1. How to get ready for class in less than 5 minutes.
2. How to convince your parents that you need a little extra money that month.
3. How to avoid doing laundry for much longer than socially acceptable.
4. How to survive off of a diet of alcohol, alcohol...and some more alcohol.
5. When you take a break from alcohol, how to survive off of a collection of the most unhealthy foods known to man.
6. How to avoid eye contact on campus with one night stands, exes, and that one girl you just really don't like.
7. How to avoid household chores long enough that your roommate gets impatient and does them for you.
8. How to plan your classes/life around ideal napping times.
9. How to sneak a flask into any and all venues.
10. How to take basic notes in class while also Facebooking, Tweeting, Snapchatting, Texting, etc. etc.
11. How to take a class on something and emerge at the end of the semester still not understanding what the class was about.
12. How to eat meals alone and not be self conscious about it.
13. How to make light of your pathetic (at times) life.
14. And most importantly, how to put as little effort as possible into every task ever.
P.S. — The opposite gender will still be a complete mystery to you after these four years.
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