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9 Essential Items For Your Post-Rapture Survival Kit

With only 3% of the world's population getting Raptured on Saturday, the rest of us better be prepared. Of course I'm not listing EVERYTHING you need. After all, how could I rule you all if I gave away my secret plan?

  • 1. Spray Paint

    The most essential part of any Rapture Bug Out kit. Without spray paint how will you decorate your motorcycle helmet, declare the END IS HERE on any and all concrete surfaces or denote the edges of your gang's territory? (our symbol is Pinkie Pie's cutie mark. You've been warned bronies) Spray paint: Because no one wants to live in a post apocalypse West Side Story.

  • 2. Guns!

    Firearms are dangerous tools that should only be handled by qualified individuals. LOLOLOLOL!!! Maybe that was the case on Friday, May 20th but Saturday is a new day. Only shot clay pigeons in your Uncle's back yard once when you were eight? (guilty) Only used a rifle via an Xbox trigger button? Doesn't matter. Load up! Remember: the more guns you have strapped to your body, the bigger your penis/ovaries are.

  • 3. Bottle Caps

    Haven't been saving bottle caps since at least 1997? Have fun being poor, sucker! Everyone knows without the backing of a federal government, paper money will become meaningless fire starters. The real currency is in the caps, man.

  • 4. An Eye Patch

    If Mythbusters has taught us anything, it's that pirates used eye patches even when they didn't need them. Why? To preserve their night vision. Invest in one of these babies and never again be ambushed while trying to restock at the local Wal-Mart after dark. Also they lend a mysterious quality that kills with the ladies/gentlemen.

  • 5. Braille Bible

    Well, the Rapture actually happened or you wouldn't be needing this kit. Meaning the Christians were right. So bring along your trusty Braille Bible. You never know when God will strike you blind but grant you ninja powers and send you on a quest to deliver the word to California. Also handy for getting charity/robbing folks by pretending to be blind.

  • 6. Astronaut Food

    Because you can. Seriously. Bust into your local Natural History Museum and loot the shit out of this over-priced manna from Heaven. Canned food is so Y2K.

  • 7. Ornate But Useless Steampunk Goggles

    Sure you can't see and they weigh a ton but at least you look smart. And appearances are all that really matter. Remember what I said about what having more guns meant? Goggles are like that, but for your brain. Plus with all those layers of plastic and glass your eyes are surely protected from sand and stray bullets.

  • 8. Railroad Spikes

    Or any kind of spikes really. They come in handy for all sorts of stuff. Attach them to your motorcycle for a Death Race with a warring clan. Hammer them into a baseball bat for a makeshift melee weapon. Stick them pointy side up in the ground to deter drive-by raids in your area. Weld them to your leather jacket and helmet for a post-post-modern look. Jam them into your skull because sure why not?

  • 9. Crowbar

    Because if it's good enough for Gordon Frakkin' Freeman, it's good enough for you.