Yesterday, I was caught in a scandal involving my penis and the internet. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm also running for mayor of this fine city. Since this is the fourth time I've been the victim of this kind of scandal, I've decided to turn this horrifying ordeal into a life lesson.
Here are the Six Stages of Having Your Penis Put on the Internet:
1) Denial — This can't be happening to me. Had I known this was going to be on every website, I would have made my penis picture more artistic. At the very least slapped a vintage filter on it. Penises look classier when they look like 1974 penises. I was in such a hurry to take the picture and send it without her permission that I completely forgot what was important. Was that really the best angle? Why does my penis look so sad? Maybe it's sad because I didn't give it the respect it deserves. This isn't fair! How was I supposed to know that Dolly_Party_On5477 would betray me like this? She seemed very sincere. She used a lot of emoticons, and that's supposed to mean something!
2) Bargaining — If this scandal goes away, I promise to stop sending pictures of my penis to strange women. At least for a few weeks. Maybe I'll just send pictures of my penis to my wife. Would she like that? I've never asked her. In fact, the only time we talk anymore is when I need her to come with me to a press conference and support me while I admit to sending pictures of my penis to strange women instead of her. She'll say something like, "This isn't what I signed up for when I married you." And I'll be all like, "Hey, it was the harlot with all the fancy emoticons who betrayed us – NOT ME!"
3) Envy — Looking at other people's penises online, I'm amazed at all of the attention to detail. The incredible lighting! The amazing composition! All of these pictures tell a story. Take this picture, for instance. This is the Ansel Adams of penis pictures. Majestic. Sweeping. Inspirational. This penis hints at a fantastical world within the perpetual peripheral of the mundane. This is the Neil Gaiman of penises. I'd be lucky if my penis was the James Patterson's Ghost Writer of penises.
4) Anger — I swear to fucking God if I see another pun headline! Great. Gawker posted yet another article about my penis. Should I read the comments? Why did I do that? Have these readers no shame? No penis deserves that level of criticism. Why is my penis a meme? If people paid this much attention to my penis when it wasn't photographed maybe I wouldn't be in this mess.
5) Depression — What's the point? I'm a failure. I'm as pathetic as the poorly-lit, badly-angled picture of my penis. My father was right. He always said I was a terrible photographer. Maybe there is something sad about a grown man taking pictures of his penis and sending it unsolicited to strange women. A true king would never post a picture of his penis because people would just know he had one. Do I need help?
6) Acceptance — I finally had a good night's sleep. And I realized that it's going to be okay. It's just a picture of my penis. I'm alive. I have my health. I may have lost my chance at becoming mayor, but at least I still have my self respect. Learn from my mistakes and hire a professional photographer.
Christian A. Dumais is a writer and humorist. He's written some books, but he's best known as Twitter's @DRUNKHULK.
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