1. Who the actual hell is this?
According to Disney, his real name is Prince Adam. But that makes no damned sense, because you don’t just forget the heir to the throne because he’s cursed. So if Beast is a royal, where the hell are the king and queen? Are French monarchs just like, “Screw it. We’ll make more kids and we have plenty of castles to live in — just leave him”?
2. Who punishes an 11-year-old for not letting a stranger in the house?
Think about it. The plot says they’ve been cursed for 10 years. And the ticking time bomb of a rose will only bloom until Prince Adam turns 21. So he was only a preteen when the “good fairy” came knocking on his door in the middle of the night disguised as the creepiest old witch ever then cursed him for life for obeying the rules of stranger danger and telling her to get lost. The good fairy is the true villain here.
3. Why did Belle even open the door here?
She hates Gaston, she’s home alone, she knows he’s trying to get into her pants. A lot of angst, sexual harassment, and muddy books could’ve been avoided if she’d just pretended to be taking a nap.
4. Who are the faceless bastards in the background?
When Prince Adam was cursed for listening to the basic rules of being home without your parents, all the servants were punished too by being turned into inanimate objects. But who are the plates and forks with no faces? Did all the inanimate objects become partially self-aware? You better hope so, or there are some horrifying implications about those wine bottles.
5. What is going on with this time-traveling portrait?
As we’ve covered, the Beast was approximately 11 when the wicked witch cast a spell on him. But wait, that portait looks just like Prince Adam does at the end of the movie. Which is fine until you realize he’s been in Beast form for a decade, so what the hell is going on here? And it’s not a recent painting — because in the origin story, you see Adam rip it to shreds with his claws in a moment of angst over the unfairness of it all. So either there is a time traveler hiding out offscreen or he was the most mature-looking 11-year-old ever painted.
6. What would have happened if Belle touched the rose?
No. Seriously. What would have happened? Beast gets all bent out of shape when he catches her about to lay a finger on the magic wilting rose, but no one ever clarified what the big frickin’ deal was! Would he die? Turn into a bigger monster? Be cursed to a life of knowing he was an animated cartoon? WHAT?
7. How did Belle get his heavy unconscious ass onto her horse?
Does she even lift?
8. How does Chip even exist?
So they’ve all been enchanted for a decade, give or take. This cup is not 10 years old. How does a teapot give birth to a cup? Who is the father? Or, if they’re frozen at the age they were when the curse took hold, shouldn’t Chip be mentally older than 10? And, it would appear all the cups in the cupboard (can china use birth control?) are the offspring of Mrs. Potts, so way to play favorites with your kids, bitch.
9. Is Belle stupid?
Real talk: Belle is supposed to be the nerdy Disney princess. She likes science and inventing and reading like it’s her job — yet she is completely blindsided by the fact that the Beast is not only human, but royalty. Bitch, you even sung a foreshadowing song about meeting Prince Charming in disguise. And it never once occurred to you that the only man living in a giant, enchanted castle in the woods is at least a count? Get it together, Belle.
10. Whose clothes are they wearing?
11. Why didn’t Belle just say she’d be back?
Maybe don’t let your Stockholm syndrome relationship/boyfriend think you’re never coming back? Just a quick “As soon as my dad isn’t dying of
stupidity hypothermia, I’ll be back to pick this up. Don’t spiral into a suicidal depression in the two hours I’ll be away” would suffice.
12. How did these people not know there was a cursed monster within walking distance?
It’s been 10 years, not 100. Everyone in this mob was alive when Prince Adam was still a snot-nosed kid. Don’t pretend like you didn’t know what was going on over there, peasants.