's not about the destination, but the friends you make along the way.

    28. Lady Dragon coming in clutch to save Shrek and Donkey and take them to Fiona's wedding:

    Shrek and Donkey flying on the back of Lady Dragon
    DreamWorks

    Talk about a deus ex dragona...#FEMINISM!

    29. LET SHREK AND OGRE FIONA LOVE EACH OTHER!

    Shrek and Fiona fighting off guards to be with one another
    DreamWorks

    Put me in, coach! I'll knock out all those guards.

    30. Did she...just eat him...?

    DreamWorks

    Yes. The answer is that Lady Dragon did eat Lord Farquaad.

    31. I LOVE THEIR LOVE!

    Shrek and Fiona kissing at the altar
    DreamWorks

    Why am I, once again, cryin' in the club?

    32. And the happy couple rode off into the sunset in their onion carriage!

    Shrek and Fiona riding off into the sunset
    DreamWorks

    And they lived happily ever after!

    33. And, most importantly, MY MAN GBM SURVIVED! YOU CAN'T KNOCK A COOKIE DOWN!

    Gingerbread Man waving
    DreamWorks

    Thank goodness he still has all his gumdrop buttons.

    Moral of the story: #Feminism and kids movies have a lot of dick jokes. Can't wait to see what I missed as a kid in Shrek 2.