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    May 24, 2013

    20 Types Of People In Line For The Midnight Movie

    Learn them, love them, loathe them. Which one are you?

    1. The First In Line

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    They showed up at least 48 hours ago with a tent, a grill, and lawn chairs. They will regale anyone within hearing distance of their courageous exploits against theater management and fire marshals.

    2. The Futile Ninjas

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    Dude, it's the opening weekend of one of the most anticipated films of the year. You can't pull the "crack the exit" maneuver tonight. Abort! Abort!

    3. The Newbie Cosplayers

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    They don't have any idea what they're doing, but with a little tin foil, some Goodwill clothes, and a lot of heart, they're giving it their all. Bless them.

    4. The Insanely Good Cosplayers

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    These people took a soldering class at the YMCA and are test driving a costume which lights up with LEDs and has moving parts. They can't sit down but WHO CARES OMG LOOK HOW SWEET THIS ROTATING WRIST GUN IS!

    5. The Superfans

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    Standing near these people requires monitoring what you say with Herculean effort. Should one wrong factoid about a minor character not even in this movie be uttered, the group will descend like a swarm of fangirl locusts to explain EXACTLY why you are wrong and how that makes you worse than Hitler.

    6. The Closet Superfans

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    Be warned, this insidious type appears perfectly normal until approached for small talk. At which point, the outer layer peels away and an unescapable beam of fandom knowledge pours forth.

    7. The Overtired Children

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    Other than New Year's, this is the latest any of these nerd offspring have been awake in six months. Results are mixed; some scream, some whine, and some mercifully ceased conscious function.

    8. The Old People

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    The equal but opposite of children, they haven't stayed awake past midnight since A New Hope. Eye contact accepted as tacit permission to engage in conversation. For hours.

    9. The "Other Liners"

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    More than one screen means more than one line. The other line is for losers. It's like the Jets vs. the Sharks, only with less synchronized posturing.

    10. The Midnight Movie Virgin

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    They are so excited to be here! All bright eyed and obnoxiously bushy-tailed. For the first couple of hours. As fatigue sets in, watch the joy drain from their face to be replaced with mild annoyance bordering on aggressive apathy. Rejoice.

    One of us. One of us.

    11. The Under-The-Influencers

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    You're not sure if they're drunk or high but the sacred tradition of enhancing a midnight viewing has been going on for decades. Do not question their methods.

    12. The Spoilers Guy

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    Having spent the past three weeks scouring the Internet for every conceivable plot twist, this douche will loud talk about every single one of them. Handle with extreme prejudice.

    13. The Contraband Smugglers

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    Pay money for snacks?! AHAHAHAHAHAHA. These guys are professionals and midnight openings are the only time a sense of camaraderie will compel them to pack enough to share. Exploit this.

    14. The Over-Prepared

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    These folks are more prepared for the apocalypse than a casual entertainment experience. Lawn chair, sunscreen, a blanket, snacks, a cell phone charger, bottled water, band-aids, ibuprofen, ear plugs, the hair from the mane of a unicorn. This person is the unofficially den mother of the line.

    15. The Forever Alone Guy

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    Completely bereft, with no one to pass the hours with, this is truly the most pitiful person in line.

    16. UNLESS: Forever Alone Guy Is Holding The Line For 10,000 Friends

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    Twenty minutes before the start of the movie a Forever Alone guy, usually near the First In Line, suddenly multiplies. Friends with tickets materialize from nowhere, joining forces to become vortex of line jumpers. EVERYONE HATES YOU.

    17. The Couple On Their First Date

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    Somehow these two thought the best way to get to know each other was queueing up with strangers for hours. This turns into sideshow entertainment as the rest of the line watches their interactions with baited breath.

    18. The Reluctant Significant Other

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    Whether guilted into participating or trying to be supportive matters not. They don't understand. Tempers will fray around the three hour mark. Borrow popcorn from the smuggler to watch the inevitable meltdown.

    19. The Nerd Couple

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    They came as a couple and spend the time with their heads together, alternatively making out and geeking out. You hate them because you envy them.

    20. The Casuals

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    By far the most populous sub-type, the casuals migrate towards each other, grouping up like well-dressed shamblers. The enjoy a good midnight movie while managing to be quiet, polite, and well-adjusted members of society.

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