1. When trains go wrong, it is every man for himself.
Sorry, but there are only so many seats on this rail replacement bus. It's nothing personal.
2. The tube map is in no way geographically accurate.
It takes years to figure out that Goodge Street and Tottenham Court Road are basically the same thing. Tourists will spend upwards of 30 minutes trying to get a train between them.
3. Sometimes, the train just doesn't stop, and you don't even have enough energy to be mad about it.
It's okay to be late in London. Other Londoners get it.
4. It doesn't matter how many bags of shopping you have or what shapes you have to contort yourself into: you MUST stand on the right.
Non-Londoners will never truly grasp how non-negotiable this is.
5. The only seat worth your time on the DLR is the front because you are the driver.
Nothing else is even remotely acceptable. You'll wait for the next train if you need to.
6. In South London, trains turn up when and if they want to turn up.
If you live in Gipsy Hill, you just have to be OK with this.
7. The door buttons are just a test to alert people to the presence of a tourist.
A tourist will always press the button.
8. London has never seen snow before.
Or at least that's how it acts. Every year. (Or TREES or RAIN.)
9. There is a zen state, almost like stasis, that you enter between the hours of 4pm and 7pm on the tube.
You have no personal space, and your nose is in an armpit. But if you keep calm, you can get through this.
10. Only a seasoned commuter knows how to be on a bumpy, old train and do mascara at the same time.
This hasn't happened in years.
11. Sometimes it's just easier to get the tube from Tottenham Court Road to Oxford Street than it is to actually walk down Oxford Street.
The tube is a magical machine.
12. A single empty seat is empty for a good reason.
Do not sit down. Rookie error.
Leave the tourists in the ticket queue. Touch in with your mobile phone with EE Cash on Tap.
