19. Lady Tremaine - “Cinderella”
A calculating social climber with ugly daughters in a time where daughters meant a dowry, a financial strain even if the girl in question was beautiful? That sure sounds stressful, but taking it out on the one person who could actually hope to marry up is bad business.
18. Gaston - “Beauty & The Beast”
Nothing says sanity like planning an entire wedding to a woman who doesn’t even like you. And only a person with a clean bill of health would bribe an asylum to lock up her father while you run off to murder her boyfriend because she turned you down.
Plummeting to his death barely covered his comeuppance.
15. Jafar - “Aladdin”
Power-hungry advisors are so cliche. Power-hungry advisors with talking parrots, vast magical towers no one else seems to know about (?) and hypnotizing staves used only for the most banal causes are not.
Massive evil points for forced slavery.
13. Mother Gothel - “Tangled”
This woman kidnapped a child and then kept said child in shiny gilded cage for 18 years in exchange for eternal beauty. Out of “love,” she kidnapped her daughter’s beau, then when that didn’t work, stabbed him to death in front of her.
Emotional abuse doesn’t even begin to cover it.
12. Madame Medusa - “The Rescuers”
What’s the easiest way to reach the world’s largest diamond trapped in a flooded mine shaft? Obviously it’s to kidnap a little girl and force her to search for it while the waters rise instead of sending in your overly intelligent crocodiles.
11. Ursula - “The Little Mermaid”
Holding a grudge is all well and good, but when a convoluted plan involving turning the daughter of your enemy into another species for three days in the hopes she’ll fail, thus giving you the right to transform her into living seaweed to lure her father out so he’ll offer himself in her place sounds better than “hold her hostage and wait,” you’ve gone off he deep end.
No one ever uses the easy plan.
5. Walrus and the Carpenter - “Alice in Wonderland”
We could’ve put the Red Queen here but, to be honest, she’s no more mad than anyone else in Wonderland. Meanwhile, these monsters lured SENTIENT baby oysters away from home and ate them alive.
Cannibals. Kind of.
4. Scar - “The Lion King”
Murder your own brother? Check. In front of your nephew? Check. Tell your nephew it’s his fault his father died and banish him to the desert where he will surely die? Check. Shack up with your brother’s wife? Assumed check. Be so ruthless that every prey animal on the Savannah is dead within two years AND the rivers have run dry? Impressive check.
Basically, Scar is a dick and controls the weather.
1. The Coachman - “Pinocchio”
Here is a man who kidnaps young boys, takes them Pleasure Island (RED FLAG!), and takes pleasure in torturing them, including ripping their clothes off once they are in donkey form and cannot protest.
Anyone else need a shower and hug?
- The Army Corps of Engineers and North Dakota police have ordered protesters to leave the Dakota Access Pipeline site by this afternoon or face arrest.
- The ACLU is suing the city of Milwaukee and its police for allegedly performing thousands of illegal stop-and-frisk searches that targeted minorities.
- Immigrants are worried two government memos are laying the groundwork for the deportation force President Trump promised on the campaign trail.
- #Peggygate: West Elm offers full refunds for the notoriously disintegrating Peggy Couch days after pulling it from its website 👏